Why Releasing Control Builds Self-Trust

After coaching 100+ founders, I've noticed a pattern. Every time pressure hits, leaders crave control and power. Here’s what pilots do instead & why their technique works: I once heard a pilot describe what actually keeps a plane stable in turbulence. Most people assume that when the plane starts to shake, you grip the controls tighter - lock in, steer harder, get ahead of the motion. That instinct makes sense. It feels like taking control. But that’s not what experienced pilots do. When turbulence begins, the most skilled pilots actually ease their grip. They stop fighting the instability and start listening for it - feeling into the rhythm of the air, making small, precise adjustments. They trust the aircraft. They trust themselves. It turns out that trying to overpower turbulence only makes things worse. And I think that’s what a lot of founders get wrong when pressure shows up in the company. I know I did. Early in my journey, pressure meant one thing: threat. To my performance, my credibility, my sense of safety. So I did what any high-functioning person would do: I doubled down on control. I thought tighter planning would solve it. Clearer goals. Longer hours. Better forecasting. But all that pressure just made me smaller, not stronger. Because I wasn’t actually responding to the situation - I was reacting to my fear. What I’ve learned (slowly, and often the hard way) is that pressure isn’t a sign to control more. It’s a signal to trust more. And not in some fluffy, motivational sense. But in the embodied, earned sense. The kind of trust that comes from knowing your internal system won’t abandon you when things get shaky. That trust can’t be faked. You can’t build it by saying the right things or pretending to be calm. It comes from the small, daily choices: making promises and keeping them. Even when no one’s watching. Over time, that shapes everything. Without self-trust, every new challenge feels like a test of your worth. Because the truth is, turbulence is coming either way. The question is whether you’ll meet it with tension... Or expand your presence and let go of your control.

“I don’t delegate because I end up redoing it anyway. Honestly, It’s just faster if I do it myself.” A leader said this to me last month during our coaching conversation. She said this with a half-smile, but I could hear the weight behind those words. and I gently asked, So, what’s the cost of that? She didn’t answer right away. Then, softly, “I have stressful days and sleepless nights. There’s always something on my plate. And… I feel alone all the time.” That hit home. Not because I’ve heard versions of it from so many leaders I worked with—but because I’ve felt it myself, a few years ago. The trap of #perfectionism. The belief that “no one can do it quite like I can.” The reflex to delegate, then hover, then take it back because it’s not exactly how we imagined it. And unintentionally, we send messages we never meant to: 🔸 “I don’t trust you.” 🔸 “Your way isn’t good enough.” 🔸 “Let me fix it.” Over time, people stop bringing their ideas. They play safe. They wait for instructions. The irony? Our need to get it right ends up costing us energy, creativity, trust, sleep, and peace. As a #coach, I’ve seen this shift happen when leaders let go of control and lean into clarity. When they start focusing on outcomes, not methods. When they create space for others to bring their approach—even if it’s different, even if it’s imperfect. When they resist the urge to jump in and, instead, let their team stretch. My coachee is in that process now. Today, when we met after 3 weeks, she said, Roop: “I am assigning tasks to my team and deliberately stepping back from getting involved. The outcome isn’t exactly how I would’ve approached it—but it gets the job done. Surprisingly, I feel more connected to the team through this experience.” Here’s what she is learning, #Leadership isn’t about doing it all or doing it perfectly. It’s about creating space for others to try, learn, and grow. It’s about moving from perfection to #possibility. If you’re holding on too tight, ask yourself: What’s the real cost? And what might open up if you let go—just a little? #LeadershipCoaching #Delegation #PsychologicalSafety #TeamTrust #Perfectionism #BraveLeadership

In a breakthrough coaching session I did last week with a client, we spent a lot of time talking about control.  How in reality control is an illusion, and there is very little in life we can control, yet it's something a lot of us cling to.  In business, friendships, relationships - it shows up all the time. At the core of our desire for control lies fear - fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and fear of not being enough. We convince ourselves that if we can just control every aspect of our lives, we can avoid the discomfort and pain that comes with uncertainty. However, this illusion of control is just that - an illusion. The truth is, life is inherently unpredictable. No matter how much we plan or how tightly we hold on, there will always be variables beyond our control. When we become fixated on controlling every detail, we not only create unnecessary stress for ourselves but also rob ourselves of the opportunity to grow and adapt. So, how can we work with these feelings of fear and the need for control? The first step is awareness. Recognise when you're falling into patterns of over-control and ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" By bringing our fears into the light, we can begin to challenge them and reframe our perspective. Next, practice surrendering. Start small by letting go of the need to control minor details, like the exact order of your daily tasks or the way your partner loads the dishwasher. As you become more comfortable with letting go, you can gradually tackle bigger areas of your life. Cultivate trust - trust in yourself, trust in others, and trust in the journey of life. Remind yourself that you have the resilience and resourcefulness to handle whatever challenges come your way. Remind yourself that you have survived 100% of your hardest days. Finally, bring yourself back to the present moment. Look around you - are you safe right now? Remember, letting go of control doesn't mean giving up or resigning yourself to a life of chaos. It means having the courage to face your fears, the flexibility to adapt to change, and the faith to trust. 

➝ As a leader, are you pausing too long before stepping back?  Do you worry that mistakes will cost more than the gains? Could releasing some control let others lead and refine the outcome? I know from experience that many leaders hold on tightly believing it protects results. I too have been a victim of this approach early on. But research showed me that the opposite holds true. Here are my learnings: Why letting go matters: - Teams with space to act take greater responsibility. - Decision-making closer to the work improves speed and quality. - Leaders free up time to focus on bigger challenges. High-performing teams often: - Set their own pace. - Solve problems independently. - Embrace accountability. Letting go is not walking away. It means: - Defining who owns what. - Setting boundaries for decision-making. - Agreeing on what success looks like. Marking checkpoints to stay informed. What it signals: - Confidence in your people. - Trust in their judgment. - A commitment to developing future leaders. In today’s shifting environment, leadership is not only about setting direction. It is also about stepping aside so others can step up. When you release control at the right time, you lift others and the mission together. What’s the hardest part about letting go as a leader? Please share your thoughts and experience in the comments below. ♻️If this perspective on leadership resonates with you, share it so more leaders can benefit from the reminder.

Letting go of control is one of the hardest—and most important—skills a leader can master. As leaders, it’s natural to want to guide every decision or step in to prevent mistakes. But the real magic happens when we create space for others to make choices, take risks, and grow from the experience—whether they succeed or fail. A couple of weeks ago, my son Ani’s U15 cricket match brought this lesson into focus. It was a high-pressure moment—his team needed one wicket to win, while the opposition needed six runs. Ani was trusted with the final over. He started strong but bowled a couple of wides, letting a few runs slip through. Then came the moment of truth: Ani has a faster ball, a risky delivery that can catch batsmen off guard, but it’s hard to control. Watching from the boundary, I sensed he might try it. In the past, I might have yelled for him to play it safe. But this time, I held back and let him own the moment. Ani bowled the faster ball—it zipped past the batsman, the keeper, and raced to the boundary for four runs. His team lost. Driving home, I asked Ani what he thought about the game. His response? “I need to work on my consistency and have more reliable deliveries. The faster one won’t always work.” That reflection was worth more than the win. This experience reminded me that enabling growth often means letting people make decisions, supporting them in the process, and ensuring they learn from the outcome. Of course, in business, we balance this with managing impact, but the principle remains: a culture of trust, accountability, and learning drives long-term success. Sometimes the best way to lead is by stepping back. Great leaders—and great decisions—are often shaped in moments of autonomy and reflection. #Leadership #Empowerment #DecisionMaking #GrowthMindset #LessonsInLeadership #PersonalGrowth #PeopleLeadership #Mentorship #LeadershipDevelopment #LearningFromFailure #CricketAndLeadership

I’ve been reflecting on why I feel safest when everything in my life is structured (my bedtime, workouts, self-care rituals). If something interrupts the plan, even something small like doing yoga for 29 minutes instead of 30, it activates me. My nervous system interprets change as danger. What I’ve learned is that for many of us, especially those with histories of trauma, chaos, or inconsistent caregiving, control becomes our first language of safety. When safety wasn’t dependable externally, our systems learned, if I can control everything, maybe I can keep myself safe. Routines become regulation. Predictability becomes protection. Until one day, they also become prisons. We call them “healthy habits,” but sometimes they’re not about health, they’re about survival. We don’t meditate to feel peace; we meditate to avoid dysregulation. We don’t sleep early to rest; we sleep early to prevent something bad from happening. We don’t exercise for joy; we do it to outrun shame. It’s sneaky because it looks functional. But beneath the discipline is often a body that’s still afraid to let go. The nervous system that once said “structure keeps me safe” can now learn a gentler truth... safety isn’t found in perfection. It’s found in permission. Permission to miss a workout and still be worthy. Permission to rest without guilt. To be inconsistent and still be good. For clients and clinicians, this matters deeply. Because self-care that’s fear-driven isn’t healing, it’s management. In our work, we can help people move from control as safety to self-trust as safety. That shift, from hypervigilance to flexibility, is where true regulation lives. And that’s the work we’re all doing, even as professionals. Teaching our own bodies that it’s safe to exhale. When you notice a client (or yourself) clinging tightly to routines or “wellness” habits, get curious, not critical. That rigidity might not be resistance; it might be a brilliant, long-standing adaptation. The goal isn’t to remove it, but to help the nervous system feel safe enough to not need it.