Creating Compelling Fundraising Messages For Alumni

Do you want to write better, more compelling #fundraising appeals? Every time you write about your programs, ask yourself this one simple question after each sentence. So what? "We train foster parents." So what? "So that they build stronger bonds with the kids in their care" So what? "So that children in their care feel genuinely safe and loved." So what? "Children who feel safe and loved experience healing and growth. Children who experience healing and growth eventually grow up to become resilient adults who create stable families of their own and break generational cycles of trauma." What's more compelling? ✖️ Help train foster parents. or ✅ Help children heal and thrive. ✅ Create a legacy of stable, loving families. ✅ Break generational cycles of trauma. ✅ Help children feel safe and loved. See the difference? Keep pushing past WHAT you do until you get to WHY it matters. People don't give to fund programs. They give to change lives. Show them how.

One of the simplest rules-of-thumb that still works in fundraising... and life. Why “You” Matters More Than “I” Debbie Meyers shared this wisdom in her DPP Lunch Analysis presentation. Nonprofit fundraisers spend a lot of time and effort crafting messaging to appeal to donors and encourage their support. 🌋 However, the language we use in these communications often focuses too much on “us”—the organization—rather than “you”—the donor. To truly engage donors and inspire them to give generously, we must adopt an outward focus. When writing for donors, avoid starting sentences with “I,” “we,” or “our.” 💡 Instead, address the donor directly using “you.” For example, rather than saying “We awarded 10 new scholarships this year thanks to your support,” try “You made it possible for 10 deserving students to receive scholarships this year.” This subtle shift places the donor at the center of the impact and helps them feel personally connected to your mission. 💡Ask open-ended questions to engage the reader For example, say “How can we work together to help even more students access higher education?” However, be sure to provide context for your questions. Donors want to understand the challenges and opportunities, not guess at them. Follow up your questions with compelling stories and data that inspire them to act. 💡 Show how donors are part of the solution, not just funders of your organization. Highlight the change they are making possible in people’s lives. For example, say “You gave John hope for a brighter future” rather than “Your gift supported our youth programs.” Capture the human impact and emotions to forge a deeper connection between the donor and your cause. 💡 Conversational, authentic language also helps to focus outward. Use an active voice, contractions, and vary your sentence structure. Write the way you would talk to a friend. While a formal tone may seem respectful, it creates distance rather than fostering intimacy with the donor. An outward focus requires empathy, listening to understand what motivates your donors to give and framing communications around their interests and impact. When donors recognize how they can transform lives through your organization, they will become loyal champions of your mission. So, keep “you” at the heart of your messages—it’s the key to donor participation.

Most fundraising appeals are too polite. Too indirect. Too passive. Too focused on what 𝘸𝘦 do— instead of what the donor makes possible. If you want more clarity, more confidence, and more response in your writing, start here: 𝗦𝘁𝗼𝗽 𝘀𝗼𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗮𝗰𝘁. 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘀𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝘄𝗻𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽. I call it 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗩𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗙𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗿𝗮𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴. And it looks like this: “Together, we help feed people” ➡️ “You feed hungry people” “You are helping provide education” ➡️ “You’re educating children” “With your support, we can offer shelter” ➡️ “You provide shelter to those in need” “Thanks to you, we’re able to offer medical assistance” ➡️ “You’re delivering lifesaving medical care” “Your donations support our advocacy efforts” ➡️ “You’re championing human rights” This isn’t about semantics. It’s about 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵. When the donor sees themselves as the one acting, they feel agency. They feel urgency. They feel 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥. So cut the qualifiers. Eliminate the disclaimers. And write like the donor is the one holding the pen. 𝗕𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗮𝗿𝗲. What’s one sentence in your next appeal you can rewrite with 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 at the center?

Your fundraising appeals keep failing for one reason. It's not your subject line. It's not your donation page. It's not your ask amount. It's not even your story. It's that you're talking about yourself instead of your donor. Count the words "we," "us," and "our" in your last appeal. Now count "you" and "your." If the first number is higher, you've found your problem. Your donors don't care about your organization's needs. They care about the impact they can make through you. The organizations raising more money aren't writing better appeals about themselves. They're writing better appeals about their donors. They don't say "We need your support." They say "You can change a life." They don't say "Our programs are effective." They say "Your gift creates transformation." They don't say "Help us meet our goal." They say "Your impact will multiply when you give today." Pull out your last three fundraising appeals. Highlight every sentence that focuses on your organization rather than your donor's impact. Rewrite each one to put your donor at the center. Because your appeals aren't failing because of poor technique. They're failing because you've made yourself the hero of the story instead of your donor. Fix that, and watch your response rates transform.