How to Handle Difficult Conversations as an HRBP

Your brain is wired to avoid conflict at all costs. Avoiding hard conversations doesn’t eliminate problems-it multiplies them. I’ve worked with countless first-time managers, VPs, and even senior executives who freeze when it’s time to: - Give tough feedback - Address poor performance - Set firm boundaries - Have that uncomfortable talk with an underperforming team member Why does this happen? Because biologically, your brain still thinks conflict = danger.  When faced with confrontation, your amygdala (the fear center of your brain) hijacks your response system. - Heart rate spikes. - Hands get clammy. - Your brain perceives the conversation as a threat, triggering fight, flight, or freeze.  This is why so many leaders either: - Overreact (aggressive, defensive, emotional outbursts) - Shut down (avoid the issue, sugarcoat, delay tough calls) The result? - Performance issues linger. - Low accountability erodes culture. - Leaders lose credibility. The best organizations-the ones that scale, retain top talent, and build elite teams-don’t just train leaders on strategy. They train them on emotional regulation and communication.  How Elite Leaders Stay Calm & In Control During Tough Talks  1. Hack Your Nervous System with Tactical Breathing Your breath controls your physiology. Try box breathing (4-4-4-4): Inhale 4 sec → Hold 4 sec → Exhale 4 sec → Hold 4 sec. Navy SEALs use this under combat stress—it works in boardrooms too.  2. Reframe the Conversation in Your Mind Instead of “This is going to be a brutal conversation,” say “This is an opportunity to align expectations and help someone grow.” Shift from confrontation → collaboration.  3. Use Nonverbal Cues to De-Escalate Lower your tone. Slow down your speech. Maintain open body language. People mirror your energy—if you stay calm, they will too.  4. Replace “Softening” Phrases with Direct, Clear Statements - “I feel like maybe there’s a small issue with your performance…” ✅ “Here’s what I’ve observed, and here’s what needs to change.” Clarity is kindness. Sugarcoating only confuses people.  Why This Matters for Companies Investing in Leadership Training - 85% of employees say poor leadership communication causes workplace stress. (Forbes) - 69% of managers say they’re uncomfortable communicating with employees. (HBR) - Companies with emotionally intelligent leadership see 34% higher retention rates. (Case Study Group at Cornell) If your company isn’t training leaders on handling tough conversations, you’re losing talent, productivity, and trust. Want to build a leadership culture where tough conversations drive growth instead of fear? Let’s talk. #LeadershipTraining #ExecutiveCoaching #CommunicationSkills #LeadershipDevelopment #CultureOfAccountability #EmotionalIntelligence #HighPerformanceTeams

One of the toughest tests of your leadership isn't how you handle success. It's how you navigate disagreement. I noticed this in the SEAL Teams and in my work with executives: Those who master difficult conversations outperform their peers not just in team satisfaction, but in decision quality and innovation. The problem? Most of us enter difficult conversations with our nervous system already in a threat state. Our brain literally can't access its best thinking when flooded with stress hormones. Through years of working with high-performing teams, I've developed what I call The Mindful Disagreement Framework. Here's how it works: 1. Pause Before Engaging (10 seconds) When triggered by disagreement, take a deliberate breath. This small reset activates your prefrontal cortex instead of your reactive limbic system. Your brain physically needs this transition to think clearly. 2. Set Psychological Safety (30 seconds) Start with: "I appreciate your perspective and want to understand it better. I also have some different thoughts to share." This simple opener signals respect while creating space for different viewpoints. 3. Lead with Curiosity, Not Certainty (2 minutes) Ask at least three questions before stating your position. This practice significantly increases the quality of solutions because it broadens your understanding before narrowing toward decisions. 4. Name the Shared Purpose (1 minute) "We both want [shared goal]. We're just seeing different paths to get there." This reminds everyone you're on the same team, even with different perspectives. 5. Separate Impact from Intent (30 seconds) "When X happened, I felt Y, because Z. I know that wasn't your intention." This formula transforms accusations into observations. Last month, I used this exact framework in a disagreement. The conversation that could have damaged our relationship instead strengthened it. Not because we ended up agreeing, but because we disagreed respectfully. (It may or may not have been with my kid!) The most valuable disagreements often feel uncomfortable. The goal isn't comfort. It's growth. What difficult conversation are you avoiding right now? Try this framework tomorrow and watch what happens to your leadership influence. ___ Follow me, Jon Macaskill for more leadership focused content. And feel free to repost if someone in your life needs to hear this. 📩 Subscribe to my newsletter here → https://lnkd.in/g9ZFxDJG You'll get FREE access to my 21-Day Mindfulness & Meditation Course packed with real, actionable strategies to lead with clarity, resilience, and purpose.

Confronting an underperforming employee is never easy. Here’s my guide to make sure it doesn’t go off the rails. Schedule a one-on-one meeting with the employee. Send the invite at least one day in advance via email, using a generic title like “Discussion”. Write detailed notes on what you plan to cover in the meeting. Meeting tone: Once the meeting starts, avoid small talk and get down to the matter at hand immediately. Maintain a positive and constructive attitude.  Focus on the facts, the impact, and the solutions. Do not focus on the personalities, the emotions, or point fingers. The beats of the meeting: Open by stating that this is going to be a difficult conversation about their performance issues. Make it clear that the goal of this meeting is to find a way for them to improve. This sets the tone. Next, describe the circumstances that have made this discussion necessary. Be specific about actions, dates and times, and tell them what the impact of their underperformance has been on the business and other co-workers. If applicable, tell them exactly where they’ve violated your policies. Get the employee’s perspective: Do they feel they have the necessary time, support, and resources to perform their job? Has anything changed in the business that has an impact on the employee’s performance? Has anything changed outside of the business, like a personal issue or health problem? Be clear about your expectations: Be specific, e.g. “Your job starts at 8 a.m. from Monday through Friday. You should be at your desk and available to answer client calls by that time every business day.” Together with the employee, make a detailed action plan you both understand and agree on. Set specific steps, deadlines, and targets. Include what you will do to support them. You should both sign and date the document. Schedule several followup meetings to check in on their progress. Once you’re done, update your meeting notes to include everything you discussed. Follow up: Send a recap of the meeting and your agreed upon action plan to the employee immediately after the meeting. If you have any to-do items on your side, get through them ASAP. You want them feeling the urgency of the situation. From there, things will go in one of two directions: Hopefully, the situation will improve. If it does, give that employee recognition. Refer specifically to what they’ve accomplished. Sometimes, things don’t get better. At that point, it’s time to move towards parting ways. — I hope this helps. Thoughts on this process? Comment below!

You might not want performance conversations to be personal, but trust me, they are very personal to your employees. Their livelihood is at stake. Their capability is in question. The consequences are incredibly high. My job is to stay calm and bring structure to it. Otherwise, it can become a tangled mess. Ideally, I’ve set clear expectations upfront. And they’ve been getting feedback from me at a regular clip. But sometimes, we must step back and ask, “Where are we?” Here's how I structure those conversations: 📌 My first question: "Do they see it?" Do they appreciate what’s needed to meet or beat expectations? Do they understand how and why they’re coming up short? If "No," you need to get them there. How? Asking them to self-assess can give me useful intel. You can also finesse this by getting others to provide feedback. Different words can often break through. If they do see it... 📌 "Do they want to fix it?" If the answer is "No," the path becomes painfully obvious. You can’t have people in the role that don’t want to meet it. And people willingly leaving their role is easiest. How? Finesse it by previewing the severance or exit package. Identify roles they might thrive in. Chances are they're frustrated, too. Or if they’re a great fit in the wrong role, you can discuss a trial elsewhere in the org. Finally, if they see it and want to fix it... 📌 “Do they know how?” If not, this is a great place to coach. Use questions to guide them in the direction you need. If they write the map, they tend to follow it. If they know how and are not improving, there are two possibilities: -> They’re not making the change. -> They’re making it, and it’s not helping. In either case, the fair choice for your team and for them is likely an exit. These conversations are always challenging. But they're nearly impossible when we don't have a plan. You can have conversations, or you can lead them. In moments of high emotion, clear is kind. If you found this post helpful: - Please repost ♻️ to help other leaders - Follow Dave Kline 🔔 for more posts like it - Subscribe to my MGMT Playbook 📕 (in bio) Join 30K leaders and get access to 75 practical playbooks + working templates for every challenging management moment.

Most of our interactions—especially the difficult ones—are negotiations in disguise. In their book Beyond Reason, Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro highlight how success in these conversations often comes down to addressing core concerns—deep, often unspoken emotional needs that shape how people engage. These concerns are: Appreciation, Affiliation, Autonomy, Status, and Role. Ignore them, and you’ll likely face resistance, disengagement, or frustration. Acknowledge and address them, and you create the conditions for stronger relationships, better problem-solving, and more win-win outcomes. I’ve learned this the hard way. Appreciation A senior leader I worked with was frustrated by pushback from his team. The problem? He was so focused on driving results that he rarely acknowledged their efforts. Once he started genuinely listening and recognizing their contributions, engagement skyrocketed. The team felt heard, and collaboration improved instantly. Affiliation A new CEO walked into a fractured leadership team—siloed, political, and mistrusting. Instead of pushing quick solutions, she focused on rebuilding connections, creating shared experiences, and reinforcing that they were one team. The shift in culture transformed their ability to work together. Autonomy A department head was drowning in tactical decisions because his team constantly sought approval. By clearly defining goals, setting guardrails, and empowering them to make decisions, he freed up his time and saw his team step up with more confidence and accountability. Status A high-potential leader felt overlooked and disengaged. His boss didn’t give him a raise or a new title but started including him in key strategic meetings. That simple shift in visibility changed everything—he became more invested, more proactive, and took on bigger challenges. Role A VP was struggling, not because of a lack of skill, but because she was in the wrong seat. When her boss recognized this and shifted her to a role better suited to her strengths, she thrived. Sometimes, people don’t need a promotion—they need the right role. Before a tough conversation or leadership decision, check in: - Am I recognizing their efforts? - Making them feel included? - Giving them autonomy? - Acknowledging their status? - Ensuring their role fits? Addressing core concerns isn’t about being nice—it’s about unlocking the best in people. When we do, we create better conversations, stronger teams, and real momentum. #Conversations #Negotiations #CoreConcerns #Interactions #HumanBehavior #Learning #Leadership #Disagreements

I can still feel that dread in my body. The kind I used to get before having any kind of “difficult” conversation at work. Giving less than stellar feedback. Delivering bad news. Asking for help with my workload. Telling someone I couldn’t take another project on. I still feel it sometimes - because I’m human. But what if I told you it was possible for those kinds of conversations to feel easier? I’ve been talking about how to make that happen this week. Yesterday, we talked mindset when it comes to difficult conversations. Today, it’s strategy time. Combine these with the mindset shifts covered yesterday: 💡Plan Without Overplanning. Have a plan but do not overly prepare or overly script because that can work against you. (1) If things go off script or something you didn’t plan for happens, you may panic or get overwhelmed! It’s hard to show up how you want when feeling strong emotions. (2) If you’re fixated on thinking about your script and what you’re going to say next, you’re not going to hear what the other person is saying. Outline the points you want to make, but leave it at that. 💡Engage in Active Listening. Listen to understand, not to respond. Ask lots of questions. Don’t interrupt. Don’t judge or jump to conclusions. Channel your empathy to understand how the other person might be thinking and feeling. The better you are at active listening, the better you are going to show up, and the more likely you are to get a better response from your counterpart in the conversation. 💡Plan for Next Steps. Think about what you want to happen after the conversation--keeping in mind that you may need to adjust in real time. What makes sense to move the conversation forward? What are the likely next steps? Be prepared to propose the next steps or a solution where possible, or ask for input on a solution and brainstorm together. What was the last difficult conversation you had (or maybe avoided having) in the workplace? Any other strategies you’d add to the list? What mindset shift do you want to make for your next difficult conversation? 

Let's face it: Too many managers have a habit of putting their foot in their mouth. Things like promising an employee they can "take as much time as you need" to deal with a mental health issue or deciding on their own how to respond to an accommodation request. And to be honest, as an HR professional, it can be pretty darn frustrating. After all, we're the ones who are then forced to drop what we're doing and run damage control. Oftentimes coming across as the "bad guy" in the process and unintentionally furthering a divisive "us vs them" mentality between managers and HR. But here's the thing: I genuinely don't believe managers are intentionally trying to make our lives harder. And I don't think they're brazenly breaking the rules because they feel like going rogue either. They're doing it because we haven't equipped them with the right tools to follow best practices in a human and easy to follow way. Take, for example, training a manager on how to respond to a reasonable accommodation request. You _could_ try and scare them into ending the conversation immediately by telling them they're putting the company at risk by engaging in any discussion about the topic and should instead immediately redirect to HR. OR You could recognize that this is an unrealistic interaction to expect a manager to follow through on — I mean, who of us here has ever responded to a direct report getting vulnerable with a hasty, "Woah. Please stop talking. You're putting the company at risk by sharing this with me. Go talk to someone else." — and instead provide them with a human-centered script with key phrases for them to lean on the next time a tough conversation comes up. Something like: "Thank you so much for trusting me with this information. I really appreciate you being so vulnerable with me. I care about your wellbeing, and I want to make sure I get you connected with the right resources so that we help you however we can. I'm going to connect you with our HR team so they can walk you through all your options and make sure we're doing all the right things on our end to set you up for success." I'm not saying you should force your managers to stick to this script exactly. But at least now they'll have key phrases to lean on as they formulate their version of what feels like a more human response, and they'll have greater confidence in your understanding of the very real and human challenges they have to grapple with as a manager. Want more scripts and tips for guiding tricky manager conversations? Check out a few of my favorite resources below: - Termination script: https://lnkd.in/eJFPNCFg - Reasonable accommodation script: https://lnkd.in/eVtydafj What other scripts would be helpful for managers to have? Any key speaking points you've found helpful in sharing with managers?

Please, for the love of your reputation, stop saying this at the beginning of difficult conversations. I mean it! Promise me you will never again say: “Can I give you some feedback?” or any of it's cousins, like, "Can I offer some coaching?" @DavidRock, the father of #Neuroleadership, likens that phrase to ‘hearing footsteps behind you in a dark alley.’ 😱 When you say it, you instantly put their brain into a ‘threat’ state. (If you enjoy putting people into a threat state, you have a bigger problem!) Depending on their personality, their next move will be fight, flee, or freeze. You’ve doomed the conversation before they spoke a word.💣 You've backed them into a corner. You’ve given them two choices: 1. Say, “No, thank you.” (With a dose of passive-aggressive snarky energy), or 2. Sit silently as you describe something you disapprove of...😡 With one sentence, you've just told your conversation partner that you are not a safe person to talk with. If you’ve been taught to start feedback conversations this way, I’m not surprised. Much of what we were taught pre-dates the integration of brain science and influence. I ONLY teach techniques that help you do two things every time: • Feel calm & curious before any ‘difficult’ conversation • Speak and respond in a way that maintains or improves your relationship and reputation Here is one brain-safe way to start a corrective feedback conversation with ANYONE: “Hi, I’d love to connect about that meeting this morning with the development team. We probably need just 15 mins or so. What time works best for you today?” Then you prepare. Between now and that conversation, you fill out a short 5-step template to help you organize your thoughts, so you can say all you need to say in less than 45 seconds, then turn it over to them. Writing down your thoughts ahead of time helps you avoid trigger words and closed-ended questions… or anything else that could sabotage the conversation and sour your relationships. The best teams are led by leaders who create #PsychologicalSafety. What’s your biggest fear or pet peeve about giving or receiving corrective feedback? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm a certified Executive Coach who transforms brilliant but overwhelmed ‘Worker-Bees’ into influential ‘Queen-Bees’ who earn more, work less, and finally enjoy success and ease in all parts of their lives. Find my featured section for: • A free Influence the Boss eBook • Client success stories • Link to a free masterclass for female leaders who want to work & stress less and more 💰 If you’re tired of doing your best, but having it backfire on you, and are ready to unf*ck your career now, book a call to see if my program can help you: https://calendly(dot)com/denisegreen/book

I used to get sick before difficult HR conversations. Whether it’s a termination, PIPs, or RIFs, tough conversations come with the territory. And no matter how experienced you are, they’re never easy. But here’s the good news—you can master these moments. Here are 3 simple strategies that will help: ✅ 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘀, 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 • It’s easy for emotions to hijack tough conversations. • Leading with facts keeps the discussion productive. • Be clear about the problem. • Stick to outcomes, deadlines, or budget concerns. • Leave feelings out, and you’ll stay on track. • ✅ 𝗔𝘀𝗸 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗷𝘂𝗺𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 • Ask how 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 view the situation before offering a solution. • You might hear something that changes things. • It shows you're interested in their perspective. ✅ 𝗛𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗻 𝗲𝘅𝗶𝘁 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗻 • Sometimes, these conversations go off the rails. • When emotions rise, it's okay to suggest a short break. • Saying, "Let's take 5 mins. to regroup," can help reset. • A breather often leads to more productive outcomes. Tough talks are hard, but they don’t have to be overwhelming. When done right, they can lead to positive outcomes for both parties. Now it’s your turn to walk in with confidence. The next time you’re facing a tough conversation, remember these tips—they might be your secret weapon to turning a tough moment into a breakthrough. 👉 Know someone who could use this advice? Share this post with your HR network and help them master their own tough talks! ♻️ I appreciate 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 repost. #Adamshr #Hrprofessionals #humanresources #HR Stephanie Adams, SPHR