Finding Common Ground with Difficult Negotiators

I once asked a prosecutor about a client who had used a blowtorch to break into a T-Mobile store and steal 100 phones. His case looked hopeless — until I asked one simple question. When negotiating with prosecutors, I don't start with what I want. I start with: "What's most important to you in this case?" That question changed everything for my client. The prosecutor told me he needed two things: • The store owner wanted significant jail time • He needed to show the victim justice was served My client had one priority: avoiding deportation. These interests seemed incompatible until I proposed an unusual solution: • My client would serve 8 months in jail (more than typical) • We'd modify the charge to avoid triggering deportation The prosecutor got his jail time to satisfy the victim. My client avoided deportation. Everyone walked away satisfied. After 16+ years defending cases, I've learned that effective negotiation isn't about threats or posturing. It's about creating an environment where both sides can openly share what they truly care about. This approach works because: • It calms everyone's defensive reactions • It reveals interests beyond stated positions • It creates space for creative solutions When someone feels threatened, they can't think clearly about potential overlaps in interests. My job is to make the opposing side comfortable enough to share what's really driving their decisions. Sometimes there's no overlap of interests. That's okay. You can't manufacture common ground where none exists. But when that overlap does exist — like in my blowtorch case — finding it can create outcomes neither side thought possible. What's your approach to difficult negotiations?

Most of our interactions—especially the difficult ones—are negotiations in disguise. In their book Beyond Reason, Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro highlight how success in these conversations often comes down to addressing core concerns—deep, often unspoken emotional needs that shape how people engage. These concerns are: Appreciation, Affiliation, Autonomy, Status, and Role. Ignore them, and you’ll likely face resistance, disengagement, or frustration. Acknowledge and address them, and you create the conditions for stronger relationships, better problem-solving, and more win-win outcomes. I’ve learned this the hard way. Appreciation A senior leader I worked with was frustrated by pushback from his team. The problem? He was so focused on driving results that he rarely acknowledged their efforts. Once he started genuinely listening and recognizing their contributions, engagement skyrocketed. The team felt heard, and collaboration improved instantly. Affiliation A new CEO walked into a fractured leadership team—siloed, political, and mistrusting. Instead of pushing quick solutions, she focused on rebuilding connections, creating shared experiences, and reinforcing that they were one team. The shift in culture transformed their ability to work together. Autonomy A department head was drowning in tactical decisions because his team constantly sought approval. By clearly defining goals, setting guardrails, and empowering them to make decisions, he freed up his time and saw his team step up with more confidence and accountability. Status A high-potential leader felt overlooked and disengaged. His boss didn’t give him a raise or a new title but started including him in key strategic meetings. That simple shift in visibility changed everything—he became more invested, more proactive, and took on bigger challenges. Role A VP was struggling, not because of a lack of skill, but because she was in the wrong seat. When her boss recognized this and shifted her to a role better suited to her strengths, she thrived. Sometimes, people don’t need a promotion—they need the right role. Before a tough conversation or leadership decision, check in: - Am I recognizing their efforts? - Making them feel included? - Giving them autonomy? - Acknowledging their status? - Ensuring their role fits? Addressing core concerns isn’t about being nice—it’s about unlocking the best in people. When we do, we create better conversations, stronger teams, and real momentum. #Conversations #Negotiations #CoreConcerns #Interactions #HumanBehavior #Learning #Leadership #Disagreements

She grilled me for 90 minutes. Argued on price, terms, and payment. Then signed a $120K deal the next day. The negotiation call was scheduled for 30 minutes. It lasted 97. Our first deal of the quarter, and it was going terribly. The VP challenged everything: – Demanded 90-day payment terms when we needed 30 – Pushed for a 22% discount on already-tight pricing – Questioned our data retention periods line by line – Asked for custom SLAs we'd never offered before My palms were sweating. At one point, she said: "This is simply too expensive for what you're offering." I almost caved. Almost offered that extra discount. Instead, I took a breath and asked: "Can you help me understand what specifically your team is trying to build?" What followed was a 40-minute deep dive into their actual problems. The real cost of missed insights in their customer calls. The manual work their team was doing. The tone completely shifted. She ended with: "Let me think about this overnight." I was sure we'd lost it. But at 6:42 AM the next day, the signed contract hit my inbox. With a note: "Thanks for taking the time yesterday. Your team clearly understands our challenges." One year later, they've renewed twice and expanded to a $340K account. That day changed how I view "difficult" negotiations: When someone pushes this hard, they're not trying to kill the deal. They're trying to make it work so that they can buy. Now when negotiations get tough, I see it for what it really is: Not resistance. Commitment. What's a deal you thought you were losing... that became your best customer?