Tolerating Discomfort.
This issue started off as a bit of journal-type work as I planned my Annual Review Goal for the year. It took a bit of a turn and here we are - hopefully it sparks some reflection!
There’s a moment in every school leader’s journey when things feel… off. A staff conversation turns prickly. A parent raises a concern that stings. A student voice breaks through in a way that can’t be un-heard. And instinctively, we reach for solutions; something to ease the tension, smooth the edges, restore the calm.
But what if we didn’t?
Too often, we interpret discomfort as a problem that needs fixing. Something’s gone wrong. Someone’s unhappy. I am the leader, so we tell ourselves, it is about bringing clarity, offering certainty, and keeping the ship steady.
But real leadership (especially in schools) is not about eliminating discomfort. It’s about learning to tolerate it.
Discomfort, when approached with intention, is not a warning sign. It’s a growth signal. It tells us that something new is emerging. That a person is stretching. That a relationship is shifting. That a system is bending toward something better, even if it doesn’t feel better yet.
Real connection, the kind that breeds belonging and meaning, doesn’t happen at the surface. It doesn’t come from nodding along or keeping things polite. It happens in the messy middle. It comes when we stay present through the awkward pauses, the hard truths, and the many “I’m not sure what to say” moments.
We often say we want stronger relationships in our schools, between students and teachers, between colleagues, and with families. But the path to stronger relationships is paved with discomfort. Vulnerability. Misunderstandings. Moments of friction that test our commitment to each other.
Tolerating that discomfort isn’t a passive act. I've come to understand it as an active leadership move. One that hopefully reflects: I’m not here to rush this. I’m here to stay with it. To listen more deeply. To hold space, even when it’s uneasy.
This is where we, as leaders, can shape culture in profound ways. When a staff member brings up something hard, a concern about student behaviour, a pattern of exclusion, a clash of values, we can model the pause. Resist the urge to close the loop too quickly. We can ask, What more do we need to understand here? or How might we sit with this before jumping to action?
In doing so, we give permission for others to bring their whole selves. Not just the polished parts. And in turn, we start to foster a culture where connection goes beyond collegiality and becomes a true sense of belonging.
Students too know when connection is real. They can feel the difference between a teacher who tolerates discomfort in conversations, who’s willing to sit with uncertainty or challenge and one who sidesteps it. The former tells them, You matter enough for me to stay with you, even when it’s hard. That’s what builds trust. And when trust is present, learning deepens.
The same goes for our families. When parents come to us with strong emotions, it’s tempting to manage the moment, calm things down, or steer things toward agreement. But real partnership comes when we allow those emotions to be heard, not hurried. When we stay in the discomfort long enough to find what matters most.
So here’s the encouragement: next time discomfort rises (in a meeting, a conversation, or even internally) notice the impulse to fix. And choose instead to stay.
Because every moment of discomfort we hold with care becomes a doorway. Into connection. Into belonging. And ultimately, into a more meaningful school experience; for our students, our staff, and our communities.
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As we finish this issue, here is a final thought from my book The Connection Curriculum:
"Don’t just hear the words. Feel the meaning behind them, and the intention behind the individual sharing them with you. Across all community members, listening with the heart will create environments of greater understanding, will unlock the real, deep and meaningful questions that need to be asked, and will foster greater levels of connection in the process."
Thanks for reading.
I'm keeping specifics to myself at the moment, but I announced my new book (which I am currently finishing up) will be published in late 2025 in this post here. More to come on that front over the coming months.
Issues of this newsletter are published fortnightly/biweekly on Sunday mornings at 8am (GMT+11).
You can purchase my first book 'The Connection Curriculum: Igniting Positive Change in Schools Through Sustainable Connection' from your favourite online retailer now or use one of the links below:
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📗 From me: www.mattpitman.com.au