How to Craft a Sincere Apology

Earlier this week, I watched as a group made a dumb mistake, and yesterday they came out with an "apology" that sounded like one that my 12 year old would make. Basically: "I'm sorry I got caught, but really it's kind of your fault anyway, and I'll learn from this how not to get caught next time." Look, you will get stuff wrong, all the time, particularly if you're pushing hard. That's not only ok, it is actually a good thing, if you get good at apologizing the right way. It isn't hard, and the bonus is that it can make you feel a whole lot better about the mistake when you do it right. The basics: * Take responsibility without equivocation ("I screwed up") * Provide a genuine expression of remorse ("I'm really sorry") * Give an accounting of what happened-- or at least what you think happened-- without excuses ("I didn't follow our established processes because I was rushed and thought I could just wing it") * Tell them how you'll avoid a similar mistake going forward ("We've implemented an automated checklist to make sure we don't skip steps going forward") * Tell them how you're going to make it right ("Obviously, we'll discount our invoice for this month to make up for the inconvenience") And then, as in anything in leadership (and, really, life overall) be prepared to listen with open ears and an open mind. Your mistake could easily lead to great learning and growth, IF you do it right.

Your face feels hot and turns red. A stabbing pain appears in your stomach. You made a communication mistake. Your information didn’t land - and may have offended your listener! Your mind is racing trying to figure out how to fix it. What do you do? Slow down, take a breath and plan your “Repair Conversation.” The first step: recognize that we all make mistakes. Growth occurs when we acknowledge our errrors and are willing to learn from them. Next, focus on your overarching goal and the importance of the relationship with your listener. Now it’s time to apologize. Acknowledge the situation and what you did wrong. It’s important to get it right. Here’s what NOT to say: “I’m sorry I didn’t step in when people were interrupting you, but I think that’s part of our lively culture.” Excuses and justifications don’t belong in an apology. Hint: if your apology includes the word, “but” it’s likely not going to repair the relationship! Instead, share an apology with the promise of improved future behavior. Get specific and commit to investing and growing the relationship. Here’s a better example: “I’m sorry I didn’t step in when people were interrupting you. I’ve always valued a debate culture, but I now realize that comes at a cost. In this case, it prevented you from sharing all your ideas. In the future, I will set the tone by asking the room to hold their questions and thoughts until the speaker has finished their presentation. I value our relationship and am open to other thoughts you have about how to make our meetings valuable for everyone.” #communicationscoach #corporatelife

I’m sorry… and also here’s my entire emotional landscape, a breakdown of my intent, and three metaphors I didn’t need to include. Ever find yourself doing that? It usually starts with anxiety. A moment of tension or misunderstanding. And before I know it, I’m overexplaining. Not to justify. Not to manipulate. But because I don’t want the other person to misread my heart. It’s not performative. It’s a panicked attempt to prevent misinterpretation, because for many of us with ADHD, being misunderstood feels almost physically painful. That’s Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) doing its thing. So here's a structure I've had to practice ahead of time to stop myself from turning every apology into a TED Talk: • Simple apology first. “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” Not “I didn’t mean to…” or “I was just…” • Name the impact. What actually happened, not my motives. • Take ownership. One clean sentence. “I shouldn’t have…” • Action plan. “Next time I’ll…” Something small, realistic, clear. What I’ve learned: ADHD brains can feel our intent so strongly that we forget the other person only sees the outcome. This structure helps shift the focus from how bad I feel… to how I plan to show up better. It keeps the apology from becoming a monologue about MY discomfort. And honestly? That builds more trust than any overexplaining ever could. If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I say all that?”… what helps you keep things simple when you’re in the heat of the moment? -------------------- Building your own ADHD toolkit? I put together everything I wish I'd known early on: "So You Were Diagnosed with ADHD… Now What?" - it's in my (Tyler Mitchell) Featured section. Permission to experiment (and overexplain sometimes) included.

To err is human…but to be a good apologizer is rare. I do not like to make mistakes, but I know I make them.  It’s important to me to own up to my mistakes, especially with people that I care about.  While taking responsibility is significant, it is not the same as apologizing. In my opinion some key aspects of good apologies are: 🔑 explicitly saying you are sorry 🔑 not using the word BUT or making excuses 🔑 showing that you understand why your actions were hurtful/wrong 🔑 explain how you would like to rectify the situation (if possible) 🔑 change behaviors moving forward to avoid the same mistake (Even though I don’t know who said it, I love the quote, “The best apology is changed behavior.”) What is important to you when you are the recipient of an apology?