Writing Feedback That Balances Honesty and Kindness

Too many leaders confuse kindness with comfort. But real kindness? It’s uncomfortable. It’s easy to be nice. It’s harder to be honest, especially when the truth might sting. I remember the first time I had to tell a team member their leadership style was alienating others. I was nervous. But not telling them? That would’ve been selfish. They deserved the chance to grow, not stay stuck in blind spots. Great leaders know this: 🚫 Avoiding hard feedback isn't kindness. ✅ Delivering it with empathy and a plan is. Kindness means: ✅ Naming the problem and staying present for the solution ✅ Challenging behavior, while still believing in potential ✅ Being the one voice brave enough to say what needs to be said The softest leaders avoid hard truths. The strongest leaders deliver them with empathy, clarity, and commitment. How real kindness shows up in feedback: 1. Set the tone Start with psychological safety. → “I see potential in you. This is about helping you rise to it.” 2. Use the SBI model: → Situation: “In yesterday’s client review…” → Behavior: “You interrupted twice during the Q&A…” → Impact: “It came across as dismissive, and we risk losing trust.” Focus on actions, not identity. 3. Be honest and helpful → “This needs to shift. But I’ll help you build the skill to get there.” 4. Co-create the next step: → “Let’s walk through what needs to change and how I can help.” 5. Follow through: → Feedback isn’t a moment. It’s a process. → Check in. Coach through it. Celebrate progress. 🧠 Harvard research shows people retain feedback better when it’s paired with a clear plan and delivered with care. Kindness without honesty is neglect. Honesty without kindness is cruelty. Leadership lives in the tension between both. Be kind. Be honest. Be clear. And be the kind of leader who never confuses silence for support. Comment Below: What’s the kindest honest feedback you ever received? ♻ Repost if you’ve ever had to tell someone a truth they needed to hear. I’m Dan 👊 Follow me for daily posts. I talk about confidence, professional growth and personal growth. ➕ Daniel McNamee

I thought I was good at giving and receiving feedback. For years, I leaned on the “feedback sandwich.” Start with praise, slip in the critique, end on another compliment. Safe, right? That’s what they teach most managers working in corporate after all. Until one day, a team member said to me quietly after a review: “I’m not sure if your compliments are real… or just the bread before the but.” That hit me. My attempt to be “kind” was actually eroding trust. They weren’t hearing the encouragement, and they weren’t hearing the feedback. It wasn’t working. That’s why I was so grateful to the MBA Leadership Fellows at The Wharton School , especially Shruti Manglik , who taught me an alternative… the CEDAR framework! 🔹 C – Context: “I have noticed that you lack an ownership mindset in driving workstreams, especially those that…” 🔹 E – Examples: “For instance, during the last sprint, I noticed that you……” 🔹 D – Diagnosis: “Was it X? Y?” 🔹 A – Action: “How can we improve on this trait/ prevent that from happening again next time? Let’s think through this and make a plan together.” 🔹 R – Review: “We’ll check in at the next biweekly review session.” Notice the difference? It’s not about sugarcoating. It’s about clarity and collaboration. It’s about coming in with an empathetic attitude while trying to problem solve together. CEDAR invites dialogue, not defensiveness. And it makes praise land as genuine because it stands on its own. My takeaway: Feedback isn’t about wrapping hard truths in soft words. It’s about building trust strong enough to carry both encouragement and constructive criticism. Curious….what’s the most memorable piece of feedback you’ve ever received? Did it come as a sandwich… or something more honest?👀

The kindest managers are often the most direct ones. It's taken me years personally to realize this, but now I can't unsee the connection. (BTW when I mean direct, I don't mean rude or cruel -- I mean just saying the thing for what it is.) About a decade ago, after months of dropping gentle hints to a team member about errors, I finally had a direct conversation. Their response: "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" That's when it hit me: My "niceness" wasn't kindness. It was self-protection disguised as consideration. In trying to avoid discomfort, I'd actually been delaying their growth. Here are three hard truths about feedback I wish I'd learned earlier: 1️⃣ Being direct IS being kind. WEAK: "The report was a bit delayed. No big deal, but whenever you can try to be more mindful of timelines..." STRONG: "I need you to submit reports by their deadlines. The last three were late. What support do you need to meet Friday's deadline?" Ambiguity creates anxiety. Clarity provides a path forward. 2️⃣ Your team WANTS to know. If you hired a personal trainer for your workouts who never corrected your form, would we say their being a good personal trainer? Likely not. Yet, as leaders, why do we hold ourselves to a lower standard? Research shows 72% of people believe their performance would improve with more corrective feedback, not less. 3️⃣ Perfect feedback isn't possible—or necessary. A colleague once wrote critical feedback on a Post-it note, psyched himself up for the conversation... and then realized afterward he never actually said the thing written on the note. Many of us have been there, betrayed by our own niceness. Ask yourself: "Who am I really protecting with my silence? The team member or my own comfort?" The next time you catch yourself rewriting that feedback email or rehearsing a conversation that never happens, remember: The truly kind thing is to say the thing — imperfectly now rather than perfectly never. Say the thing, and remember it's likely the kindest thing you can do. #feedback