Why women apologize more and how to change it

I was shadowing a coaching client in her leadership meeting when I watched this brilliant woman apologize six times in 30 minutes. 1. “Sorry, this might be off-topic, but..." 2. “I'm could be wrong, but what if we..." 3. “Sorry again, I know we're running short on time..." 4. “I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but..." 5. “This is just my opinion, but..." 6. “Sorry if I'm being too pushy..." Her ideas? They were game-changing. Every single one. Here's what I've learned after decades of coaching women leaders: Women are masterful at reading the room and keeping everyone comfortable. It's a superpower. But when we consistently prioritize others' comfort over our own voice, we rob ourselves, and our teams, of our full contribution. The alternative isn't to become aggressive or dismissive. It's to practice “gracious assertion": • Replace "Sorry to interrupt" with "I'd like to add to that" • Replace "This might be stupid, but..." with "Here's another perspective" • Replace "I hope this makes sense" with "Let me know what questions you have" • Replace "I don't want to step on toes" with "I have a different approach" • Replace "This is just my opinion" with "Based on my experience" • Replace "Sorry if I'm being pushy" with "I feel strongly about this because" But how do you know if you're hitting the right note? Ask yourself these three questions: • Am I stating my needs clearly while respecting others' perspectives? (Assertive) • Am I dismissing others' input or bulldozing through objections? (Aggressive) • Am I hinting at what I want instead of directly asking for it? (Passive-aggressive) You can be considerate AND confident. You can make space for others AND take up space yourself. Your comfort matters too. Your voice matters too. Your ideas matter too. And most importantly, YOU matter. @she.shines.inc #Womenleaders #Confidence #selfadvocacy

I don’t care if the world is ending. I don’t care if the deal is closing. I don’t care if the CEO is waiting. If I need to pick up my children, I’m leaving. And no, I’m not sorry about it. But I used to be. I used to apologize: For leaving at 5:55pm. For declining late calls. For not replying until after bedtime. I thought it made me look uncommitted. And it didn't help that I received comments from senior leadership. “You chose to have kids.” “Can’t you get a nanny?” “We really need you to be flexible.” Translation? "We only value you when you work like you don’t have children." Many women feel this. Torn between needing to be present at work and at home. Feeling guilty for being neither here nor there. This is a workplace culture problem. And a societal one. Because women are apologizing out of obligation to be: ➡️ Agreeable. ➡️ Grateful. ➡️ Forgoing our boundaries. Apologizing isn't the answer. Change is. Here’s how we start: ✅ Normalize visibility. Say “I have to leave for school pickup” with the same conviction as “I have a meeting with the CEO.” ✅ Challenge the culture. When apologizing, ask who you’re protecting. Your job or outdated expectations? ✅ Lead loudly. Especially if you’re senior. Show others parenting is part of being a whole human. ✅ Redefine professionalism. It’s not 24/7 availability. It’s sustainable, focused work. ✅ Become your own boss. (The option I chose) Answer to yourself and yourself alone. If a company ever makes you feel like parenting is a problem, the problem isn’t you. Sorry. Not sorry.

A lot of Black women have been taught to lead with an apology in professional spaces. To seem less “intimidating.” To be more “palatable.” But let’s be clear: you don’t have to dim your light just to make others feel comfortable. Being direct isn’t rude. Being confident isn’t aggressive. You’re not doing too much, you’re doing what’s necessary. Let’s change the language: ❌ “I’m sorry, I know you’re busy but…” ✅ “When you get a moment, I’d like to discuss [topic].” ❌ “I hate to be a pain, but…” ✅ “Circling back to make sure this stays on track.” ❌ “Just wondering if you had any thoughts on…” ✅ “Do you have feedback on [specific item]?” ❌ “I hope this makes sense…” ✅ “Let me know if you need anything clarified.” ❌ “I don’t mean to overstep, but…” ✅ “Here’s a suggestion I believe could add value.” You’re allowed to speak up without softening every sentence. You deserve to take up space without over-explaining why you’re in the room.

It’s time to stop saying, “I’m sorry” in the workplace. Growing up, I was taught that being a woman meant being agreeable and not ruffling feathers. Research shows that confident and assertive women are often punished in workplaces. This is why more women tend to say “I’m sorry” compared to men by default. But it's disempowering... and unfair. Recently, I had an amazing woman leader I coach who came to me asking for advice. She told me that one of her superiors shared some negative feedback with her, which she was surprised by. I asked her whether she felt the feedback was justified. She said no. But the next thing she said was: “But I felt really bad about it and immediately said ‘I’m sorry’ to him.” So I asked her how she felt after saying that, and without hesitation, she said it was “disempowering.” More importantly, when I heard the full story, the negative feedback wasn't justified. So, by saying sorry, she admitted fault when there was none. Instead, I suggested she try a different approach next time. She could say: “Thank you for sharing your feedback. I appreciate your insights and would like to understand more about the specific instances you mentioned. Could you share a few examples? This will help me understand better where I need to improve.” This opens up a true dialogue and transforms the situation from disempowering to empowering. Granted, I'm not saying you should never apologize. But let’s be careful only to say it when we truly mean it. Here are a few situations where replacing an apology with a more direct approach can be beneficial: When disagreeing: ❌ Instead of: “Sorry, but I’m not sure if this will work…” ✅ Say: “That’s an interesting view. I have a different take I’d like to share.” When making an ask: ❌Instead of: “Sorry for taking up your time, but could I ask a question?” ✅Say: “Could I ask a question?” When communicating your boundaries: ❌Instead of: “Sorry, I can’t work late tonight because I have a family member in town.” ✅ Say: “I can’t work late tonight, but I’m happy to help tomorrow morning.” Let’s empower ourselves by communicating confidently. How do you handle situations where you feel the urge to apologize unnecessarily? How can i support you to become the most impactful and confident YOU? My DM is open! #leadership #productmarketing #growth #coaching

I had a frustrating experience at the gym this morning. In the short time it took me to walk from my car to the locker room, three different women apologized to me for simply existing. One was standing in the hall looking at her phone, one was getting her things from her locker, and the third simply said sorry as we passed each other. Why do we do this? Why do we feel the need to apologize for taking up space or for going about our day? Studies show that women apologize significantly more than men, even for things that aren't our fault. This habit can stem from societal expectations that women should be accommodating and apologetic. Women tend to have a lower threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior, which can lead to apologizing more frequently than men. It's time to break this pattern. I encourage you to stop apologizing for simply going about your day and reserve apologies for when they are warranted - when you mess up and actually need to apologize. Next time you're about to say "sorry," ask yourself if it's truly warranted. If not, let's replace that apology with a simple "Hi" or "Good morning" instead. I'm curious if this resonates with others. What have you replaced "sorry" with?!?

If you want to be a leader, you need to sound like one. But women are societally conditioned to soften their language and over-apologize. Here’s how I broke my apology habit - without turning into a jerk. The first step is becoming aware of it. 👉🏻There’s a chrome extension called “Just Not Sorry” that points out when you are using language that undermines your message. It underlines words and phrases like: “Just,” “I’m sorry,” "Maybe" "Kind of" "Sort of" (Among many others) You CAN still use these words when you feel it’s appropriate, but they shouldn’t pepper every email. Beyond helping me with work correspondence, it definitely made me more aware how often I use weak language. I did this thinking I was being cooperative and friendly. But the truth was... I didn't want to make anyone mad at me. 😳 That doesn't fly as a leader. You need to be able to stand behind your decision. If you turn out to be wrong - fine! You aren't the first. So long as you're willing to admit that, taking a clear position is nothing to be afraid of. Stating your point of view directly is not rude. It’s easier to understand. 🙏🏻 The final piece that helped quash my sorry habit was learning to say “thank you” instead of “sorry”. ⭐️For example, instead of “I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner!” Try, “Thank you for your patience, I really appreciate it.” It frames the other person positively which is a nicer experience for them than watching you beat yourself up. Of course you should always apologize if you have done something to hurt someone, but “sorry” shouldn’t be your default state. What do you think? Do you disagree? I’m just not sorry. #leadership #executivecoaching #executivepresence PS - This is something we're covering in depth inside the CS Leadership Academy this week to level up on Executive Presence. 🎓 Curious? 👉 Get on the waitlist for the next round!

Stop saying "sorry" at work. It’s not polite. It’s not professional. It’s holding you back. Most of us, especially women and new professionals, were taught to soften our presence. We say sorry when we reschedule. When we ask questions. When we make a normal mistake. Saying “sorry” too much makes you look unsure-even when you're doing nothing wrong. So I made a change. Here are 9 things I stopped saying and what I say now instead: ❌ 𝟭. “𝗦𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗱𝘂𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴.” ✅ “Thanks for being flexible!” Why? You're not late-you’re human. And flexibility is a team skill, not a failure. ❌ 𝟮. “𝗦𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂.” ✅ “Thanks for carving out time.” 𝐖𝐡𝐲?You’re not a bother. You’re collaborating. Respect their time, but don’t downplay your own. ❌ 𝟯. “𝗦𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴.” ✅ “Thanks for listening.” 𝐖𝐡𝐲? Sharing feelings at work isn’t weak. It’s healthy. And listening builds stronger teams. ❌ 𝟰. “𝗦𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗿𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲.” ✅ “Thanks for waiting!” 𝐖𝐡𝐲? Life happens — traffic, tech issues, toddler meltdowns. Gratitude > guilt. ❌ 𝟱. “𝗦𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗜 𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹.” ✅ “Thanks for your patience!” 𝐖𝐡𝐲? Emergencies happen. Acknowledging others' patience keeps things respectful without apologizing for life. ❌ 𝟲. “𝗦𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗷𝘂𝗺𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝗻.” ✅ “I have an idea that may help.” 𝐖𝐡𝐲? Your voice matters. If the room values only silence, maybe it's the wrong room. ❌ 𝟳. “𝗦𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲.” ✅ “Thanks for catching that!” 𝐖𝐡𝐲? Mistakes mean you’re trying. Taking accountability without shame is confidence in action. ❌ 𝟴. “𝗦𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆, 𝗜 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗶𝘁.” ✅ “Could you repeat that? I want to be clear.” 𝐖𝐡𝐲? Asking questions shows you care. Not that you’re slow. Say it with clarity. ❌ 𝟵. “𝗦𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆, 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲?” ✅ “I’m happy to answer any questions.” 𝐖𝐡𝐲? Confidence in your ideas invites discussion. Not doubt. Let me be clear: I’m not saying never say sorry. I’m saying, use it when it truly fits. Not as your default setting. Because every time you shrink, the world believes it’s okay to overlook you. So next time you're tempted to apologize for existing-don’t. Replace “sorry” with strength. Who’s with me? ♻️Repost to help someone in your network. Follow me Michael Thompson for more.