Ways to Help Teams Learn from Their Conflicts

After working with 353 companies in the last ten years, we've found that it’s not too much conflict that kills teams. It’s the fear of having any at all. Disagreeing well is one of the most important—and most overlooked—skills we now teach for today’s workplace. We put so much emphasis on teams "connecting well" and feeling "safe and seen". But what about disagreeing well, challenging each other in a safe way. Time after time, we hear our clients say that their people stay silent in meetings, avoid giving feedback, or default to just saying “thank you” when what they really mean is “I disagree but don’t know how to say it.” Last week alone, we were on a discovery call with a client and I asked what the team lead wanted out of our potential workshop: “I really want them to learn how to disagree professionally.” That’s it. Not how to avoid conflict. Not how to sugarcoat it. Just how to do it well (as a mature adult), and challenge someone’s idea without actually making them feel like they’re being challenged. We invented a method three years ago called Inquisitive Empathy to help teams do just that. At the core of it is this idea: when in doubt, ask better questions. Not accusatory questions. Not questions loaded with hidden judgments. But curious, calibrated questions that start with What or How. Not Why. Questions like: “What outcome were you hoping for?” or “How do you see this working across teams?” These questions help people feel seen, not attacked. They create space for reflection instead of reaction. And they open the door for mutual understanding—even in moments of tension. When people learn how to disagree well, everything changes. Conversations go deeper. Ideas improve. Respect grows. And most importantly, people stop avoiding the hard stuff—and start leaning into it, together.

We’ve all experienced those team meetings that don’t go as planned.  But what if I told you there’s a powerful way to turn things around? That power is respect. I once had a team divided over a project’s direction. Instead of choosing sides, I decided to listen. 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 listen. I gave everyone my full attention and showed them that their opinions mattered. What happened next was incredible. The anger melted away. People started building on each other's ideas instead of tearing them down. We found common ground and suddenly, we weren't enemies. We were problem-solvers working towards the same goal. Respect isn’t just about being polite. It’s about truly valuing each other’s viewpoints, even when you disagree. It connects different perspectives and turns conflicts into opportunities for growth. So, the next time tensions rise, try this: 1. Create a safe space for open discussion. 2. Listen without interrupting. 3. Validate feelings, even if you disagree. 4. Look for shared goals. 5. Build on ideas instead of shooting them down. Lead with respect, and watch how it transforms your team. It’s not just about resolving one conflict. It’s about creating a culture where creativity and collaboration thrive.

Recently, a CEO client came to me frustrated. Despite having highly experienced leaders, mission-critical decisions kept getting sidelined. The elephant in the room was growing but no one was talking about it. The challenge? Slow progress because personal opinions were turning into Win/Lose. Here’s what we did to break the cycle: 1. Naming the Elephant We crafted a powerful opening statement for his next meeting: "Let's talk about the elephant that's been hanging out in the parking lot." But before the meeting, we established two critical agreements with the team: - These critical issues are a top priority that need resolution. - Clear expectations for open dialogue, ensuring that all concerns—yes, even the uncomfortable ones—are acknowledged and heard. As a CEO, true leadership isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about building a team brave enough to hear and validate different points of view. 2. Generative Conversations Next, he introduced something I shared with him: Generative Conversations. Now, every statement must be followed with "the reason I'm saying this is..." This small shift opened up entirely new possibilities. The team discovered they could move beyond "all or nothing, this or that" thinking. Solutions emerged that honored multiple perspectives - what I call "both/and" thinking rather than an "either/or" deadlock. 3. Fist to Five Voting After setting the stage for open and honest discussions, he introduced a simple yet effective voting technique to bring clarity and transparency to team alignment: Fist: No way One finger: Need to talk Two: Have reservations Three: I'm okay with it Four: Sounds good Five: Total agreement The result? Issues stuck for months started moving forward. The team discovered that what looked like opposition was often just unexpressed concerns. Remember: Your role as a CEO or executive leader isn't to avoid conflict—it's to create conditions where necessary conflicts become productive. How many elephants are sitting in your parking lot?

Conflict gets a bad rap in the workplace. Early in my career, I believed conflict had no place in a healthy workplace. As I progressed, I realized that it was quite the contrary. The lack of conflict isn't a sign of a healthy work culture, rather it is an indication that important debates, discussions and differing viewpoints are being disregarded or suppressed. This insight revealed another key aspect: high-performing teams do not shy away from conflict. They embrace it, leveraging diverse opinions to drive optimal outcomes for customers. What sets these teams apart is their ability to handle conflict constructively. So how can this be achieved? I reached out to my friend Andrea Stone, Leadership Coach and Founder of Stone Leadership, for some tips on effectively managing conflict in the workplace. Here's the valuable guidance she provided: 1. Pause: Take a moment to assess your feelings in the heat of the moment. Be curious about your emotions, resist immediate reactions, and take the time to understand the why behind your feelings. 2. Seek the Other Perspective: Engage genuinely, listen intently, show real interest, and ask pertinent questions. Remember to leave your preconceived judgments at the door. 3. Acknowledge Their Perspective: Express your understanding of their viewpoint. If their arguments have altered your perspective, don't hesitate to share this with them. 4. Express Your Viewpoint: If your opinion remains unswayed, seek permission to explain your perspective and experiences. Remember to speak from your viewpoint using "I" statements. 5. Discuss the Bigger Objective: Identify common grounds and goals. Understand that each person might have a different, bigger picture in mind. This process can be taxing, so prepare beforehand. In prolonged conflict situations, don't hesitate to suggest breaks to refresh and refuel mentally, physically, and emotionally. 6. Know Your Limits: If the issue is of significant importance to you, be aware of your boundaries. For those familiar with negotiation tactics, know your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). 7. Finalize Agreements: Once an agreement has been reached, continue the engagement to agree on responsibilities and timeframes. This ensures clarity on the outcome and commitments made. PS: Approach such situations with curiosity and assume others are trying to do the right thing. 🔁 Useful? I would appreciate a repost. Image Credit: Hari Haralambiev ----- Follow me, tap the (🔔) Omar Halabieh for daily Leadership and Career posts.