Ways to Develop Empathy Through Active Listening in Negotiation

We are ordered to listen as children, students, followers, or subordinates. But the funny thing is, we are never taught how to listen. We are simply expected to know how to listen.   This is why, in my opinion, few leaders cultivate good listening skills. They simply have never been exposed to listening as a skill to be learned and mastered.   On my podcast, Listening With Leaders, I always ask my guests about listening. The most common answer I get is, “I’m not great at listening.”   In my career as a peacemaker and mediator, I have seen that failure to listen is the number one cause of conflict, fights, and arguments. Each side fights to be right, urgently needs to be heard and respected, and fails to see that the other side has exactly the same need. Making peace is mostly creating an exercise in listening. When people feel heard and validated, they calm down. Negotiation and problem-solving become much easier.   So, how do you learn to listen? As I teach and coach this skill, I discuss three levels of listening: words, meaning, and feelings.   When you listen to the words, you paraphrase what the speaker is saying using a “you” statement. Forget active listening. It has never worked, doesn’t work, and never will work. Instead, I coach my clients to reframe the speaker's words. “You said…”   When you listen for meaning, you use a metaphor to capture what the speaker is meaning to say. If the speaker is overwhelmed, you might say, “You are walking in a winter forest, and the wind has turned the snow into a blizzard. You are completely lost.”   When you listen for feelings, you engage in affect labeling. You ignore the words, read the emotions, and reflect the emotions with a “you” statement. “You are angry and frustrated. You feel disrespected and ignored.” Brain scanning studies show that affect labeling diminishes the emotional brain circuits and activates a region in the prefrontal cortex. You can literally calm an angry person in less than 90 seconds.   These are the three foundations of great listening. All of them are types of reflective listening because you are showing the speaker that you understand the speaker from the speaker’s perspective.   Think of listening as riding a bike. With a little practice and guidance, you can transform your life and the lives of those around you. You can become the leader everyone wants to follow.   #listening #emotions #leadershipempathy

Picture this: Your seven-year-old nephew is selling raffle tickets door to door. On Monday, he knocked on 10 doors and sold 5 tickets. But on Tuesday, he knocked on 10 doors, and only one person answered. That person flat out rejected him. The following day, he tells you he’s upset and doesn’t want to knock on any more doors. What words of wisdom would you give him? That’s the scenario Jules Steindler 🥳 asked several months ago in her post. Sales pros in the comments responded by saying things like this: “The law of averages is on your side. For every bad day, you’ll get another good one.” “Never give up! Keep hustling!” “Today is already old news. Tomorrow holds so much potential.” Although these statements sound good in theory, they don’t make the other person feel heard. Instead, they minimize the hurt the other person is going through. Advice like this ignores how the other person is feeling. I don’t believe people do this intentionally. Statements like these are a reflex response intended to make the other person feel better. Perhaps someone said these things to you. The way out? Let go of the idea that it’s your job to have all the answers. Shift from being an expert to listening. Acknowledge how the other person is feeling without trying to solve anything. Here are some examples of what reflective listening sounds like: “Only one person answered? Wow, that really sucks.” “It’s frustrating to get rejected.” “I can see how upset you are.” “Seems like you’re disappointed.” “You were hoping more people would answer.” “I’m proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to knock on doors.” “What good might come out of trying again tomorrow?” There is no script for empathy. It’s less about what you say and more about listening without solving. But I hope this example helps you find ways to be more empathetic with people in your personal and business life.

The Secret to Winning Conversations? Shut Up and Listen First. He or she who speaks first loses. Sounds counterintuitive, right? I see it all the time, people jump into networking calls or prospect talks eager to drop their elevator pitch... but here’s the thing: people buy from those who listen and get them. Next time you jump on a call, try this simple rule: set a timer. How long can you go without talking about yourself or your product? Three to five minutes? How many questions can you ask to uncover their needs, pains, and expectations? That pause shows you’re truly listening, building empathy... and it gives you a way better picture of what’s really going on. Then, when you do present, it’s clear how your solution fits their exact problem. So next time, don’t rush to speak first. Let the questions lead, wait, and then deliver.