The Impact of Apologizing Thoughtfully

Your face feels hot and turns red. A stabbing pain appears in your stomach. You made a communication mistake. Your information didn’t land - and may have offended your listener! Your mind is racing trying to figure out how to fix it. What do you do? Slow down, take a breath and plan your “Repair Conversation.” The first step: recognize that we all make mistakes. Growth occurs when we acknowledge our errrors and are willing to learn from them. Next, focus on your overarching goal and the importance of the relationship with your listener. Now it’s time to apologize. Acknowledge the situation and what you did wrong. It’s important to get it right. Here’s what NOT to say: “I’m sorry I didn’t step in when people were interrupting you, but I think that’s part of our lively culture.” Excuses and justifications don’t belong in an apology. Hint: if your apology includes the word, “but” it’s likely not going to repair the relationship! Instead, share an apology with the promise of improved future behavior. Get specific and commit to investing and growing the relationship. Here’s a better example: “I’m sorry I didn’t step in when people were interrupting you. I’ve always valued a debate culture, but I now realize that comes at a cost. In this case, it prevented you from sharing all your ideas. In the future, I will set the tone by asking the room to hold their questions and thoughts until the speaker has finished their presentation. I value our relationship and am open to other thoughts you have about how to make our meetings valuable for everyone.” #communicationscoach #corporatelife

We often get angry when someone gives us feedback that we don't want to hear. It has been said that "truth hurts". Actually, only when we are resistant to hearing it. When we allow ourselves to acknowledge the validity of the message, we can use it to empower change. Perhaps the sting comes when we must let go of an image of ourselves as being flawless. Our inability to take ownership of the impact of our actions and the defensiveness that follows is a primary cause of the relational corrosiveness we experience. When we understand that we all have shadows that create blind spots, we forgive ourselves for being human. It is simply an opportunity to recognize that we have work we must do on ourselves. Many years ago I heard myself saying, "I can no longer deceive myself as sincerely as I once did that my fingerprints are not all over the conflicts of my life". It was a profound shift into becoming aligned with truth and getting traction on healing. For many, the fear of letting in difficult feedback lives in the roots of childhood. We may have been angrily criticized for making mistakes. These moments of loss of love have left wounds that are reawakened when others are upset with us. Defending ourselves becomes a necessary protection of our worth. Others struggle with a fragile ego that cannot tolerate looking into such mirrors. When we come to our blind spots with a willingness to polish the truth, we let go of the need to avoid it. Taking responsibility is a super power that brings us freedom from the entanglements of denial. Offering a heartfelt apology is the balm of love that moves relationships past hurt. We are not diminished when acknowledging truth. There is a strengthening of our courage and the willingness to grow. When we name and claim a moment of our insensitivity, we bring light to our hearts and those of others. We may not agree with the intentions that someone is projecting on to us. However, we can simply say "While I didn't mean to hurt you, I see that I did. I hope you will accept my apology". #defensiveness #relationships #feedback #accountability

Apologizing is a complex and nuanced skill that goes far beyond just saying "I'm sorry." It consists of personal strength, active listening, and emotional intelligence. And it is an important skill for every leader to acquire. If you want to maintain trust and credibility, working on your excuses might be the way to go. Not only you will show that you have enough personal strength to cope with a challenging unpleasantness of the situation, but as well you will model accountability for the whole team. Leaders who apologize set an example for their team members. No one is flawless. Taking responsibility for your actions is an essential part of leadership. The more you will show the skill in that area, the more you will foster the culture of accountability, where people take ownership for their mistakes and are more likely to learn from them. The Gottman Institute teaches a simple formula for saying sorry: OWN, REPAIR, IMPROVE Let's apply it to a leadership example: Own: "I recognize that I failed to communicate the project deadline clearly to the team." Repair: "I'm sorry for any confusion this caused and for the additional stress it may have placed on the team." Improve: "Moving forward, I will ensure that project deadlines are communicated clearly and well in advance, and I'll make an effort to provide all the necessary resources and support to help the team meet those deadlines effectively." How would you use it?

How to apologize/take ownership. Learning how to apologize and take accountability are vital skills for leaders and all of us who want authentic relationships. Before we get into how to apologize, let’s look at some don’ts! Do not apologize if: You don't mean it: Most of us are adept at spotting inauthentic apologies. Look at how the internet commenters respond when a celebrity’s PR company posts a bland “apology” that takes no real accountability. You don't need to: Don't apologize to appease others. It’s okay that we don't agree sometimes. Okay, so you've done something you regret, or that had a negative impact on others, and you want to apologize. What are the steps to be truly effective? 1. Start by saying you wish to apologize, and are they open to hearing you? 2. Say you are sorry! Avoid adding things like, “I’m sorry you feel hurt” or “I regret how you feel.” These imply the other person's feelings are the issue, not your actions. 3. Be clear about why and what you are apologizing for, check with them if you have covered it all, ask how they feel, and give them the opportunity to add more if you have missed anything/how you impacted them. Be as specific as you can. 4. Acknowledge how you may have hurt or impacted them and why your actions require an apology. 5. Avoid being defensive or using excuses for your actions. Take full responsibility! 6. Be clear about what steps you have/are taking to make sure this behavior doesn't happen again. 7. Ask or describe what you will do to make amends for the impact of your actions. Remember, however skillfully you apologize and take responsibility, that the receiving party is under no obligation to accept your apology. They get to decide how they want to move forward. In my experience, a heartfelt apology goes a long way to repairing business or personal relationships. Leaders who can take ownership and know when to take accountability are the most trusted and admired by their colleagues, leading to a more motivated and productive team. Plus, taking ownership and moving past avoidance and defensiveness feels good! If you’d like support for you or your team, reach out, and let’s talk—booking link in the comments.