Writing Apologies That Actually Resonate With Customers

Last week, one of my clients started our call with, "Why can't some people just accept an apology and move on?" I asked for context. He explained, and we pulled up a recording of the apology from Zoom. After watching it, I said, "You said sorry; you didn't actually apologize." He looked confused. I explained. The definition of an apology is to express regret for something done wrong. You didn't express regret. You didn't acknowledge wrongdoing. You just said, "I am sorry." It wasn't enough, and the timing was off. Apologies are a nuanced area of human communication. I'll explain this complexity while giving you a structure for a perfect apology. This is just a brief overview. Points about apologies: First, a social "sorry" and apologizing are different. People say sorry as a reflex even when innocent. Yesterday in an elevator, I felt I was blocking buttons and said a quick social sorry. "Sorry" takes little effort. Apologies take planning, awareness, and people skills to make the desired impact. Second, an apology requires awareness of: 1) the agreement you broke, 2) your impact on others, 3) willingness to take responsibility. People get annoyed about apologizing because they view behavior through their own lens, not understanding their impact on others. Third, an apology has setting and timing. My client apologized at the end of a meeting where the person was distracted taking notes. Apologize when the person can hear you. Fourth, an apology is about taking 100% responsibility. It's not about getting the other person to apologize or highlighting what they did. It's about your impact. Done well, the other person often drops their guard and states their role. Fifth, corporate apologies often need unique crafting due to our legal system and HR compliance. A structure for a perfect apology: 1. Admit to yourself you did something wrong. Put yourself in their shoes and think about your impact. 2. Be in the personal headspace to apologize. Feel in control of your behavior. 3. Start with what you did. Don't sugarcoat. State the facts. 4. State your potential impact. Bonus: Ask for their perspective. 5. Make a genuine apology THEY can hear. 6. Promise it won't happen again with a mechanism explaining why. 7. Ask if there's anything else needed to move forward. I went over this structure, and my client came up with: "Before we get into this, I want to say I dismissed you multiple times in that meeting. Every time you spoke, I cut you off and didn't give you space to reflect on your ideas. This relates to you not feeling able to lead when I'm in the room. I'm really sorry, and this won't happen again. I'll make clear these are your meetings and we'll discuss differences privately. Is there anything I can do to better support you or adjustments we should make?" If I were an Olympic judge, I'd give this an 8. His delivery was quick, but it worked. Who do you need to apologize to? Use the structure above. Let me know how it goes

Your face feels hot and turns red. A stabbing pain appears in your stomach. You made a communication mistake. Your information didn’t land - and may have offended your listener! Your mind is racing trying to figure out how to fix it. What do you do? Slow down, take a breath and plan your “Repair Conversation.” The first step: recognize that we all make mistakes. Growth occurs when we acknowledge our errrors and are willing to learn from them. Next, focus on your overarching goal and the importance of the relationship with your listener. Now it’s time to apologize. Acknowledge the situation and what you did wrong. It’s important to get it right. Here’s what NOT to say: “I’m sorry I didn’t step in when people were interrupting you, but I think that’s part of our lively culture.” Excuses and justifications don’t belong in an apology. Hint: if your apology includes the word, “but” it’s likely not going to repair the relationship! Instead, share an apology with the promise of improved future behavior. Get specific and commit to investing and growing the relationship. Here’s a better example: “I’m sorry I didn’t step in when people were interrupting you. I’ve always valued a debate culture, but I now realize that comes at a cost. In this case, it prevented you from sharing all your ideas. In the future, I will set the tone by asking the room to hold their questions and thoughts until the speaker has finished their presentation. I value our relationship and am open to other thoughts you have about how to make our meetings valuable for everyone.” #communicationscoach #corporatelife

So you screw up at work or in life ... now what? Or, how to apologize (from a crisis comms wizard!). I've worked on messaging with nonprofits, politicians, corporations, and thought leaders for years. People screw up and need to make amends. All the time! Look, you can't win back a relationship with a good apology. But you can lose a relationship without one. Here's how you do it. ____________________ // 1. (LACK OF) SPEED KILLS It's called "crisis comms" for a reason. Initiate the apology process immediately. You can even proactively do this if you know what you did was wrong. Waiting gives people the opportunity to seethe or recruit their allies against you. Animosities can calcify. Don't let them. // 2. BE DIRECT You're going to want it to feel like you're steering your ego into the ditch. Use active voice. Acknowledge the severity. Don't beat around the bush. No flowery language. Don't grovel or pander or overapologize. You're not a martyr. You're a human. You're not a poet. So, just the facts, Jack. "I'm sorry for X. In doing so, I caused A, B, C." // 3. ACTIVELY LISTEN Acknowledge the pain; don't defend yourself. Validate their feelings; don't talk about your own. You may feel triggered and like telling them they're wrong. Even if they are ... Don't do that. Not then. Take deep breaths. Be kind to the situation. Mirror their own hurt and show genuine compassion. // 4. TAKE SWIFT CORRECTIVE ACTION Stupid tweet? Take it down. Offend a group of people? Donate $$$. Disappoint your boss? Find an easy win and execute. Fire or suspend. Do it without them asking. Additionally, do what they ask you to. // 5. KNOW WHEN TO WRAP IT UP The apology is done when they say it is. They may not explicitly say so, but you can usually tell. Don't leave early. Don't stay late. It's like going to a friend's house. You know when the party's over. And unless you're specifically there to help clean, you'll want to just go once they start yawning or say "well, anywayyyy ..." // 6. LEARN (!!!) As I said above, you can't win back a relationship with a good apology. You win back a relationship by being better long-term. Determine what's required of you to do that, and make that a blanket policy with them, and with others. People want you to improve! They want you to show up well for them! Time doesn't heal all wounds but it heals most, and visibly navigating and smoothing your own imperfections with them is, paradoxically, a great way to strengthen a relationship. ______________ It's not the end of your world or career when you screw up. It just feels that way. If you can be quick, direct, vulnerable, compassionate, and genuine—and be willing to take action and direction—you can salvage something from any wreckages of your own making. Ask me how I know. 🙂 . . . #communication #crisiscomms #careers #rise2024