Gender differences in discussing self-doubt

A male friend spent 20 minutes insisting he was "completely sober" during a late-night conversation. Next day: "Okay, I don't remember much. Turns out I was a bit drunk." 🍺 Overestimating our own clarity is fairly common. But I've been noticing a difference between how men and women play this out. Recently, a male founder friend was helping me with a mock investor pitch: "Stop adding caveats. Just say X happens, period." 💪 "But that's not factually accurate." "Doesn't matter. You're confusing investors. Give them broad facts, not nuance." What he was teaching me: 💩 bullshit more convincingly. Here's what I've learned from the backstage pass – I've watched male colleagues pitch with unwavering conviction, then privately admit "Yeah, I was exaggerating. But I'll figure something out later." Confidence first, plan follows. Meanwhile, brilliant women with detailed plans and data present tentatively: "I think we could potentially maybe..." Studies confirm this: men are more likely to project confidence even when expertise is identical – especially in male-dominated areas such as business and tech. But it's not biology. It's conditioning. For most of history, men were conditioned for dominance 🦍 – to project certainty and figure it out later. Women were conditioned for accommodation – to have certainty before speaking at all. We see this play out in therapy too. Women come in asking "How do I stop doubting myself? How do I become more assertive?" They often discover their competence was never the issue – it was decades of conditioning to constantly qualify it. Men describe external challenges - "Others don't see my value" rather than "Maybe I'm not good enough." The baseline assumption of capability is different. Sometimes they realize that while confidence opened doors, it's not enough to stay in the room. 💰 This matters beyond individual careers. When investors and boards evaluate people, they're drawn to projected confidence - not necessarily accuracy. If men are socialized to project it (with or without substance) while women are trained to qualify it (even with evidence), the system rewards the performance, not the preparation. Maybe this is part of why we see more male founders and CXOs. If you're a woman reading this and recognizing the pattern: you likely have more substance than you're projecting. This is your signal to speak up with less hedging. If you're a man: when you see capable women around you underplaying their expertise, actively encourage them. Point out their competence. The system already favors your confidence - use that to amplify theirs. ✨ #WomenInLeadership #WorkplaceCulture #ConfidenceGap

Dear male leaders, I see you how you never hesitate to step up, to say yes, to take on more. But I know there's more to your story. Through years of working with both male and female leaders,  I've noticed something that rarely gets talked about openly. But today I will… We often talk about women and imposter syndrome - How they avoid applying for roles unless they meet 100% of the criteria - How they hold back in meetings, fearing they’ll say the wrong thing. - How they wait for validation before taking the next big step. But here's what we're missing: Men aren't more confident. Outside, they're just better at hiding their fears than woman - The same fears of failure. - The same imposter syndrome.  - The same questions about whether you're truly ready or qualified enough. Which clearly shows that  anxiety, self-doubt, fears are all universal human experiences. But the real difference is: Women have gradually created spaces where they can express these vulnerabilities, and can admit: → I'm nervous about this. → I've never done this before. → I'm not sure I'll succeed. But men? They are still carrying the weight of centuries of: → Act like you’ve got all the answers. → Never let anyone see you struggle. → Keep your emotions in check—always. And it's exhausting. To every male leader reading this: It's time to acknowledge that: - Being excited about an opportunity AND being scared about it can coexist - Expressing vulnerability isn't weakness – it's courage in its purest form - Feeling uncertain doesn't make you any less of a leader Let's create a safe space together. I hope today’s male leaders can set an example for our next generation of male leaders that  they don't have to choose between being successful and being vulnerable in leadership. That’s it. TransforMe Learning & Leadership Solutions https://transforme.in/ #leadershipwithvulnerability #emotionalintelligence #breakthestigma #malementalhealth #inclusiveleadership #leadershipgrowth #vulnerabilityiscourage #redefiningmasculinity #humanleadership

I hit quota and still secretly felt like I wasn't good enough. I closed deals. I spoke up in meetings. I advocated for myself. And yet… I still felt like I was one misstep away from being exposed as a fraud. Not because I was insecure. Not because I lacked confidence. But because women are conditioned to be people-pleasing perfectionists. We’re taught to soften our tone. To over-explain so we don’t seem “too aggressive.” To make sure we come across as “likable” before we ask for what we want. Meanwhile, the sales bros? They weren’t overthinking a damn thing. They weren’t worrying about how they came across. They weren’t wondering if they “deserved” the big accounts. They were closing deals, taking up space, and cashing the checks—without a second thought. And they were making more money—not because they were better, but because they weren’t wasting energy on self-doubt. That's when I entered my Zero F's Era!! The facts: Women are statistically better at sales. 🔹 Women in sales outperform men by 11% on quota attainment 🔹 Women have higher average win rates than men across industries 🔹 Female sales reps are more effective at building trust and closing long-term deals The only thing standing in our way? Second-guessing ourselves. The moment I stopped questioning whether I was good enough— The moment I gave Zero F’s about what the sales bros were doing— The moment I started selling like I already belonged— Everything changed. I closed bigger deals. I focused only on revenue-driving activities. I owned the damn room. Women don’t need to work harder. We don’t need to prove ourselves. We just need to stop second-guessing and start selling like we already own the space.

🚨 Unconscious Bias: The Silent Confidence Killer 🚨 Ok, confession time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve held back from speaking up in a meeting, second-guessed myself, or downplayed my achievements before anyone else even had the chance to. Does this sound familiar? The frustrating part? It’s not because we’re not capable. It’s because we’ve been subtly (and not-so-subtly) conditioned to doubt ourselves. 👉 Women apply for 20% fewer jobs than men despite having the same qualifications. 👉 We rate our performance lower than men do—even when our actual results are just as good. 👉 From an early age, we’re taught to play it safe, not stand out, and not come across as “too much.” And the research backs it up… 🔹 The Double Bind: If women aren’t seen as “confident enough,” they’re overlooked. But if they do show confidence? They’re labelled as “too aggressive” (Heilman, 2012). You literally can’t win. 🔹 Feedback Bias: A study found that 66% of the feedback women receive is vague, while men are more likely to get clear, actionable advice on how to improve and get promoted (McKinsey & Lean In, 2023). How are we supposed to grow if we don’t get the same guidance? 🔹 Self-Doubt Starts Young: Girls are just as confident as boys until around age 8. By adulthood? They’re far more likely to underestimate their abilities and experience imposter phenomena (Kay & Shipman, 2014). So let’s be clear: Confidence isn’t always the problem. Bias is. 💡 So what do we do about it? ✅ Start calling out biased feedback and leadership expectations. ✅ Mentor and sponsor women in ways that build confidence and opportunities. ✅ Create workplaces where women can be ambitious without being penalised for it. If you’ve ever doubted yourself, held back, or felt like you had to work twice as hard to prove yourself—I see you. And trust me, you are not alone. Let’s keep this conversation going: Have you ever noticed how workplace bias plays out? Drop your thoughts below. 👇 #Leadership #UnconsciousBias #WomenInLeadership #ConfidenceMatters If you'd like to join me on 20 March to debunk more confidence myths and strengthen your authentic confidence, then see details of my in-person, full-day workshop, "Exploding the Confidence Myth," which will take place in central London. The link is in the comments box below.