How to Communicate Confidently Without Over-Apologizing

Sometime in my early 30's I got sick and tired of apologizing. Here's a few easy reframes that have totally transformed the way I work. I'm a strong believer on the language we use actually shapes our experiences and reality. See research by Dr. Wayne Dyer, Don Miguel Ruiz, Martin Seligman, and many others for a deeper dive. In the case of repeated apologies, this means a continuous loop of low-confidence not to mention just plain old repetitive language. Instead, flip the script and "say who you want to be". *POWERFUL REFRAMES* 1. Sorry for rescheduling → Thanks so much for being flexible! 2. Sorry, I don’t get it → Tell me a a bit more, I'd like to dive deeper. 3. Sorry for being late → Thanks for your patience. 4. Sorry for bothering you → Thanks for making time for me. 5. Sorry for making you listen to this → Thanks for listening. 6. Sorry for jumping in → Building off of that.. 7. Sorry for the mistake → Sharp, eye - thanks for catching that! 8. Sorry, does that make sense? → I’m happy to answer any questions! *WHY THIS WORKS* Gratitude ("thanks") is a powerful tool that completely resets the expectation in a conversation; it shows both self and mutual respect. The same goes for simple language such as 'Tell me a bit more'. It shows you're engaged, listening deeply and bought into their process. No need to be sorry for engaging! Keep this list handy for the next time you hear yourself apologizing and of course feel free to make the words your own. Can't wait to hear how it goes!

I've put to use a learning from behavior therapy that helps make me a better communicator and more effective leader at Microsoft. During COVID-19, a family member experienced a mental health crisis. Their treatment plan included our family's participation in a 6-month intensive skills training course on Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT was developed to treat people with borderline personality disorder and is now used to treat other mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. I've discovered the course's tools to develop mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance are life skills. A DBT skill to improve interpersonal effectiveness and build self-respect is "No Apologies." This doesn't mean never say sorry, but we don't need to over apologize for being alive, making a request, having an opinion, or disagreeing. I have shared this concept with team members and friends as a way to begin feeling or thinking differently about themselves in their interactions with others. Rather than, "I’m sorry for being late," someone maintains self-respect by saying, "Thank you for waiting." Here is an insightful article on this topic from Harvard Business Review. #HBR #DBT #Leadership https://lnkd.in/e4GBKXbq

In a recent team meeting, I realized I referred to my colleagues as "you guys" at least 10 times. It bothered me because 80% of my BD team are not "guys". They're badass saleswomen. This got me thinking about other unintentional phrases we use that either dilute or don't accurately reflect what we want to say. Here are a few common ones and suggested replacements: 1️⃣ Instead of saying "Sorry about that," try "Thanks for catching that!" This change of tone shifts the focus from negative to positive. 2️⃣ Instead of asking "Does that make sense?" try "What questions do you have?" This explicitly asks if further clarification is required, rather than assuming you haven't been clear. 3️⃣ Instead of saying "I just wanted to see if you ___?" try "Do you ___?" It's more direct and doesn't dilute whatever you're about to say next. 4️⃣ Instead of saying "Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if we ___?" try "I know you're busy. When you have a free moment, can we ___?" This acknowledges their time and provides a clear ask. It can be challenging to unlearn these phrases, but it's worth the effort. The words we choose are powerful, and even the subtlest of tweaks can have a big impact. #CoachedbyCouch #WordsMatter #MindfulCommunication