Handling Feedback Disagreements In Performance Reviews

I spoke with a local founder about an issue he’s having with one of his employees. She’ll consistently show up late, make commitments to deadlines, and then miss the window without saying anything. He’s tried to approach her about this, but she becomes defensive, layers in excuses, and doubles down on her position. I hear about issues like this all the time. Founders spend their energy thinking about how to resolve the tension or what they need to do.  -- Some accept the situation as if there’s nothing that can be done. Yes, there is. -- Some announce a new policy. Passive-aggressive. -- Some lead with authority. “Do as I say, or you’re fired.” This creates fear and kills performance. Try leading with humanity. There’s a way of relating that increases influence, creates buy-in, and reduces defensiveness. It’s speaking from a place of shared responsibility and respect. Here’s how to do it. First, affirm a meaningful relationship and establish a time to talk.  Then, use this framework to vocalize your feedback. 1. “THE SPECIFIC FACTS ARE…” These are facts only, not judgments or stories. Imagine that a video camera was observing and recording the information. You’re only stating what actually happened, not your assumptions, opinions, or judgments on what happened. Example: “For the last four out of five shifts, you showed up after the start time.” 2. “I MAKE UP A STORY THAT…” This is where you place your beliefs or assumptions that are your personal interpretation of the event. By stating “My story is”, you de-escalate the interaction because it places responsibility on yourself for your assumptions. “I make up a story that this role isn’t important to you. You aren’t prioritizing your work.” 3. “I FEEL…” “I feel frustrated and disappointed.” 4. “MY PART IN THIS IS…” This is your personal responsibility in creating or sustaining the issue. “My part in this is that I didn’t speak directly to you the first time it happened. I also didn’t create a clear agreement with you that arriving on time is important to me and the team. My own fear about doing a good job is making this feel significant for me.” 5. “AND I SPECIFICALLY WANT…” Name what you wish to change moving forward. “I want to make a clear agreement about your arrival time and ask that you show up on time each day.” I’ve seen firsthand how powerful this framework can be… and I use it with my own team. It’s all about connecting to purpose and building mutual respect—not leading from a place of authority or fear. Inspired by Jim Dethmer, Diana Champan, and Kaley Chapman, authors of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership: A New Paradigm for Sustainable Success. I wrote a guide on this and placed it in the comments. #leadership

Most companies still handle workplace feedback so poorly, they're actively creating the toxic cultures they want to avoid. Enabling employees to call someone’s behavior discriminatory or labeling actions as harassment often backfires. It puts people on the defensive, escalates tensions, and halts meaningful dialogue before it begins. As a former employment lawyer, I watched countless harassment cases follow the same destructive pattern: an accusation would trigger immediate defensiveness, locking both sides into positions where no learning or improvement was possible. We developed the Workplace Color Spectrum as a direct, practical solution—color-coding specific behaviors rather than labeling individuals. This simple shift allows you to say, “That action fell into the orange zone,” instead of, “You’re discriminating.” It creates a safe, neutral language that people can hear without feeling personally attacked. The reason this approach works: • It clearly separates actions from personal identity. • It recognizes that anyone can occasionally behave in problematic ways. • It provides a common vocabulary for teams to discuss sensitive issues objectively. • It shifts the conversation from blame toward actionable improvement. Organizations adopting this framework are seeing measurable results: • CEOs color coding actions in company town halls. • HR teams incorporating the framework into new-hire onboarding. • Teams organically color coding behaviors during feedback conversations. One national retail client used our analytics to identify a district manager whose behaviors consistently registered in the "orange zone." Mapping these behaviors revealed hidden costs—higher turnover, increased investigation expenses, and rising employee-relations claims—transforming feedback into a clear, urgent business case. If you're delivering feedback that immediately triggers defensiveness, shift your language: Instead of: “You were inappropriate when...” Try: “That action was in the orange zone because...” Color-code actions, not individuals, and you'll see defensive reactions replaced by genuine engagement and measurable behavioral change.

One of the toughest tests of your leadership isn't how you handle success. It's how you navigate disagreement. I noticed this in the SEAL Teams and in my work with executives: Those who master difficult conversations outperform their peers not just in team satisfaction, but in decision quality and innovation. The problem? Most of us enter difficult conversations with our nervous system already in a threat state. Our brain literally can't access its best thinking when flooded with stress hormones. Through years of working with high-performing teams, I've developed what I call The Mindful Disagreement Framework. Here's how it works: 1. Pause Before Engaging (10 seconds) When triggered by disagreement, take a deliberate breath. This small reset activates your prefrontal cortex instead of your reactive limbic system. Your brain physically needs this transition to think clearly. 2. Set Psychological Safety (30 seconds) Start with: "I appreciate your perspective and want to understand it better. I also have some different thoughts to share." This simple opener signals respect while creating space for different viewpoints. 3. Lead with Curiosity, Not Certainty (2 minutes) Ask at least three questions before stating your position. This practice significantly increases the quality of solutions because it broadens your understanding before narrowing toward decisions. 4. Name the Shared Purpose (1 minute) "We both want [shared goal]. We're just seeing different paths to get there." This reminds everyone you're on the same team, even with different perspectives. 5. Separate Impact from Intent (30 seconds) "When X happened, I felt Y, because Z. I know that wasn't your intention." This formula transforms accusations into observations. Last month, I used this exact framework in a disagreement. The conversation that could have damaged our relationship instead strengthened it. Not because we ended up agreeing, but because we disagreed respectfully. (It may or may not have been with my kid!) The most valuable disagreements often feel uncomfortable. The goal isn't comfort. It's growth. What difficult conversation are you avoiding right now? Try this framework tomorrow and watch what happens to your leadership influence. ___ Follow me, Jon Macaskill for more leadership focused content. And feel free to repost if someone in your life needs to hear this. 📩 Subscribe to my newsletter here → https://lnkd.in/g9ZFxDJG You'll get FREE access to my 21-Day Mindfulness & Meditation Course packed with real, actionable strategies to lead with clarity, resilience, and purpose.