How to Express Concerns Without Escalating Tensions

I used to believe that being assertive meant being aggressive. The reality is that you can both assert yourself and be kind. 5 proven tips to be more assertive (without being aggressive): 1/ Express your needs and wants clearly Why: Being direct and honest about your needs helps others understand your perspective and enables them to respond appropriately. It demonstrates self-respect and confidence in your own opinions and feelings. How: "I appreciate your input on this project, but I strongly believe we should take a different approach. Focusing on user experience will lead to better conversion. Can we discuss how we can incorporate both of our ideas?" 2/ Use "I" statements to communicate your perspective Why: "I" statements help you take ownership of your thoughts and feelings without placing blame or making accusations. They create a non-confrontational atmosphere that encourages open dialogue and mutual understanding. How: "I appreciate the effort you've put into this presentation, but I have some concerns about the accuracy of the data. I suggest we review the sources together and make any necessary updates to strengthen our case." 3/ Practice active listening and seek to understand others Why: Active listening demonstrates that you value others' perspectives and are willing to engage in a two-way conversation. It helps build trust and rapport, making it easier to find mutually beneficial outcomes. How: "I hear your concerns about the proposed changes to our team structure. Can you tell me more about how these changes will impact your work? I want to ensure that we address any potential issues." 4/ Offer solutions Why: Offering solutions rather than simply stating problems demonstrates your willingness to work collaboratively and find mutually beneficial outcomes. How: "I understand that you want to launch the new feature as soon as possible, but I have concerns about the current timeline. What if we break the launch into two phases? We can release the core functionality in the first phase and then add the additional enhancements in the second phase. This way, we can meet the initial deadline while ensuring the quality of the final product." 5/ Learn to say "No" when necessary Why: Saying "no" to unreasonable requests or demands demonstrates self-respect and helps you maintain control over your time and resources. It also helps prevent burnout and enables you to focus on your priorities. How: "I appreciate you considering me for this new project, but unfortunately, I don't have the capacity to take on additional work at the moment. I'm committed to delivering high-quality results on my current projects, and taking on more would compromise this. Can we revisit this opportunity in a few weeks when my workload is more manageable?" What’s one thing that helped you become more assertive? PS: Assertiveness is a form of self-care that also nurtures healthy, respectful relationships with others. Image Credit: Jenny Nurick

Stop dreading tough talks. Master them with these 21 phrases instead: I once snapped when a colleague questioned my timeline. My defensive reaction created a week of tension. That day I realized emotional responses solve nothing. They only create new problems. We've all been there: Feeling defensive Reacting without thinking Watching a simple disagreement turn into a lasting conflict But I've learned the shift from reactive to constructive changes everything ✨ 21 ways smart people handle difficult conversations: 1) Lead with Curiosity ↳ "Tell me more about your perspective on this" ↳ Questions defuse tension faster than statements 2) Name the Energy ↳ "I notice there's tension here, let's address it" ↳ Acknowledgment creates safety 3) Find Common Ground ↳ "We both want what's best for the project" ↳ Alignment before action 4) Set Clear Expectations ↳ "Here's what I need, what do you need?" ↳ Clarity prevents future conflict 5) Pause the Escalation ↳ "Let's take a step back and break this down" ↳ Breathing room creates solutions 6) Mirror Their Language ↳ Use their exact key words when responding ↳ Matching builds instant connection 7) Acknowledge Impact ↳ "I see how this affects your priorities" ↳ Understanding beats defense 8) Own Your Part ↳ "Here's where I could have done better" ↳ Accountability creates trust 9) Focus Forward ↳ "How can we prevent this next time?" ↳ Solutions beat blame 10) Check Understanding ↳ "Here's what I'm hearing - am I getting it right?" ↳ Clarity prevents escalation 11) Create Space ↳ "Let's revisit this when we're both fresh" ↳ Time transforms tension 12) Stay on Topic ↳ "Let's focus on solving this specific issue" ↳ Boundaries keep talks productive 13) Express Confidence ↳ "I know we can figure this out together" ↳ Belief shifts energy 14) Share Context ↳ "Here's what led to my decision" ↳ Understanding reduces resistance 15) Invite Solutions ↳ "What ideas do you have for this?" ↳ Collaboration beats control 16) Set Timelines ↳ "When should we check in on this?" ↳ Structure creates safety 17) Validate Concerns ↳ "That's a legitimate worry - let's address it" ↳ Recognition reduces defense 18) Stay Factual ↳ "Here's what the data shows us" ↳ Evidence beats emotion 19) Close with Action ↳ "Let's clarify next steps together" ↳ Progress prevents repeat issues 20) Follow Through ↳ "As we discussed, here's what I've done" ↳ Action builds credibility 21) Document Growth ↳ "Here's how we'll work differently now" ↳ Learning beats repeating Difficult conversations aren't obstacles to success. They're the moments where true connection happens ✨ Which strategy will you try in your next challenging conversation? -- ♻️ Repost to help your network transform difficult conversations into opportunities 🔔 Follow Dr. Carolyn Frost for more practical tools to succeed with confidence

Negotiating with an ex-spouse? Sympathy beats ultimatums, always. Here’s why sharing struggles wins over emotional standoffs. When was the last time you had to negotiate with someone who knows exactly how to push your buttons? For many, it’s an ex-partner. Whether it’s about finances, parenting schedules or splitting responsibilities. Emotions run high. The temptation to dig in your heels or throw out ultimatums is strong. But here’s what most people miss: vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s leverage. I’ve been there. Recently, I needed flexibility from my ex so my daughter could attend a family wedding. Instead of demanding or arguing, I shared why it mattered. To me and, more importantly, to our daughter. The result? She empathized, made concessions and we both left the conversation feeling respected, not resentful. This isn’t just anecdotal. Research backs it up. Studies by Shirako, Kilduff, and Kray show that emotional disclosures often outperform logic or fairness appeals in negotiations. Why? Because people are wired to help when they sense genuine need. → Compassion kicks in. → Collaboration becomes possible. Key lessons for tough conversations: 👇 1️⃣ Be authentic: → Vulnerability works only when it’s sincere. → Exaggeration or manipulation will destroy trust instantly. 2️⃣ Don’t play the victim: → Sharing why something matters is different from seeking pity. → Focus on honesty, not helplessness. 3️⃣ Reciprocity matters: → If you ask for empathy today, be ready to offer it tomorrow. → It’s how trust grows over time. 4️⃣ Know your context: → If you’re in a position of power, fairness or logic may work better than emotional appeals to avoid appearing manipulative. 5️⃣ Blend strategies: → Combine emotional appeals with rational points for a balanced and persuasive approach. Next time you’re facing a tough negotiation, whether with an ex or a boss, don’t just lead with logic. Lead with heart. Vulnerability isn’t a liability; it’s a bridge to understanding and collaboration. What’s your go-to strategy for navigating emotionally charged negotiations? Share your thoughts, I’d love to hear them. ♻️ ♻️ If this post resonates with you or someone you know, repost it, it might help turn conflict into cooperation. 

Yesterday I was on a call and a dispute over a SOC 2 audit finding got borderline unprofessional. The crux of the issue wasn't the audit finding itself (both parties actually agreed with the basic facts), but rather how the conversation went down. And after 2000+ engagements here are a few tools to handle conflicts like these. 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗖𝗢𝗡𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗔𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡 Consultant: Explains audit finding. Client: I agree, but it is so low risk we should just call it an opportunity for improvement (OFI) and not include it in the formal report. Consultant: I agree it's low risk, but it is an exception from the control, so I have to include it in the report. Client: Further defends why it's low risk. Consultant: Goes on to explain 5 ways client could have avoided the issue. Client (Voice Raised): Are you willing to fight me on this? Consultant (Intensity matched): Yes. 𝗛𝗢𝗪 𝗜𝗧 𝗪𝗘𝗡𝗧 𝗕𝗔𝗗 1. Because a challenge was issued (and accepted) it didn't leave either party much room to save face. That never turns out well. 2. In fairness to the auditor, this was a pretty cut and dry finding. In fairness to the client, it was not socialized in advance and caught a lot of people off guard. 3. This was a routine meeting for the auditor, but the client felt like it was career ending. 𝗖𝗢𝗔𝗖𝗛𝗜𝗡𝗚 It is worth saying that this conversation was between two decent and competent people who would otherwise get along great. Yet, this is a situation that happens all the time with security, audit, and GRC pros. There's just a lot of conflict to navigate in this career and we have to learn to do it. So, here are a few tools I've seen work to find resolution and avoid escalating: 𝟭. 𝗔𝘀𝗸 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻'𝘀 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 - Do both parties agree on the facts? - Do both parties understand the options (eg. Change control language, add a management response)? - Are there hidden factors (eg someone's job or reputation on the line)? Seek first to understand. Always. 𝟮. 𝗚𝗲𝘁 𝗮 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗿𝗱 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘆 𝗶𝗻𝘃𝗼𝗹𝘃𝗲𝗱 Sometimes a trusted third party will see things more clearly, or at least have a voice both parties respect. Try saying something like: "I can see this is important to both of us, let's pull in Christian and see if he can add some perspective that helps. Is that ok with you?" 𝟯. 𝗦𝗹𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘁 Create some space to cool off. Try saying: "This is too important for me to answer on the fly. I really need some time to think on this one. Would it be okay if I sleep on it and give you a detailed response tomorrow?" 𝟰. 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗶𝘁 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 If someone starts to get emotional or lobs a verbal punch your way - just remind yourself there's probably something going on in their life you don't see. A bad day. A personal issue. Who knows. I often use that as a mental trick to summon a little more patience. --- Good luck out there!