Holding Boundaries Without Punishment.

If you have read my book, The Connection Curriculum, you will know that I believe, in education, we talk a lot about relationships, and rightly so, they are the heartbeat of our schools. But where this becomes harmful rather than helpful is when the action stops there, as if once a relationship is formed, it is job done connection-wise.

This issue, I want to push one of my favourite points a little further: it’s not just about forming relationships, or even maintaining them. It’s about deepening them, turning relationships into belonging, and belonging into meaning. And no where is this more powerful, and more necessary, than in how we manage discipline.

One of the most important shifts we can make as educators is to rethink what discipline looks like in a truly relational school. Too often, discipline gets framed as something separate from care, even opposed to it. We either end up enforcing rules in ways that feel cold and impersonal, or we swing the other way and avoid boundaries altogether in the name of kindness. But schools can be both warm and boundaried (is that a word?)

In fact, I think they must be. I am not sure there is a positive future in which they are not.

Relational discipline is not about soft expectations or letting things slide. It's about holding firm boundaries within the context of connection. It says:

“You are seen. You are cared for. And I’m going to hold you to high expectations, not because I want to control you, but because you matter.”

It’s about doing the hard, often quiet work of standing beside a student while they navigate the consequences of their behaviour, not punishing them to make a point, but guiding them to make better choices.

When we do this well, students don’t just comply; they grow. They learn that accountability is not rejection. They learn that boundaries don’t threaten belonging; they protect it.

I'd like to note though, it’s important to remember that punishment and discipline are not the same thing.

Punishment is often about control, shame, or exclusion. Discipline, at its best, is about teaching. It’s not always comfortable, and it’s certainly not always easy, but it is deeply relational. It requires us to hold space for discomfort, to resist reactive decisions, and to commit to growth, for both our students and ourselves.

But relational discipline doesn’t only affect students. It shapes the culture for staff and families too. When our approach to boundaries is anchored in respect and care, we model what safe, connected community looks like. We show our colleagues that leadership doesn’t require distance or detachment. We show parents that we’re not just managing their children, we’re investing in them.

This is what compassionate leadership looks like. And I'd like to make another note for clarity: compassionate leadership is not boundary-less leadership.

In fact, compassion without boundaries can easily slip into burnout, resentment, or enabling. But when we pair compassion with clarity by communicating expectations, following through on them, and staying relational through the process, we create schools where discipline adds meaning, not just order.

As we head into the second half of the year (in Australia) and the beginning of a new school year in many other regions, I encourage you to reflect not just on whether your relationships with students, staff, and parents are “good”, but whether they’re growing.

• Are your boundaries helping others feel safer and more seen?
• Are your responses to behaviour building trust and ownership, or eroding it?
• Is the culture of your school one where connection leads to belonging, and belonging leads to meaning?

Relational discipline asks more of us. But what it gives in return is the school we are advertising at the gate, on the website and in our opening school addresses. The school where all people, young and old, don’t just fit in, they flourish.

As we finish this issue, here is a final thought from my book The Connection Curriculum:

"In schools where students felt that their mental, social and emotional needs were considered, not controlled, and heard by staff in schools, perceptions of belonging, access of school supports and programs, and respect for rules and boundaries increases. In these environments, students not only believe, but see that teachers and administrators care for their wellbeing and their learning equally"

Thanks for reading.

I'm keeping specifics to myself at the moment, but I announced my new book (which I am currently finishing up) will be published in late 2025 in this post here. More to come on that front over the coming months.

Issues of this newsletter are published fortnightly/biweekly on Sunday mornings at 8am (GMT+11).

You can purchase my first book 'The Connection Curriculum: Igniting Positive Change in Schools Through Sustainable Connection' from your favourite online retailer now or use one of the links below:

📘 Amba Press: https://ambapress.com.au/collections/view-all/products/the-connection-curriculum

📙 Amazon: https://lnkd.in/gE8ARrJQ

📗 From me: www.mattpitman.com.au