Why women face criticism for setting high standards

When they call you a bitch, say thank you—thank you very much. This line from Olivia Gatwood’s poem Ode to the Women on Long Island has been my go-to mantra since I started my career in academia. I’d read my early teaching evaluations and feel awful. I was either not qualified to teach or too arrogant about my expertise. One student even set up a meeting to tell me this in person! Women faculty—especially in business schools—tend to get lower teaching ratings. Not because they’re worse teachers (plenty of research debunks that myth), but because of a very common form of gender bias: 👉 We don’t like women who are experts. Especially when they know they are experts. Women constantly face stereotypes that suggest they’re incompetent. Maybe you’ve heard these before: ·       Women are too emotional to be effective leaders. ·       Women lack the aptitude for STEM. ·       Women are too soft for the tough worlds of finance or law. This presumed incompetence means women often have to outperform men just to be seen as equally competent. But here’s the catch: When a woman is so good they can’t ignore her, she breaks that stereotype. And that makes people uncomfortable. Instead of admitting they were wrong, they shift the goalposts. That’s when the narrative changes: “She’s difficult to work with.” “She has an ego.” “She’s just not a team player.” The message is clear: Be competent, but not too competent. So what can women do about this? (With the caveat that I am loathe to tell women it is their responsibility to fix gender bias!) 💡 Find your allies—people who recognize your expertise and amplify your voice.  💡 Keep receipts—document your successes so you can push back when bias creeps in.  💡 But most importantly, stop softening your competence—own it. If someone calls you “difficult” because you’re great at what you do, that means you’ve already won the first battle. So, next time they try to shrink your expertise by denigrating your interpersonal style, remember to say: Thank you—thank you very much.

Women get called intimidating more than men and it’s never meant as a compliment. I’m known for “strong opinions, loosely held”. I engage with conviction, propose ideas boldly, and contribute actively (#belief strength IYKYK). But if new data or perspectives emerge, I’m quick to revise or discard my opinion. Recently, we were working with an external provider (who I like a lot). But deliverables kept slipping, deadlines were missed, standards weren’t being met. When I pushed for accountability, 🙋♀️ the founder told me the team couldn’t do their job because I was “very intimidating.” Apparently, the team found it difficult to provide the expert advice and guidance I was paying them for because I had strong ideas and opinions, which meant they couldn’t “push back”. And my high standards and attention to detail were also responsible for their lack of delivery. I took this feedback on (actually had a wee cry) and told myself “Don’t be so strong Nicola”, but couldn't shake a weird kind of shame (which is often a flag that something isn't right). Fast forward to this week: we’ve been working with another external provider in a very different field, also relying on their expert advice and guidance. Faced with my equally strong opinions, ideas and high standards, there have been no problems or allegations. When I challenge the advice or came up with ideas or opinions, this founder calmly pushes back, tells me where I’m wrong, and explains the better path forward. We do the work, and I trust her more because of it. Same me. Same strong opinions. Two very different reactions. Women who are clear, confident, and committed to excellence are often labelled “intimidating” but is that label always about us, or is it a cover for someone else’s underperformance? Assertiveness, decisiveness, and high standards are praised in men but penalised in women. “Intimidating” is not used as a compliment. It is often a deflection and excuse for someone else’s underperformance. I’m not calling anyone out, but I’m inviting everyone in. 💜 How often do we use “intimidating” as a shorthand for discomfort with someone’s standards, rather than a valid critique? 💜 Do we sometimes frame high standards and speaking up as a problem (especially with women) when the real issue is under-performance or lack of accountability? 💜 How might we shift to naming issues clearly: missed accountability, lack of expertise, weak communication, rather than blaming someone’s tone or presence? To my strong female leaders: you are not a problem for expecting excellence. Do not let “intimidating” be used to shrink or shame you. Hold your standards. Hold your line. 💜

As women, many of us face the challenging reality of having to go above and beyond just to be seen. It’s frustrating to see that even when women are excelling, they often receive more criticism than their male peers. It’s a tough game to ‘win.’ A recent report from Textio found that 76% of top-performing women receive negative feedback from their bosses, compared to just 2% of high-achieving men. Unconscious biases still persist in our workplaces. Unchecked. If we look at female leaders across the FTSE 500, Deloitte estimates that at the current rate, we won’t reach parity in the boardroom until 2045. The number doesn’t grow year on year—it’s the sad reality. As a female CEO, I’ve experienced this, and many of my friends have too. It’s not just women who need to speak up—male allies must also step forward to ensure that all employees are judged on their merits and contributions, not on outdated stereotypes.

I've heard countless women tell me that they were not being promoted because they were "too hard" on subordinates, or because they needed to develop better "soft skills", even if they were a top producer. Most high performers (both men and women) achieve success because they have ridiculously high standards and never stop thinking about their jobs, and they hold others to the same standards. Women have a societal expectation to be nurturing and #demure, but we don't really expect the same from men... A good reminder to all of us to hold everyone to the same expectations. Soft skills are important, not just for women, but for men also, but let's stop dinging women for not being nice enough.