Balancing Assertiveness and Respect

Intimidating is not another word for assertive. Difficult is not another way to say problem solver. Outspoken is not a substitute for courage to speak up. Direct is not how to describe being able to tackle conflict head on. Cold doesn’t equate to confident. Early in my career, I was accused of being too soft, not confident enough, and too feminine (whatever that means). So, I had to practice being a clear and real-time problem solver. I had to become more assertive to be seen and heard. I had to find the courage to speak up in a sea of faces and genders that looked nothing like mine. I had to be direct to deal with conflict situations. And I’ve had to calm my nerves to have the outward appearance of confidence. I have seen too often that women in leadership roles, who display the same characteristics as a strong male counterpart, are viewed differently. But, I just don’t understand why. All the women I know in senior positions have at some point been accused of being intimidating, difficult, too direct, cold and too outspoken. And it baffles us all because we aren’t trying to be those things. We are simply trying to effectively lead (with the same leadership traits every mba or exec. course teaches). It’s time to lose these labels; they are unfair, unattractive, demoralizing and sexist. That woman you might call “difficult” has likely had to work twice as hard over her career just to be seen, heard and, if she’s lucky, respected.

Being told you’re “easy to work with” is the worst compliment you could receive. Here’s why: Nine times out of ten, that “compliment” isn’t about your skills or leadership potential. It’s about your ability to shrink so that everyone else can be comfortable. How smoothly you silence your preferences, your truth, your self. How quietly you take on extra work and stay in line (whatever that means). If you're not careful, you'll mistake it for a badge of honor when in reality it's a receipt & proof that you've been paying the likability tax. The likability tax is the unspoken toll women—especially Black women and women of color—pay to be seen as non-threatening, agreeable, and palatable in the workplace. It’s the cost of downplaying your voice and muting your truth in exchange for being “liked.” And it’s expensive. It’s when you smile and nod, even when you disagree. It’s when you say “I’m good either way” when you're actually not. It’s when you edit the deck, run the meeting, take the notes, follow up, and still don't ask for credit because somewhere deep down, you've learned that being liked is safer than being loud. And don’t get it twisted—this isn’t about being a team player. This is about self-erasure dressed up as professionalism. Because we know on some teams, when a woman has a strong opinion, a clear boundary, or ambitious ask she's labeled. Either she's too much, too difficult, too assertive, too entitled, too ______. So instead of speaking up, she's always agreeable, pleasant, and quiet - trading her voice for job security. And what does she get in return? Praise but no promotion. Thanks but no pay increase. Titled "low maintenance" and applauded for her invisible labor. This is how women, especially Black women and women of color—get underpaid, underestimated, and overlooked while being told how “nice” they are to work with. But let’s be clear: Nice doesn’t build equity. Agreeable doesn’t close pay gaps. Being “easy” to work with won’t get you in the rooms where decisions are made. It just ensures you won’t be seen as a threat. So no, you're not thriving sis. You're surviving. And you're tired of downplaying your contributions so that others feel comfortable. Tired of working twice as hard and getting half the credit. Tired of claiming it's “teamwork” when it’s really just a masterclass in self-sacrifice. When you're as good as you are, certain people benefit from you being quiet than they do from you speaking up. You don't need to be easier to work with. They need to be better at working with women like you. The next time someone says, “You’re so easy to work with,” ask yourself why. You just may be paying the likability tax. — Found this valuable? Make sure to ♻️ repost because friends don’t let friends miss out on helpful content! Want to work with us? Book your Fulfilled Career Clarity Call here - isimemen.com/start

💔 “The Brilliant Woman Who Was Interrupted 7 Times in 5 Minutes” During a leadership workshop, one of my clients shared something that stayed with me. Her voice broke a little as she said: 👉 “I counted… seven times in five minutes. They cut me off. By the end, I just gave up speaking.” I watched her eyes as she spoke. They weren’t just narrating an incident—they were telling the story of exhaustion. She described the scene in detail: The sharp tone of the first interruption. The laughter after the second. The shuffling of papers as if her words didn’t matter. By the fourth, her shoulders slumped. By the seventh, silence swallowed her brilliance. That moment pierced me. Because she didn’t just lose her voice in that meeting—she lost an opportunity to influence. And the room lost the chance to hear an idea that could have shaped strategy. 🚧 The Obstacle Gender bias doesn’t always announce itself. It creeps in quietly. In how often a woman is cut off. In how her ideas are overlooked until someone else repeats them. In how she’s told—implicitly or explicitly—to “be patient, wait your turn.” And here’s the truth: brilliance shouldn’t need permission to exist. 💡 How I Helped as a Communication Skills Trainer We worked on three things: ✔️ #AssertiveCommunication – rehearsing responses to interruptions that were firm but professional. ✔️ Power phrases – short, sharp lines that create space and command attention. ✔️ #ExecutivePresence – voice control, body language, and the subtle shifts that make people pause and listen. ✨ The Transformation At her next boardroom meeting, she walked in differently. She wasn’t waiting for permission. She wasn’t hoping not to be interrupted. She was ready. She didn’t just speak. She owned the table. And the most powerful part? The very people who had once interrupted her… leaned in, took notes, and listened. 🌍 The Learning As leaders, we must recognize that #GenderBias in communication is not imaginary. It’s real. It’s silent. And it shapes careers every single day. That’s why assertiveness training isn’t optional for women leaders. It’s #Leadership. It’s #Survival. It’s #Power. ⸻ 🔑 For Leaders Reading This: Have you ever witnessed brilliance being silenced in your boardroom? The bigger question is—what did you do about it?

I once got feedback that I was “intimidating.” I took it to heart. I spent the next few years trying to be as approachable, warm, and agreeable as I could be. I assumed this was a character flaw that I needed to fix. But years later, I realized something: this feedback wasn’t about me. It was about the system - one that judges women more harshly and polices their personalities more than their performance. And the numbers back this up. 👇🏽 🎯 Women are 7x more likely to receive negative personality-based feedback than men. 🎯 56% of women have been called "unlikeable" in reviews (vs. 16% of men). 🎯 Harvard Business Review found that 76% of “aggressive” labels in one company’s reviews were given to women (vs. 24% to men). This Is the Leadership Double Bind: Speak up? You’re “too aggressive.” Stay quiet? You “lack confidence.” Show ambition? You’re “unlikeable.” Ask for a promotion? You’re “too pushy.” And here’s the kicker - it’s worst for high-performing women. This is why women... ↳  Hesitate to showcase ambition. ↳  Are reluctant to ask for opportunities. ↳  Are leaving workplaces faster than others. So, what can we do? Here are 3 ways we can start changing this narrative today: ✅ Check your language. Is the feedback about personality or performance? If you wouldn’t give the same critique to a man, please reconsider. ✅ Challenge vague feedback. “You need to be more confident” isn’t actionable. Women deserve the same clear, growth-oriented feedback as men. ✅ Support women’s ambition. If certain leadership traits (ex. being assertive) are seen as strengths in men, they should be seen as strengths in women too. Have you ever received unfair feedback? What’s one piece of feedback you’ve had to unlearn? 👇🏽 ♻️ Please share to help end unfair feedback. 🔔 Follow Bhavna Toor (She/Her) for more insights on conscious leadership. Source: Textio 'Language Bias in Feedback' Study, 2023 & 2024 #EndUnFairFeedback #IWD2025

Raise your hand if you’ve been interrupted mid-sentence - especially in a meeting full of men. 🙋🏽♀️ It happens more often than we’d like to admit. Women are often interrupted, ignored, or talked over, and it can feel frustrating, demoralizing, and exhausting. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Here's how you can assertively take back the conversation and maintain control: 1. Pause: Don’t just keep talking. Pause, make eye contact, and say something like, “I’d like to finish my thought,” or “I wasn’t done speaking.” This sets a boundary without aggression. 2. Be silent: If someone interrupts you, let there be a brief moment of silence. This gives you space to reassert control and shows confidence in your words. 3. Repeat: If you’re cut off, calmly restate your point and say, “As I was saying…” This gently reminds everyone that your contribution deserves to be heard. 4. Use your body language: Be intentional with your posture. Sit up straight, hold your ground, and use confident gestures to reinforce your presence in the conversation. 5. Involve others: If the interruptions continue, invite others into the conversation to back you up. You can say, “I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, [name], after I finish.” Remember: You belong at the table, and your voice matters. Interruptions don’t show how credible you are. They show that others need to respect your boundaries. And you need to be confident in setting them. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. P.S. Have you experienced being interrupted in meetings? How do you handle it?

Yesterday I led a workshop for women in private equity, and one theme kept surfacing: self-advocacy feels impossible when you’re already fighting to belong. It's the paradox these women face every day. They need to speak up more to get noticed, but when they do, they risk being labeled “aggressive.” They need to promote their wins, but they’ve been socialized to let their work speak for itself. They need to build relationships and visibility, but the informal networks often happen in spaces where they’re not invited. Nevertheless, self-advocacy isn’t optional, especially for women working in male-dominated industries. Research shows that women’s contributions are systematically attributed to others, that our ideas need to be repeated by men to be heard, and that our expertise is questioned more frequently than our male colleagues’. Self-advocacy isn’t about being pushy or aggressive. It’s about being intentional with your voice and strategic about your visibility. Here are four concrete ways to advocate for yourself starting today: 1. Master the “credit redirect” When someone repeats your idea, immediately respond with: “Thanks, John. I’m glad you’re building on the solution I proposed earlier. Let me expand on that framework…” This reclaims YOUR ownership while maintaining professionalism. 2. Document your wins in real-time Keep a “victory log” on your phone. After every meeting where you contribute, jot down what you said and any positive responses. Reference these specifics in performance reviews and promotion conversations. 3. Practice strategic amplification Find one trusted colleague who will amplify your contributions in meetings. Agree to do the same for them. When they share an idea, respond with: “Sarah’s point about the data analysis is exactly right, and it connects to…” This mutual support system works. 4. Lose the “self-shrinking” language.  Stop saying “I’m sorry to bother you.” Stop saying “Maybe we could…” Stop saying “I’m wondering if…” Stop saying “I’ll make it quick.” Take up space. Make your mark. Trust that you and your ideas are worthy of other people’s time, energy, and attention (and most certainly your own as well.) The reality is that in many industries, we’re still fighting to be heard. But we don’t have to fight alone, and we don’t have to wait for permission to advocate for ourselves. Your ideas deserve to be heard and you deserve credit for the value you bring. What’s one way you’ve learned to advocate for yourself at work? The women in yesterday’s workshop had some brilliant strategies to share too. #womenleaders #privateequity #womeninmaledominatedindustries

It’s frustrating on one hand when, despite your achievements, you feel like you don’t belong at the table. You question your decisions and doubt your worthiness. Imposter syndrome is real and often crippling for women in leadership. However, when male leaders ask you to “tone down” or “soften” your approach, it can make those doubts even louder. It’s as if you have to shrink yourself to fit their comfort zone, which can leave you feeling undervalued and questioning your authenticity as a leader. I still remember sitting in my first high-level meeting, and contributing my comments into the conversation with all my youthful zeal + some wisdom. Later on, during the tea break, one of the gentlemen in the room that I had a high regard for, called me aside and asked me to 'tone it down'. Why does that happen? ⛔ Bias and expectations. Society has ingrained certain leadership traits as "male" qualities - confidence, decisiveness, assertiveness - making women feel like they have to be less outspoken to fit in. ⛔Fear of threat. Sometimes, when women assert themselves in leadership, it threatens the status quo, and male leaders may feel uncomfortable, leading them to push for more subdued behavior. ⛔ The “Likeability” factor. Women are often held to a higher standard when it comes to being liked. You’re expected to be both authoritative and approachable, but if you're too assertive, you risk being labeled as "too much." ⛔ Cultural Conditioning: Women are conditioned to be more accommodating and cooperative, and this pressure can prevent women from embracing their full leadership potential. Have you ever been asked to “tone down”? How did you handle it? I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments below! #WomenInLeadership #ImposterSyndrome #AssertiveLeadership #LeadershipDevelopment #GenderBias #WomenEmpowerment #LeadershipChallenges #ConfidenceInLeadership

"𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗗𝗼 𝗪𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝘁 𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗸 𝗔𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗗𝗶𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗠𝗲?" That was the opening line of a letter I read recently. A man, writing with confusion and hurt, described how things repeatedly went wrong with women bosses. Irritation would build, misunderstandings would multiply, and eventually, he'd find himself fired. He wondered if it was his race, his cultural background (where men traditionally dominate), or simply bad luck. I've heard variations of this story - and not just from men. What I've consistently noticed as a leader and a coach is that these situations feature plenty of finger-pointing but minimal self-reflection. Research shows that 𝟳𝟱% of workplace conflicts stem from communication breakdowns, not actual disagreements about goals or values. When we feel misunderstood, our default is to blame others rather than examine our own communication patterns. When patterns repeat across different environments and relationships, the most powerful question shifts from "Why are they like this?" to "𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘐 𝘣𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥?" This self-inquiry isn't about assuming guilt or denying others' potential biases. It's about choosing growth over being right. Real progress happens when we 1) Seek 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝘂𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘁 feedback, even when uncomfortable (if it doesn't sting a little, it's probably not the feedback you need most) 2) Pay attention to 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗮𝗰𝘁, not just words (studies show 𝟵𝟯% of communication is non-verbal) 3) Recognize how 𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀 across gender and culture shape interactions. For example, a male team member might interrupt his female manager during meetings without realizing it carries different weight than when he interrupts male colleagues. Research shows women are interrupted 𝟮.𝟵 times more often than men in professional settings, and when a woman is in authority, these interruptions can undermine her leadership in ways the interrupter never intended. The most successful professionals I’ve worked with understand that good intentions don't automatically cancel poor impact. I've watched careers stall because people defended their intent too vigorously. But I've also seen 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 when curiosity replaced the need to be right & the need to win. Personally, the breakthroughs came for me when I approached misunderstandings with curiosity and not defensiveness. For example, what I saw as efficient problem-solving, others experienced as dismissal of their expertise. So, while we acknowledge the differences in how we are perceived and responded to based on cultural stereotypes, let’s also reclaim our agency and ask ourselves “𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘐 𝘣𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥?" #EmotionalIntelligence #Leadership #SelfAwareness

I watched a top female executive apologize three separate times in one meeting last week. Not for mistakes—for having opinions. After 20+ years working with women leaders, I've uncovered an uncomfortable truth: 80% of women's leadership communities focus on "fixing women" rather than fixing broken systems. • "Speak up more in meetings" • "Be more assertive (but not too assertive)" • "Here's how to navigate office politics" The subtext? The system is fine. You're the problem. I fell into this trap early in my career. I attended workshops on executive presence, voice modulation, and "strategic visibility." I practiced power poses in bathroom stalls before big meetings. I thought I needed fixing. What I actually needed was to recognize that the game itself is rigged, not my ability to play it. This revelation changed everything about how I approach leadership development for women. When I created herSpace at oxygen4Leadership, I built it on this core principle: Women don't need fixing. Systems do. Our community: • Identifies systemic barriers embedded in "normal" workplace practices • Provides collective strategies for challenging these structures • Creates safe spaces for authentic leadership without constant self-monitoring • Celebrates your strengths rather than highlighting perceived "deficiencies" The executive I mentioned? In our session today, we didn't work on her "apologetic communication style." Instead, we mapped the meeting dynamics that created an environment where she felt compelled to apologize for contributing. The solution wasn't in her behavior. It was in addressing the system. Have you noticed yourself trying to "fix" your leadership style to fit a broken system? What would change if you redirected that energy toward changing the system itself? If you're tired of communities that subtly blame women for not advancing, join us at herSpace. We're building something different - Link in the comments. #WomenInLeadership #SystemicChange #AuthenticLeadership #HerspaceLeadership #GenderEquality

"Trust gone – now everything is lost? Or what is it like in leadership when you have lost trust in an employee? I had this question in a coaching session the other day. Can you still work together when trust is gone? Often there is no other option, and yes, I firmly believe that trust can be restored. From my experience, however, it is a long-term process. The first step must be to address the issue directly – even if it is tough. 🔑 Recognizing and addressing loss of trust: Open communication is crucial. Leaders should seek dialogue to clarify the reasons for the loss of trust and to clear up misunderstandings. It is important to name specific examples and situations that led to the loss of trust in order to find solutions together. A study by Kramer and Tyler (1996) emphasizes that open and honest communication is the key to rebuilding lost trust. Beating around the bush does not help. My strategy is always: Put the shit on the table! 🔑 Rebuilding trust: Trust can be gradually restored through consistent and transparent communication and by keeping commitments. It is helpful to delegate small tasks and responsibilities and to closely monitor the employee's progress. Positive reinforcement and recognition of improvements can support the process. According to research by Lewicki and Bunker (1996), rebuilding trust is a gradual process supported by consistent actions and keeping promises. A study by Kim, Dirks, and Cooper (2009) shows that small, positive interactions and the gradual transfer of responsibility can help restore trust. These small successes should be regularly acknowledged and celebrated to promote positive reinforcement. 🔑 Implementing control mechanisms: During the rebuilding of trust, it may be necessary to introduce temporary control mechanisms. However, these should be communicated transparently and presented as temporary measures to avoid further damaging trust in the long term. Research, such as that by Bijlsma-Frankema and Costa (2005), supports that such measures should be clearly communicated and presented as temporary. This transparency prevents the measures from being interpreted as mistrust and helps preserve long-term trust. What are your experiences and strategies? #LossOfTrust #Leaders #TeamCommunication #CoachingTips #TransparentCommunication #EmployeeLeadership"