Tips for Managing Miscommunication with Emotional Detachment

Personal growth comes from a willingness to lean into discomfort. The question is, do we beat ourselves up or see it as an opportunity to learn and get better? We all know these scenarios well. An exchange with a team member leaves us feeling uneasy, a project with a client goes awry and requires a challenging conversation or a presentation doesn’t hit its mark; it’s natural and productive to feel the sting of discomfort. However, we have a choice - we can actively look at the situation through the lens of self-improvement or self-deprecation. Both can serve as a signal and achieve the same result - the drive and ambition to improve. However, the sources of motivation are fundamental opposites. The former is rooted in values and principles, while the latter originates from ego and fear. One cultivates growth; the other can be debilitating and counterproductive. From a very young age, I’ve used negative self-talk as motivational, which, admittedly, has played a role in getting to where I am today. However, I’ve learned I can achieve the same results by sitting with the discomfort until the lessons are apparent instead of beating myself up over mistakes. It’s a simple reframe from self-critical to self-inquisitive, but the nuance significantly differs in how it is processed, from anxiety to curiosity. One exercise I’ve found helpful is the STOP technique, a simple method borrowed from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It’s a straightforward way to reframe negative thoughts: 1️⃣ Stop - the moment it becomes apparent that self-critical thoughts are taking the lead, pause. Don’t allow the negative self-talk to spiral into an infinite loop. Building a habit around this awareness is a win in and of itself. 2️⃣ Take a step back - try to detach and separate emotions from the situation. Switch from here’s what I am feeling to here’s what I see. 3️⃣ Observe - Identify what you’re feeling and why. What about the situation presents an opportunity for improvement? Continue to ask why until you identify the root cause of the discomfort. 4️⃣ Proceed mindfully - replace self-criticism with objective reflection. Focus on the lessons learned so you’re better prepared for similar situations in the future. When caught in a negative loop, this cognitive reframe can help shift to an objective lens that embraces the discomfort of not showing up at our best without berating ourselves. The difference is subtle, but the impact on our mindset can be profound. Above all, remember, we are all works in progress, trying to figure it out. Learning, growing, and improving is a continuous and long-term journey. Strive to get better, but be kind to yourself in the process.

Would you like a technique to help keep your emotions and communications in check during meetings? In your minds eye, imagine yourself getting ready to present at an important event then your phone rings, you answer it, and you end up hearing some really bad news. What would you do to compose yourself? You’re on in 5 more minutes. That type of scenario is real, I’ve experienced it and so have a lot of other individuals. Bad news BEFORE a presentation is challenging enough, but what about something that triggers your emotions negatively DURING an important meeting, perhaps by a  colleague saying something upsetting or that makes you feel angry. What can you do to keep your emotions in check? First, remove the emotion and instead consider what's being said. Avoid taking it personally and clarify the meaning with a question. And an effective technique is to focus your mind on something in the room that is factual, e.g. look at the wall and silently tell yourself what color it is, or count the number of people in the room. This will reset your brain, giving you a chance to calm down while keeping your emotions, and more importantly, your REPUTATION intact. Whether you feel triggered in a sales call, performance review, interview, or team meeting you only need to “act cool” for a few moments before the feelings will pass. Use the "brain reset" technique and you get to keep your shining reputation! #communicationtraining #leadership #emotionalintelligence

Here’s how to practice detaching from the outcome. If you’re tempted to say what you know while someone else is talking, catch yourself. That tiny moment of awareness creates a gap. And in that gap, you can mute yourself. Listen and get curious. Listening means resisting the urge to give an answer or explain. It’s about curbing the instinct to fix or correct, what’s known as the righting reflex. But on its own, listening isn’t enough. Why? Because it doesn’t make the other person feel heard. Curiosity does. Curiosity is deliberate. It requires effort. It sounds like: “What makes you say that?” “Seems like you have a theory on why that is.” “That sounds frustrating.” “How so?” Labeling emotions or asking follow-ups shows you’re not just listening, you’re understanding. And when people feel understood, they open up. That’s how trust is built, one gap at a time. And trust is why people choose you.