Writing Feedback That Doesn't Hurt Feelings

Ever received feedback that felt like a slap in the face? 7 tips to make sure your team never feels that way. Feedback can either build you up—or tear you down. Which one have you experienced? I’ve been on both sides. A moment I’ll never forget: Let's call her Sally. A month into her new role, she received an email from a senior leader three levels above her. Except it wasn’t feedback—it was an exhaustive list of everything she’d done wrong after one customer meeting. Several people were copied on the email—including me. I wasn’t even the target, but I felt uneasy just reading it. It felt more like an attack than feedback. It was brutal—like a wrecking ball to her confidence. And this one email impacted Sally for over a year. I realized then that feedback should never leave someone feeling this way. It should empower, not dismantle. That email taught me exactly what NOT to do when giving feedback. Because feedback can be right and kind—not cruel. It should lift people up, not tear them down. In over a decade of leading teams, I’ve learned this: The way you deliver feedback can shape careers—or break them. 7 Tips for Delivering Feedback That Inspires: 1️⃣ Give it in private. No audience is needed, in person or virtually. Privacy is a safe space for real growth. 2️⃣ Start with curiosity. Ask questions. Understand their perspective before offering feedback. 3️⃣ Focus on actions, not the person. Address specific behaviors and their impact. Not their character. 4️⃣ Acknowledge individuality. Avoid comparisons. Everyone has their own journey. 5️⃣ Be specific. Offer clear, actionable feedback. Provide real examples. 6️⃣ Listen fully. Let them share their thoughts. Don't interrupt. 7️⃣ Encourage, then move forward. Don’t hold it against them. Discuss steps to improve, then focus on the future. Great feedback builds trust, respect, and confidence. It’s the key to inspiring growth. If this resonates, share it with your network to help others give kind feedback. And hit 'Follow' for more actionable insights on leadership.

I’m a huge fan of “radical candor,” but it has been abused to just “swoop and poop” with one-way feedback that makes people feel like crap. I can genuinely say this model for constructive feedback was life-changing. The person providing the feedback is asked to listen and engage with curiosity, not just share “constructive criticism”. It’s called SHARED. Rebecca Zucker introduced it to everyone Costanoa Ventures at one of our CEO Summits. This is how I describe it: 1️⃣ Lead with your intent. “I’m sharing this feedback because I believe in your potential as a leader, and I want to help you work on what might be in the way.” 2️⃣ Share what you observed. Include context. “In last week’s meeting, you said there was an issue getting the presentation done on time for sales. But you didn’t say the timeframe in which they should now expect it. I could sense the sales teams’ frustration, and it didn’t make clear you were doing all you could to get things back on track.” 3️⃣ Ask for their experience of the situation. This is the important part. Engage with curiosity and listen to what’s said and also what it infers. It's how to build shared understanding and points to where assumptions are getting in the way. “I assumed by my saying things had slipped that people would know I was doing all I could to get things back on track. It’s hard to hear that I don’t have enough credibility in the organization that people wouldn’t just assume I was doing everything I could. I work really hard for the team”  4️⃣ Close with a coaching conversation. You now have each sides’ perspective so you know what needs to be coached. In this particular situation, you can coach what proactive management of a situation looks like to most as well as address something that was presumed but not said that clearly hurt someone’s feelings. This person is equating hard work with getting the job done. And is making the feedback about their effort overall and not the situation at hand. These are important things to address during the coaching part of the feedback. People aren’t left wondering what is thought of them and you can coach on what the actual situation at hand is. I give more examples and the details of the SHARED model in the article. This feedback framework helped me give more constructive feedback and make feedback I'm getting feel more constructive. Save the world from swoop and poop moments and please share! #leadership #management #productmanagement #marketing #marketingstrategy #startups #prodmgmt #talent #careers #CEO

"I'm just going to be direct with you." I once had a business partner who would preface feedback this way—and then just spew whatever was on his mind. He thought he was being helpful, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t positioning the feedback in a way that the person could hear it. He only wanted to get that feedback off his chest. That’s not a good leader (... or colleague, or friend, or parent.) If you have feedback to give, think about how you can deliver it in a way that will be well received. The Situation-Behavior-Impact model (link in comments) is the best approach I've seen. Instead of jumping straight to judgment, you: 1. Start by getting on the same page about the situation. 2. Then, you describe what you observed. No assumptions about intent. It’s clear and objective. 3. Then, you finally share the impact. This framework has impacted every relationship I have in my life. I even used it with my kids. When they'd come to me, complaining about each other, I taught them this approach, and over time, they learned to address their issues with each other directly. As adults, they’re now excellent at giving feedback to each other and their friends. And, of course, to me! Developing the skills to give and receive honest, thoughtful feedback is one of the most valuable things you can do for your culture. How are you equipping your teams with these skills? Ready to dig deeper? Subscribe to my email newsletter for more leadership insights. https://lnkd.in/ePKX2VC8.

“I was just being honest” Leaders can do great harm hiding behind this statement. 𝐇𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲. While it is true that honesty is the best policy, 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐋𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲. If you want growth, you have to 𝐩𝐮𝐭 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐭𝐡 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 - even above your need for being honest or candid at all times. My opinion here is based on my experience over many years that 𝐄𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐦. 𝐂𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐦 𝐝𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 ↳ How many positive things get forgotten or overlooked because people focus solely on your criticism? 𝐂𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐦 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫 ↳ When criticism is expected, people start playing not to lose. ↳ Criticism doesn’t encourage smart risk taking, it promotes conservatism, compliance and ass-covering. 𝐂𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐦 𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 ↳ In the face of steady criticism, how will people ever believe that you really care about them and want them to grow? ↳ They will eventually feel judged and found wanting, not valued and trusted. ▶️ Have you ever considered why you tell ‘white lies’? ▶️ We do this to protect relationships, to protect people we care about, right? You already know that the truth can hurt. Why would you want to hold onto your pure ‘honesty’ at work like a badge of brutality? Your opinions do matter…..but when you feel the urge to offer critical feedback, ask yourself some questions: → What is my true motivation right now? → Has this feedback been asked for? → Is this feedback necessary NOW? → What critical issue is my criticism intended to solve? → Will this feedback address something important to them or is it only important to me? 𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐘𝐄𝐒, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥. 𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐘𝐄𝐒, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦. ❓ Have you ever worked for someone with this type of ‘honesty’ problem? 👇 Let me know what you think in the comments! #Leadership #Coaching #PersonalDevelopment #Growth #EncouragingLeaders