How to Strengthen Team Bonds During Difficult Conversations

From a former Google Director on difficult conversations, negotiation, coaching and transparency. "Regarding hard conversations, I have one trick which I use over and over again. It's transparency and bringing people around to the same side of the table. For example, in the past, when I needed to have conversations with staff who were performing very poorly, I'd say: "So and so, it's not working out. We had this goal for you. You haven't hit the goal, and we've come to the end of the road." It's a terrible conversation. It's awful. But I got used to it. However, what I discovered is much more effective is to flip the conversation to something like the following: "Here's the problem that we're trying to solve as a group, and you know this. This is what the result has been. We're not getting there. What is your analysis of what's going on?" Usually, they start seeing things from your POV and the results are better in every respect, from the discomfort of the conversation to the results. Often employee will reflect on the issue and almost fire themselves. Or, if they shouldn't be fired, you may come out from the conversation like, "Huh, this person's actually really thoughtful. Had a great idea. We set this up poorly." "I think the same kind of approach works with so many things, i.e., just letting somebody else in on what you're grappling with. Then amazingly, there's limited conflict and they help solve your problem." "In each of these situations - conflict, management, hard lessons, leadership presence - they're all basically different UIs on top of the same underlying stack. That stack is built out of bringing the people into your planning and thinking process as transparently as possible."

Even as a seasoned executive, I still feel that knot in my stomach before a #tough_conversation. With a team member whose performance is slipping. A peer creating friction. Or a partner across the table when I have to deliver bad news. I’ve learned that avoiding it only erodes trust. A while back, I had to tell a long-time partner that a key project milestone would be missed due to an interconnection delay beyond our control. I knew it would land hard - it meant financial strain for both sides. I could’ve sent an email. Instead, I picked up the phone. I acknowledged their frustration, laid out the facts, and - most importantly - offered options for moving forward. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but it preserved the relationship because it became a negotiation, not just bad news. Here’s what works, whether you’re talking to a subordinate, a peer, or a counterparty: - Lead with context, not blame. Show why the conversation matters and connect it to the bigger picture. - Be specific—and bring options. Don’t just drop the problem. Share what’s at stake and what’s possible. - Invite dialogue, not just agreement. Pause. Ask, “How does this feel to you?” or “What’s the best way forward from your perspective?” Even after decades in leadership, I still feel a flicker of discomfort before these talks. But that discomfort is a signal - you’re about to build trust, not lose it. How do you handle the tough talks?

Early in my career, I needed to tell a senior executive that his behavior was harming morale. I 𝐀𝐆𝐎𝐍𝐈𝐙𝐄𝐃 over how to have this tough talk without endangering my job. There was no easy way around it. This was going to be 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐃. Ultimately, we sat down together in a neutral setting. I focused on my desire to see the team thrive. The executive, while surprised, appreciated my honesty. We had an open dialogue, and things improved. It was a growth moment for both of us. 𝐒𝐔𝐂𝐂𝐄𝐒𝐒! 𝘏𝘖𝘞'𝘋 𝘐 𝘋𝘖 𝘐𝘛? Here are three things that have always worked best for me: 1. 𝐁𝐞 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐜𝐮𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞, not the person. Make it about solving problems, not attacking character. 2. Listen first, then speak. 𝐒𝐞𝐞𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝 before asking to be understood. 3. 𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐨𝐧 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝. Align on shared goals and good intentions to prevent discord. Courageous conversations require emotional intelligence, empathy, and care. With the right mindset and approach, you can express yourself effectively while minimizing defensiveness in others. 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕'𝒔 𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒆𝒐𝒖𝒔 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒔𝒖𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒇𝒖𝒍? Share one tip below for constructively having necessary but tough talks. I look forward to learning from your experiences!

Just because I don’t agree with someone doesn’t mean I don’t want to foster a good relationship with them. But when differences of opinion are strong, when it’s hard to discuss a topic without stirring up friction, or when the topic is one that’s highly charged with emotion, how do we engage in authentic discussion without being sucked into a damaging disagreement?    As my good friend and colleague Dave Berke says, I try to “engage without engaging” by asking, “Tell me more about how you came to that view.”   This simple comment shows respect and shows that I’m listening. It builds the relationship by moving the conversation forward with an earnest interest in learning about the other person while at the same time shifting the focus off the point of the conversation that may just create conflict.   Rather than ending up in an argument, keep an open mind and focus on maintaining the relationship.   #conflictmanagement #leadershipmindset

Hard conversations don’t have to be quite so hard if you understand how to approach them — and what to say. Preparation is important. Before the #conversation, give thought to what you want for the relationship. I once had a boss I didn’t fancy all the much (haven’t we all!) When I stopped to consider what I wanted for the relationship, I realized we didn’t have to like each other—but it was important that we respect each other. With that in mind, I started the conversation with a statement of mutual respect and a curious mindset. If you are approaching someone about a behavior, you’d like them to stop, this wording might be helpful: “(Name) I really appreciate X about you. There is one thing I’m curious about though. I’ve noticed you often do Y. Help me understand how Y helps you do Z.” A statement like this mitigates defensiveness and gives insight into why the other person does what they do. You can then share how the behavior impacts you and move to brainstorming a solution. My boss and I never warmed up to each other. But I did get her to stop looking at her watch & rolling her eyes when I arrived at the office at 9:30 am each day implying I was late and lazy. She had never before realized that when she left the office at 3:00 pm, I was still there. And would be until 7:00 pm. Preparation = managing nerves = mutual respect = an easier ‘hard’ conversation. #toughconversations #crucialconversations #courageousconversations

After my post yesterday about the importance of assessing team dynamics, I had someone reach out and ask me what to do if, as a team member, you are having team dynamic issues with someone you have to work closely with. I am someone who LOVES harmony with the folks I work with. I actually crave it. However, I am also not afraid of conflict, as long as it is healthy. I think teams that operate in pure harmony are, at times, avoiding the difficult stuff. So my advice to folks who are experiencing team dynamic issues is: 1. Determine if the issues are a result of healthy friction or if there's something more underlying. 2. If it is between you and one person, rip off that band-aid and have that uncomfortable conversation. It can go something like this: "I've noticed during this conversation, it felt like there may be friction between you and me (give specific example). Our relationship is very important to me, so I was wondering if there's something I can do differently in my communication approach." Or something like that.... but whatever you do, don't avoid having the conversation. 3. If you do not feel comfortable having that conversation, consider speaking with your manager or a trusted partner to get advice on how to approach it. It is essential to remember that there are always two perspectives to consider: yours and the other person's (and likely more if these dynamics are playing out publicly). Years ago, I was given this phrase by my executive coach: "approach conflict with curiosity". If you enter a conversation thinking you're right, you'll likely end that conversation still divided and possibly with more conflict than you started with. Our reminder for today: approach conflict with curiosity...and don't let team dynamic issues linger. The quicker you tackle them, the stronger you'll be for it.  What else would you add? 

Many organizations don’t create a space where we can talk openly and candidly when we feel unfulfilled or demotivated in our work.⁣ ⁣ It’s bad for the person—who now has to keep that feeling inside, who continues to feel disengaged, and who might even interview for other positions without being upfront about that. And it’s bad for the organization—who now isn’t tapping into this person’s true motivation and getting their best work, and who might also lose a valuable member of the team as a result.⁣ ⁣ In my company, we decided to do the opposite. We talk about growth openly. ⁣ ⁣ In this speech, I share the example of Rachel, who has been working with me for nearly 13 years. In 13 years, Rachel and I have had several tough and beautiful conversations about her role. Rachel has had the courage to be honest with me when her spark is dimming, and I have come in with the mindset that we can evolve her role and figure it out together. None of it happened overnight, but after evolving her role several times, Rachel would tell you that today she’s in her sweet spot and has never been happier. ⁣ ⁣ But none of that would have happened if we didn’t talk about it. ⁣ ⁣ Today, we have growth check-ins. At least once a year, I ask each person on my team what needs to stay the same and what needs to change in order for them to be happy and fulfilled. And outside of that, we commit to courageous communication. When someone isn’t fulfilled, we talk about it. Can we evolve the role? Or maybe it’s time for this person to move on? Either way, it’s success, and we can support one another throughout the process. I once got a 365 day resignation because of our culture of transparency. A whole year to prep—what a gift for both. ⁣ ⁣ The more safety we create in our organizations for people to be human, the more we take care of our people and the more they will take care of our organizations. ⁣ ⁣ I really do think it’s that simple 🧡

You do it. I’ve done it.  We need to stop. Last year, I was doing some self-reflection. I wanted to improve my conversations. The answer came, "Stop being defensive." Wait, what? I did not feel like I was? I looked a bit closer and started to see opportunity to change and get better. You’ve seen the sign but ignore it. Warning: “Do Not Escalate” Why do your conversations sometimes go sidewise? Let's talk about the art of staying grounded. Why does the choice not to be defensive matter? I’m not talking about the stomp-your-foot talk or the angry and strong response talk. → I’m talking about the subtle defensiveness we all do.  It can often start with an innocent response. You share an idea, a thought, a help, and it lands wrong.  → We want to straighten it out.  → Correct them, if you will.  Watch out for that. Maybe, don’t do that.  Here's what you don't need: 1. Communication that unnecessarily escalates conflicts. 2. A mindset that blocks understanding and empathy. 3. An attitude that damages relationships over time. Three Stop Signs You Should Heed: 1. Stop defending every stance you hold.  2. Stop letting defensiveness hinder your communication.  3. Stop allowing defensiveness to strain your relationships.  Choosing not to defend every stance will transform conflicts into conversations. → It's about picking your battles wisely. Want to let go of being defensive? Here's what you do need: 1. Openness to listen without immediate judgment. 2. Patience to let the moment pass and respond when the time is right. 3. Courage to address misunderstandings with clarity, perhaps later. Embrace the Power of Pause: → Give space for dialogue to flourish. → Allow empathy to bridge gaps. Benefits Await: → Discover a new level of dialogue that fosters understanding. → Build stronger, more resilient personal and professional bonds. → Encourage an environment where growth and learning are nurtured. Three Action Steps to Non-Defensive Communication: Practice active listening. → Hear the message, not just the words. 2. Reflect before you react. → Is this a moment for silence or speech? 3. Choose clarity over confrontation. → Seek to understand, then to be understood. How do you keep yourself from being defensive? Like this content? Ring the 🔔 to Follow ♻️ Repost to share