Dealing with tone policing as a female leader

Recently, I responded kindly to a post that lacked nuance in discussing autism as a superpower. As an autistic Black person, I shared my perspective and expertise thoughtfully. 100’s, mostly white individuals, also engaged with the post, offering critiques. Despite being one of many who provided feedback, my response was hyper-focused on by a white woman who found my tone unacceptable. She chose to criticize me while overlooking others’ comments and the fact that the poster had accepted feedback—simply because I wasn’t “soft enough” in her eyes. She claimed her dyslexia and work with marginalized groups justified her critique of my tone. Here’s the thing: I’ve written a book on white feminism and the tactics used to undermine and silence Black women. I’ve survived these in corporate environments and seen their minions at work, so I’m the least likely candidate to fall for these devices. This is tone policing—where the focus shifts from what is said to how it’s said, especially from a marginalized voice. Despite offering a respectful critique, my tone became the issue. Why? Because when a Black woman speaks up, her words are often seen as confrontational, even when delivered with care. We know autism often makes me more literal in communication, but how does that intersect with my Blackness and womanhood? How are YOU perceiving me—and is that perception YOUR responsibility or mine? What followed is a dynamic I’ve seen countless times: others—Asian woman, white woman, white man, and even a Black man—rushed to defend her. They framed her as a victim, even though my response was calm and thoughtful. This reflects a power structure seen in workplaces—Black women are expected to be soft, while others are protected when they react emotionally or defensively. 🫠Neurodivergence and Bias: The woman critiquing me has dyslexia, and while neurodivergence deserves understanding, it doesn’t exempt anyone from biases. It’s important to recognize when more time might be needed to process someone’s words. As someone with dyscalculia, I understand processing differences. But it was clear she hadn’t fully absorbed my argument, likely due to the intersection of her dyslexia and unconscious bias. Instead of reflecting on my words, she reacted emotionally, focusing on how she felt rather than the substance of my critique. 🤝🏾Lessons: 1. Who We Support: Are we defending those in privileged positions at the expense of marginalized voices? 2. Bias in Engagement: Why are certain voices (like Black women’s) scrutinized for tone, while others aren’t? 3. Neurodivergence and Privilege: Neurodivergence doesn’t shield us from bias. We must reflect on how it intersects with privilege in our engagements. 🌍Conclusion: Tone policing and centering privilege over marginalized voices isn’t just an online issue—it happens in workplaces too. We need to stop focusing on tone & start listening to the substance if we are serious about creating inclusive spaces. #neurodivergence

 “𝙄𝙛 𝙄’𝙢 𝙖𝙢𝙗𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙪𝙨, 𝙄’𝙢 𝙗𝙤𝙨𝙨𝙮—𝙞𝙛 𝙄’𝙢 𝙣𝙤𝙩, 𝙄’𝙢 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙥 𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙡” This is the Ambition Penalty: traits praised in men (“visionary,” “decisive”) are labeled “bossy” or “temperamental” in women. As a DEIB expert, woman founder and coach who’s been there, I’ve seen how this bias erodes women’s leadership. Here’s what you need to know—and what we can do:  👀  𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗔𝗺𝗯𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗣𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗹𝘁𝘆? Ambitious women are judged on their results, not potential.  A man pitching the same vision is “driven”; a woman is “intense.”  This fear of backlash makes women hesitate to share big goals.  💥 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗲𝘀 𝗙𝗮𝗰𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝘆 𝗪𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻 𝗙𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀 & 𝗟𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗦𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗖𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗼𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽: Reluctance to voice bold ideas.  𝗗𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗱 𝗩𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆: Negative labels undercut credibility.  𝗦𝘁𝗶𝗳𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝗟𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽: Afraid to pursue larger opportunities.  𝗜𝘀𝗼𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Fear of judgment creates loneliness. ⏳ 𝗡𝗲𝗴𝗮𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝗦𝗹𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗚𝗿𝗼𝘄𝘁𝗵: Smaller funding rounds, stalled partnerships.  𝗟𝗶𝗺𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗔𝗰𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀: Investors and advisors unconsciously favor men.  𝗟𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲: “Tone policing” chips away at self-belief.  𝗕𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗼𝘂𝘁: Balancing “assertive enough” without backlash is exhausting.    💪  𝟳 𝗦𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗨𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗙𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀 1️⃣ 𝗡𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗕𝗶𝗮𝘀: Reframe “bossy” as “I’m leading.” Awareness diffuses power 2️⃣ 𝗢𝘄𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗩𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 -𝗟𝗼𝘂𝗱𝗹𝘆: Pitch big ideas with conviction; separate bias from feedback 3️⃣ 𝗕𝘂𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗧𝗼𝗼𝗹𝗸𝗶𝘁: Document every win—big or small—as evidence of success 4️⃣ 𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗣𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗖𝗶𝗿𝗰𝗹𝗲𝘀: Build a community of mentors and peers who celebrate your ambition 5️⃣ 𝗟𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Marry ambition with inclusion—e.g., “I believe we can scale to X because of Y data; what are your thoughts?”  6️⃣ 𝗦𝗲𝘁 𝗕𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗼𝗻 "𝗧𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗣𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗴": When delivery is criticized, refocus on outcomes: “Let’s discuss the idea’s merits”  7️⃣ 𝗜𝗻𝘃𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗪𝗲𝗹𝗹-𝗕𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴: Schedule non-negotiable rest and creative downtime to sustain clarity & energy   ✨ You deserve to claim your ambition without apology   🗣 𝙀𝙭𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝘼𝙢𝙗𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙋𝙚𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙩𝙮? Share how you navigated it below 🤝 𝙇𝙤𝙤𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙨𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩?As a former founder and DEIB expert, I help underrepresented entrepreneurs lead confidently and avoid burnout—reach out to learn more ♻️ Repost to help others in your network 📌 Follow me for more on Productivity, Anti-Burnout, and Inclusive Entrepreneurship #WomenFounders #LeadershipBias #AmbitionPenalty #DEIB #InclusiveLeadership #StartupCulture #WomenInBusiness #BreakTheBias #FemaleLeadership 

So the 'Never Go to a Second Location' framework went viral. Over the past few days, I’ve heard from so many people (especially women) who finally had words for what they’ve been experiencing for years: gaslighting, tone-policing, and coercion. 👋🏽 A big welcome to the new followers. I’m Amal Masri, the CEO of Fix The Broken Rung, a leadership accelerator for women. Through our programs—Jump the Rung (for mid-career leaders) and Next Rung (for executives)—we’ve worked with hundreds of women navigating power dynamics at every level. And the stories in the comments and my DMs echo what we see daily: the higher women climb, the more they get undermined and sidelined. Here are some common “second locations” that are familiar to senior-level women:  1️⃣ The Good Cop → “I totally understood where you were coming from, but others found it uncomfortable.” (Translation: They’re making you self-censor—without taking responsibility for the critique.) 2️⃣ Concern Trolling → “As someone who wants you to succeed, maybe consider taking a softer approach in meetings.” (Translation: Fake support designed to make you second-guess yourself.) 3️⃣ DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) → "You're saying I took over your presentation? That's absurd, I was only trying to help. Now I feel like I have to walk on eggshells whenever we work together." (Translation: You’re now the bad guy for calling out a real problem.)  4️⃣ Moving the Goalposts → “Let’s have you prove yourself one more time before we decide.” (Translation: The finish line keeps moving so you can never ‘arrive.’) The impact of these tactics runs deeper than just a frustrating conversation. When someone consistently makes you doubt your perceptions and instincts, it erodes your confidence in decision-making and your sense of self. What starts as workplace manipulation can seep into every aspect of how you view yourself and your capabilities. This is why recognizing and countering these tactics is about more than career advancement. It's about reclaiming a basic human right: the power to trust your own experience. Because many of you have reached out asking for help on how to manage these situations, I'm hosting two free webinars to dive deeper and share some of the approaches we teach at Fix The Broken Rung: Part 1: Never Go to a Second Location—The Executive Playbook for Shutting Down Gaslighting & Holding Your Ground 📅 Wed, February 26th @ 1pm ET Part 2: Build an Unshakeable Foundation—How to Proactively Set the Stage, Control the Narrative & Lead on Your Terms 📅 Thurs, March 6th @ 1pm ET ➡ If you attend, you’ll get an exclusive preview of how we approach leadership inside both of our programs—Next Rung (for executives) and Jump the Rung (for mid-career leaders). p.s. Applications for Next Rung close on March 17th. 👇🏽👇🏽 All links in comments