Soft Skills for Leadership

I love the idea of middle-aged women (like me) claiming their power and having a positive impact on the world. But new research by Prof. Jennifer Chatman and her colleagues shows that along with perceptions of having impact can come a penalty for appearing less warm. And this likeability penalty can result in lower ratings, despite having the chops to do the job. All along the career ladder, women contend with the likeability-competence tradeoff. That means when they appear warm and helpful, they are not perceived to be competent. Or if they drive results, they are not perceived to be supportive of others. This is also called the likeability penalty: women doing the job required for success can be penalized. And on the flipside, men are not likely to face this penalty. While this dynamic is larger than any individual (and in many cases, built into definitions of success), there is much we can do to change the game. ✔ As individuals, we can stop responding to our “gut reaction” -- if we notice ourselves reacting negatively to a strong, assertive woman, take a pause. Ask, “Am I just reacting to the likeability penalty?” And consider giving her the benefit of the doubt. Leadership does require getting stuff done. Why act negatively to women doing their jobs? ✔ As teams, question negative evaluations of women’s communication styles. At the Stanford VMware Women's Leadership Innovation Lab, we created a framework in which we help leaders “value” the same behavior equitably. If you notice people negatively responding to a woman behaving the same way men behave, stop, and ensure you value behaviors the same for all. ✔ Last, become versed in questioning the likeability penalty when you hear it. I remember my younger self speaking negatively about a powerful woman I did not know. Her allies talked to me about the penalty. I was stunned at my own behavior. How could I, and advocate for gender equality, fall into the trap? Ever since that day, I speak up when I hear unwarranted likeability-penalty comments. In my career, so many powerful women have had my back. I hope I can do the same for others. Now that I am middle-aged, I can see much clearer that only together, can we have a positive impact on the world. Thank you to Jennifer Chatman, Daron Sharps, PhD, Sonya Mishra, Laura Kray, PhD, Michael S.North and University of California, Berkeley, Haas School of Business for this research. #womenleaders #diversityequityandinclusion #leadership

"Wow, you know your numbers!" "You don’t look like a tech founder!" At some point, I stopped saying “thank you” and started asking, Why is this surprising? Because these aren’t compliments. They’re low expectations wrapped in politeness. As a woman in tech, you learn to spot it early. The way people are impressed when you’re prepared. The surprise when you have clear opinions.The disbelief when you talk systems, not just vision. It’s not flattery. It’s bias disguised as encouragement. I don’t want to be the exception. I want the baseline to shift. So the next time you find yourself impressed that a woman is confident, sharp, and knows what she’s doing — Ask yourself why that still surprises you.

🤏🏼 It takes so little for men to be trusted as leaders 🤏🏼 And it takes so little for women to be questioned as one. When I took my first Senior Director role in Germany, deep in the male-dominated automotive world, my future boss and I had a quiet heart-to-heart. “Jingjin, in this world, women in power are seen in only two ways: The Victim or The Villain. There is no third option, at least not yet. Which one you choose will define your entire leadership path.” I said I’d be a Victor. Naively believing performance alone would protect me. It didn’t. Because Leadership isn’t just about competence. It’s about perception. And perception for women is often rigged. 🔻 Be firm → You're a bitch 🔻 Be soft → You're weak 🔻 Be nurturing → You're not tough enough 🔻 Be assertive → You’re intimidating 🔻 Be collaborative → You lack authority 🔻 Show ambition → You’re self-serving 🔻 Set boundaries → You’re difficult 🔻 Show emotion → You’re unstable Meanwhile, men doing the exact same things are seen as confident, visionary, and decisive. The game isn't fair, but it can be hacked. 💥 Here’s how I’ve learned to play it smarter, not smaller: 1️⃣ Stop aiming to be liked. Aim to be trusted. Do this instead of people-pleasing: set 3 non-negotiables (response time, meeting prep, decision rights) and tell your team. Close every loop: “As promised, delivered X by Fri; next: Y by Wed.” Say no with options: “To deliver A by 15 Oct, we drop B or move C to Nov, what’s your pick?” 2️⃣ Use duality to your advantage. Be warm in tone, cold in logic.“Thanks for the push, bottom line: delay = €120k burn; I recommend Option B.”  Kind in delivery, fierce in boundaries, say kindly: “Happy to help; I can take two items, not five. Which two matter most?” 3️⃣ Make allies before you need them Map five: your boss, their boss, Finance, Legal, one influential peer. Give each a monthly micro-win (early heads-up, a clean slide, a risk you catch). Pre-wire asks: “In tomorrow’s review, if this comes up, can you anchor it back to my team’s Q2 analysis?” Send a 3-line update monthly: “Where we are / risk / what I need.” Deposits before withdrawals. 4️⃣ Own the label, then flip it. Pre-empt: “I’ll be direct so we can decide in 20 minutes, stop me anytime.” State the elephant in the room: “Yes, I’m intense, that’s how we hit targets. Here’s the plan, owners, and dates.” If poked: “I hear ‘difficult’; what I’m being is clear. With a budget we deliver B by 30 Nov; without it, we pause. Which path?” 🚀 If you want to install these moves step-by-step with scripts, templates, and real case breakdowns, our signature online program “From Hidden Talent to Visible Leader” is now available on demand (opened by popular demand for those who missed the live cohort). Check out here: https://lnkd.in/g--zEGZS 👉 Because being good at the job and being seen as good at the job are two different jobs...

Yesterday I led a workshop for women in private equity, and one theme kept surfacing: self-advocacy feels impossible when you’re already fighting to belong. It's the paradox these women face every day. They need to speak up more to get noticed, but when they do, they risk being labeled “aggressive.” They need to promote their wins, but they’ve been socialized to let their work speak for itself. They need to build relationships and visibility, but the informal networks often happen in spaces where they’re not invited. Nevertheless, self-advocacy isn’t optional, especially for women working in male-dominated industries. Research shows that women’s contributions are systematically attributed to others, that our ideas need to be repeated by men to be heard, and that our expertise is questioned more frequently than our male colleagues’. Self-advocacy isn’t about being pushy or aggressive. It’s about being intentional with your voice and strategic about your visibility. Here are four concrete ways to advocate for yourself starting today: 1. Master the “credit redirect” When someone repeats your idea, immediately respond with: “Thanks, John. I’m glad you’re building on the solution I proposed earlier. Let me expand on that framework…” This reclaims YOUR ownership while maintaining professionalism. 2. Document your wins in real-time Keep a “victory log” on your phone. After every meeting where you contribute, jot down what you said and any positive responses. Reference these specifics in performance reviews and promotion conversations. 3. Practice strategic amplification Find one trusted colleague who will amplify your contributions in meetings. Agree to do the same for them. When they share an idea, respond with: “Sarah’s point about the data analysis is exactly right, and it connects to…” This mutual support system works. 4. Lose the “self-shrinking” language.  Stop saying “I’m sorry to bother you.” Stop saying “Maybe we could…” Stop saying “I’m wondering if…” Stop saying “I’ll make it quick.” Take up space. Make your mark. Trust that you and your ideas are worthy of other people’s time, energy, and attention (and most certainly your own as well.) The reality is that in many industries, we’re still fighting to be heard. But we don’t have to fight alone, and we don’t have to wait for permission to advocate for ourselves. Your ideas deserve to be heard and you deserve credit for the value you bring. What’s one way you’ve learned to advocate for yourself at work? The women in yesterday’s workshop had some brilliant strategies to share too. #womenleaders #privateequity #womeninmaledominatedindustries

Advice for women in their 20s Don’t be afraid of tapping into your feminine energy and making it a strength in your corporate career. Here is how: Understanding Feminine Energy in the Corporate Context 1. Redefine Success: * Broad Perspective: Success is not just about climbing the corporate ladder but also about creating a fulfilling and balanced career. * Personal Definition: Define what success means to you beyond traditional metrics like promotions or salaries. 2. Embrace Feminine Qualities: * Empathy: Use empathy to build relationships, understand different perspectives, and address team needs. * Intuition: Trust your gut feelings in decision-making processes. * Collaboration: Focus on team success rather than just individual achievements. Practical Strategies for Leveraging Feminine Energy 1. Develop Emotional Intelligence: * Self-Awareness: Be mindful of your emotions and how they influence your behavior. * Empathy: Listen actively and validate others’ feelings and opinions. * Conflict Resolution: Approach conflicts with a problem-solving mindset, aiming for win-win solutions. 2. Cultivate Strong Relationships: * Networking: Build genuine connections rather than just transactional relationships. * Mentorship: Seek out mentors and also offer mentorship to others. 3. Communicate Effectively: * Assertiveness: Express your ideas and needs confidently without being aggressive. * Active Listening: Show that you value others' input through attentive listening and thoughtful responses. 4. Be Authentic: * True Self: Bring your genuine self to work, showing vulnerability and authenticity. * Consistency: Be consistent in your values and actions. 5. Balance Feminine and Masculine Energies: * Flexibility: Adapt your approach based on the situation—using empathy and collaboration when needed, and assertiveness and strategic thinking when required. * Self-Reflection: Regularly assess whether you are balancing these energies effectively. Building a Supportive Environment 1. Seek and Create Support Systems: * Allies: Find colleagues who appreciate and support your approach. * Women’s Networks: Join organizations or groups focused on women’s professional development. 2. Challenge Stereotypes: * Advocate for Change: Address and challenge biases and stereotypes when you encounter them. * Promote Diversity: Support and advocate for diverse voices and perspectives in the workplace. 3. Practice Self-Care: * Boundaries: Set clear boundaries between work and personal life. * Wellness: Engage in activities that promote your mental, emotional, and physical health. Tips for Success Using Feminine Energy 1. Lead with Compassion 2. Foster a Collaborative Culture 3. Utilize Intuition and Creativity 4. Maintain Professionalism and Integrity What advice do you have for women in their 20s? Please feel free to share in the comments ⬇️

“If you never say no, your yes loses value.” Think about that for a moment! A good portion of my clients are women who work in corporate America. As a dual-certified career strategist, I’ve found far too many of them have tied their self-worth to being seen as agreeable, always available, and always saying “yes.” But here’s the thing I remind them in our coaching sessions: 👉 Saying yes to everything doesn’t make you indispensable — it makes you depleted. 👉 Saying yes doesn’t elevate your credibility — it dilutes your impact. 👉 Saying yes to everything doesn’t make you a leader — it often traps you in a cycle of reactive work and invisible labor. The truth is: “Yes” culture has a cost. And it’s time to get honest about the emotional toll of always being available, agreeable, and accommodating. Some of my clients believe it’s “career suicide” to say no, especially to senior leadership, high-stakes projects, or team requests. Once we engage in new thought to avoid the knee-jerk reaction of saying “yes” and strengthen the “no” muscle something remarkable happens. Women who flex that “no” muscle are more likely to be viewed as strategic leaders. They gain influence in high-stakes conversations. They stop being the go-to for everything and instead become the go-to for the things that add true value to an organization. That shift changes how they’re seen, how they’re compensated, as well as how they scale in their careers. Here’s what I want to tell every high-achieving professional woman who’s been running on hustle autopilot: You don’t have to earn your worth by overextending yourself. When you say “no” with intention, you say “yes” to… • Long-term career vision • Mental clarity and emotional bandwidth • Real respect from your peers and leaders It’s no accident that the leaders who scale are the ones who say no with grace and confidence. They’re not trying to prove themselves — they’re prioritizing what moves the needle. So, let’s talk about the don’ts of saying yes: ❌ Don’t say yes out of fear, guilt, or the need to be liked. ❌ Don’t say yes before considering the opportunity cost. ❌ Don’t confuse saying yes with being strategic. And the do’s of saying no: ✅ Do say no to preserve your energy for your highest contribution. ✅ Do say no to signal your clarity of vision. ✅ Do say no so your yes holds real weight. Boundaries don’t make you less committed. They make you more credible. Being valuable isn’t about being everywhere — it’s about showing up where it counts. The next time your inbox is full and someone says, “Can you just...?” Take a pause. Ask: Does this create value? Is this mine to carry? And if the answer is no, honor it. Where in your workweek could a clear no create more space for what truly matters? Share your thoughts in the comments.

𝗘𝗺𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗪𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗥𝗲𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗖𝗿𝗲𝗱𝗶𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗸: 𝗔 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗰 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗮𝗰𝗵 Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of #mentoring some brilliant women professionals, who are not just talented but deeply dedicated to their work. Yet, many of them have approached me feeling demotivated, not because of a lack of skills or opportunities, but because their contributions were being overshadowed or outright claimed by others. This isn’t just about #confidence; it’s about #fairness & the #courage to set #boundaries. One mentee, a high-performing manager, shared how her ideas were routinely presented as someone else’s in meetings. Another was disheartened after months of leading a project only to see the credit given to a peer. Their stories resonated deeply because 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗮𝗻 𝗶𝘀𝗼𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝘀𝘀𝘂𝗲. According to Harvard Business Review, 82% of professionals experience credit-snatching, & for many, it directly impacts their career progression. Through the mentoring process, I've helped them develop strategies to reclaim ownership & ensure their contributions were recognized. Here are some strategies that worked: 1. 𝗖𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗸 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 One mentee began sharing weekly progress emails with her manager & team, clearly outlining her contributions. This simple step not only increased transparency but also ensured her work was visible to key stakeholders. 2. 𝗦𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗸 𝗨𝗽 𝗦𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 During a team meeting, another mentee confidently reclaimed her idea when someone else tried to take credit. She said, “I’m glad this was brought up, it’s something I explored when I worked on XYZ. Here’s how I think we can take it forward.” It wasn’t confrontational, but it was firm. 3. 𝗕𝘂𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗮 𝗦𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗡𝗲𝘁𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸 I guided another of my mentee to cultivate allies; peers who could amplify her voice in meetings & advocate for her when she wasn’t in the room. This not only boosted her confidence but also created a stronger team dynamic. 4. 𝗢𝘄𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 Many women hesitate to showcase their achievements, fearing they’ll appear boastful. But 𝗰𝗲𝗹𝗲𝗯𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗶𝗻𝘀 𝗶𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗴𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲; 𝗶𝘁’𝘀 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽. I urged a mentee to volunteer for presenting team results at a leadership forum. Her presentation was so impactful that she became the go-to person for similar opportunities. The transformation in my mentees has been inspiring. From feeling sidelined to becoming confident advocates for their work, they’ve proven that taking ownership is empowering. 𝗕𝗲𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗲: There's a thin line between standing up for self & self promotion. However, remember that you deserve to be seen & acknowledged for your efforts. As mentors, leaders, & colleagues, it’s on us to foster a culture where no one has to fight for what they’ve earned. #Mentorship #WomenAtWork #Leadership #CareerGrowth #Goals2025

If “maternal instincts” can save us from AI, why do we punish them in human leaders? Geoffrey Hinton, the “Godfather of AI,” said at a conference this week that we should give AI qualities like care, empathy, and protection—so it won’t take over humanity. Yet new research posted in the Harvard Law School on Corporate Governance today shows women leaders, often expected to show these very traits, are judged more harshly than men. Lead with warmth? You’re seen as less authoritative or under-confident. Lead with authority? You’re dinged for not being warm enough. Women walk a tightrope their male peers rarely face. If AI needs maternal instincts to keep humanity safe, maybe humanity needs them too. The upside? As both a mom and a leader, I do believe it's possible to build workplaces and technology where the qualities we most need are the ones we actually reward. Here's more on Geoffrey Hinton's comments: https://lnkd.in/g_WipE-K? And more on the data on "warm authority" of women CEO's: https://lnkd.in/gQMKENqi

A senior team leader asked me this in a workshop: “When I focus on being approachable, I feel like I lose control. When I’m strict, I get results but the energy drops.” We unpacked it together as I shared research insight from Amy Cuddy: We judge leaders on two dimensions: ▪️ Warmth (Do you care about me?) ▪️ Competence (Can you lead me?) Without warmth, competence feels threatening. Without competence, warmth feels irrelevant. The trick isn’t choosing one - it’s sequencing: 1. Lead with warmth to open trust. 2. Follow with competence to earn respect. ‼️ BUT for women leaders, this isn’t just sequencing but also navigating the double bind. Show too much warmth → risk being seen as “soft” and incompetent. Show too much competence → risk being called “cold” or “abrasive.” This is where psychological safety 🧠  changes the game. When your team feels safe to speak up, challenge, and make mistakes, you don’t have to work twice as hard to prove you’re both caring and capable - the culture does that for you. 3 ways to balance both trust and respect: 1️⃣ Signal authority through clarity, not volume Be explicit about expectations, priorities, and decision-making rights - this earns respect without creating fear. 2️⃣ Build trust in micro-moments Small acts like asking a genuine question, admitting a small mistake, thanking someone for speaking up compound into lasting warmth. 3️⃣ Pair every standard with support When you raise the bar, also raise the safety net. “I expect us to deliver this and I’ll help remove the obstacles in your way.” 📍 In my Leadership Program: How to Be a Leader Who Builds High-Performing Teams and a Psychologically Safe Culture, I teach leaders how to: - Signal warmth without losing authority - Hold high standards without creating fear - Use psychological safety as a lever for both trust and performance Because when you get this balance right, people don’t just follow you because they have to but they follow you because they want to. P.S.: If you’re a leader, have you found your own way to balance being liked and being respected?

I am (not) your mother, Luke.   Or your sister. Or girlfriend. Or your wife.   I am your boss.   And yet, as a female leader, I often found that my team members unconsciously placed me in a caregiving role. Which triggered in me a need to nurture them, which undermined my authority, and was no good for any of us.   I’m not alone in this. Many of the women leaders I work with in my role as mentor say the same thing. That when they have to make tough decisions, they get reactions that their male equivalents simply don’t have to face.   👩👦 The ‘mother’ role. You’re expected to be nurturing, to provide emotional support and protection. And any criticism may be taken as harsh, like being told off by mummy. 👩 The ‘sister’ role: You’re expected to be friendly, collaborative and fun. Assertiveness can be misread as aggression. 👰♀️ The ‘girlfriend / wife’ role: You’re expected to take on emotional labour, be a supportive ear, or even hand conflict in a soothing manner. These roles are a trap for women in business, where they feel that they have to balance warmth with authority, competence with compassion. And it’s exhausting!   The struggle is real ❌ Women may struggle to progress if they don’t conform to caregiving expectations ❌ Feedback from women leaders is more likely to be taken personally, rather than as professional guidance ❌ Women leaders may try to do it all, fulfilling both emotional and professional expectations – leading to burnout   To avoid this trap, women often try to take on what they perceive as a male archetype – becoming cold and harsh. But that’s not the best way forward. The answer is authenticity. How to be just you ✅ Educate your team and yourself about these biases – knowing about them is the first step to avoiding them ✅ Set boundaries – be clear about professional expectations versus personal involvement ✅ Communicate honestly – don’t feel you have to soften your message, be direct and clear ✅ Support other women – advocate for structures that allow women to lead without having to take on caregiving expectations. It’s time women stopped trying to be everything to everyone and focused on being just the very best version of themselves.   What about you? Are you a female leader who finds herself being put in these boxes? Are you a man working with women who expects them to be the caregivers? Let me know! ⬇️