Why Parent/Child Patterns Reduce Team Trust

A client I know well was recently shouted at and belittled in a meeting. This wasn't a junior staff member who had done something wrong - my client is a senior level manager who was yelled at in front of a room full of people by her Chief Executive! And even if she was a junior staff member who had screwed up, surely we're past the days of being chewed out, loudly, in front of others? #notthe1980s I talked to my client about the Transactional Analysis theory, developed by Eric Berne. The incident perfectly illustrated what psychologists call "Parent-Child" transactions in the workplace, based on this Transactional Analysis theory. In healthy professional relationships, we should aim for "Adult-Adult" interactions, where both parties communicate with respect, rationality, and emotional maturity. Instead, when this CE resorted to shouting and public humiliation, he was operating from what's known as the "Critical Parent" ego state - controlling, judgmental, and authoritarian. This automatically forces the recipient into a "Child" ego state, regardless of their seniority or expertise. The impact? Well she certainly won't like, respect, or trust him again but it's also about the ongoing damage. This kind of behaviour: - Destroys psychological safety in the workplace - Undermines the leadership credibility (of both parties) - Creates a culture of fear that can stifle productivity, innovation and creativity In fact, her immediate reaction was to look for a new job. True leadership strength isn't about wielding power through fear - it's about creating an environment where "Adult-Adult" transactions are the norm - respectful, solution-focused, and professionally mature. Have you ever been shouted at by a boss? #LeadershipDevelopment #Career #TransactionalAnalysis

Your employees are not your children. I've heard many leaders describe their role as "raising" younger employees or complain about having to "parent" their teams. This framing while well-intentioned creates challenges for a team. Your employees are adults. They come to work with their own experiences, perspectives, and capabilities. When we frame our relationship as parent-child, we: ➡️ Undermine their autonomy ➡️ Create unnecessary power dynamics that stifle collaboration ➡️ Miss out on valuable insights from different generational perspectives ➡️ Potentially foster resentment rather than mutual respect What effective leadership looks like instead: ✅ Mentoring through guidance, not control, condescension, or shame ✅ Setting clear expectations while respecting autonomy ✅ Learning from each other across generational lines ✅ Recognizing that "different" doesn't mean "wrong" ✅ Providing development opportunities, not discipline The strongest teams emerge when experienced leaders share knowledge while remaining open to new perspectives. When seasoned professionals collaborate with emerging talent rather than trying to mold them into carbon copies of themselves. Your role isn't to raise your employees. It's to lead them, develop them, and create an environment where their adult capabilities can flourish. The workplace works best when we treat everyone like the professionals they are. #leadboldly #leadboldlylearning #generationaldifferences #developingmanagers #developingleaders #leadership #workplaceculture

In my latest Forbes article, I break down a troubling increase in parent-child dynamics at work. We’ve all seen the headlines: CEOs scolding teams in town halls, shaming employees in memos, or warning that remote workers “aren’t doing enough.” These aren’t signs of strong leadership. They’re symptoms of a deeper issue—what I call the parent-child dynamic. ❌ In this model, leaders play the overbearing parent and employees become helpless children. Sometimes it shows up as the helicopter parent leader who swoops in to fix everything. Other times, it’s the critical parent who leads with disappointment and blame. Either way, the message is the same: “I don’t trust you to handle this.” The costs? Innovation dies. Accountability fades. Teams grow dependent instead of empowered. 🔍 The data from Leadership IQ is sobering: Only 23% of employees say their leader always responds constructively to problems. Just 29% always know whether they’re meeting expectations. And only 17% feel they have real influence over their outcomes at work. If you’re a leader, here’s one small but powerful shift: 👉 When someone brings you a problem, ask: “What’s your plan for solving this issue?” It’s just seven words—but it transfers ownership, communicates trust, and builds adult-to-adult relationships. Because the real risk isn’t that someone fails. The real risk is that your smartest people stop trying. Have you seen this dynamic at work—either as a leader or employee? What helped shift it? #leadership #workplaceculture #executivecoaching #management #teamperformance #trust #greatleaders https://lnkd.in/gqCuAfTy

We work with A LOT of leaders. And many can come across as what you could call ‘disappointed dads’ (or ‘disappointed mums’ - though I would say that I see this issue more with men vs. women). Here is how it shows up: - nonverbal signs of disapproval: sighs, silence - passive-aggressive feedback (“After everything I’ve done for this team, this is what I get?”) - withholding praise - inability to regulate frustration when things don’t go as planned Invariably this leadership behaviour leads to fear-based compliance and low morale… Here is what we try to role-model and suggest as a way forward instead: ✅ Communicate expectations upfront. Instead of reacting with disappointment, ensure your team knows what success looks like. ✅ Separate behaviour from the person. Provide feedback on specific actions, not the person’s worth. ✅ Coach instead of critique. Ask, “What did we learn?” instead of “Why did you let this happen?” ✅ Encourage ownership. Allow space for self-correction and growth, instead of making employees feel like they’ve let you down. ✅ Celebrate progress. Acknowledge effort and improvement, not just results. Any other examples of parent-child relationships at work? #Leadership #HighPerformingTeams

One of the most useful tools I use with leaders comes from the work of Eric Berne, a Canadian psychiatrist who developed Transactional Analysis. He described that in every interaction, we’re often communicating from one of three “ego states”: 👩👩👦 Parent – Thoughts, feelings and behaviours copied from parents / parental figures. Can be 'controlling' or 'nurturing'. 🧑 Adult – Thoughts, Feelings and behaviours rooted in the ‘present’. Rational, curious, present, problem-solving. 👶 Child – Thoughts, Feelings and behaviours replayed from childhood. Emotional, playful, reactive, rebellious. As leaders, it’s so easy to slip into 'Parent mode' without even realising it (I am guilty of this). What this looks like: 👉 The nurturing parent shows up when you say: “Don’t worry, I’ll sort it out for you.” 👉 The controlling parent says things like: “Why did you do it that way?" My own natural style leans towards 'nurturing parent', which I know I get from my mum. A few examples of my 'nurturing parent' in action: - Jumping in to fix something instead of letting a team member work it out for themselves (and unintentionally undermining them) - Taking over a tough conversation for a manger because they don't feel comfortable to do this themselves. - Acting as 'peace-maker' where there has been a disagreement between two other leaders - Quietly correcting someone else's errors (often a message from the CEO to the team) All of these examples came from my good intentions to help and support, but in reality it has stifled others growth, undermined someones confidence or created a dependancy. 👉 When leaders slip into Nurturing Parent, employees can respond like dependent or rebellious children. 👉 When leaders act as Controlling Parents, employees often react defensively, anxiously, or by feeling 'it's not fair' and shutting down. My coaching practice taught me the importance of staying in the 'adult-to-adult' state and leading from adult mode. It is something I consciously worked on when I had my own team and am also trying to do with my teenage daughter. Here are a few things I do to stay in Adult mode: ✅ Pause before reacting (sometimes that means taking a day to respond). ✅ Ask open questions instead of solving: “What do you think the next step should be to resolve this conflict?” ✅ Ask what support is needed without taking over the tough conversations: “What bits are you struggling with", "What options do you have" If you’re interested in digging deeper, 'I’m OK, You’re OK' by Thomas A Harris is a great, practical read on this topic. Would love to hear from you? Do you have a natural Parent state you fall into as a leader? And what helps you get back to Adult-to-Adult?