Changing narratives around female assertiveness

"You’re too much." Until the moment you’re not enough. Twenty years ago, my performance reviews kept praising my work product while also trapping my accomplishments in the same words. Aggressive. Pushy. Difficult. Combative. To be fair, the feedback wasn’t completely wrong. I had sharp edges. I needed to learn how to get my point across without steamrolling people. But the lessons I received weren’t just about softening my delivery. They were about softening every part of me. My tone, my presence, even my instincts. I started cushioning my opinions with “I might be wrong, but…” I smiled before offering a controversial idea. I held back in meetings, even when I knew how to fix things, because saying what needed to be said would’ve done more harm to my reputation than staying quiet. And for a while, it worked. My reviews became much more balanced. I became “collaborative,” “approachable,” and no longer “too much.” Until promotion time came... and the goalposts moved. Suddenly I was told I lacked executive presence. That I needed to be more decisive. More strategic. More persistent. The very traits they spent years coaching out of me were now held up as the reason I wasn’t ready to take on more. In order to get ahead, I had to reverse course. I had to rebuild muscles I’d been taught to suppress, and to reclaim instincts I’d learned to second-guess. And I often wonder how different my career might have been if those traits had been cultivated instead of corrected. Just yesterday, I saw another list of what women need to work on to be considered “ready” for senior roles. More gravitas. More presence. More edge. The same script, but slightly reworded. But here's the thing. That boldness everyone keeps telling us to find? A lot of us already had it. We just learned early on that showing it often cost us more than we could afford. And so until we stop coaching assertiveness out of young women, only to demand it from them later, we’ll keep wondering why so few make it to the top. ▸ Has anyone else seen this same shift in expectations as they've moved into more senior roles?

"Speak up, but watch your tone."  "Be assertive, but smile while doing it."  “Stand your ground, but make sure to be likable." Ladies, sound familiar? 🤨 In honor of #womenshistorymonth, I want to explore this theme. These contradictory expectations create a maddening tightrope that women in business must walk daily. While men are often rewarded for assertive behavior as being "passionate," women exhibiting identical behaviors are labeled "emotional" or worse. 🎾 Remember Serena Williams at the 2018 U.S. Open? When challenging the umpire's call, she was penalized a game - something rarely seen in Grand Slam matches. Meanwhile, tennis "bad boys" McEnroe and Connors reminded us they'd done far worse without comparable consequences. Let's talk about what's really happening: 👉🏻 Gender stereotypes prescribe men to be dominating, while expecting women to be warm and nurturing, even in competitive or leadership roles. When women breach these stereotypes, they face what researchers call an "assertiveness penalty." A 2008 study revealed that "men received a boost in perceived status after expressing anger," while "women were accorded lower status, lower wages, and seen as less competent." So how do women navigate this unfair landscape? 1. Understand your communication style through assessments like DISC or Myers-Briggs 2. Master your triggers - that "amygdala hijack" that can derail conversations 3. Frame your statements - "Because I feel strongly about (patient safety), I'm going to speak very directly" 4. Cultivate allies who can step in to support To all women who have been called "aggressive" when being honest and direct: You probably weren't. The other person might have been intimidated. 💡You deserve to shine your light, even if it casts a big shadow. ⚡Correction: The world needs you to shine your light. Period. What has helped you find your voice in spaces designed to silence it? #womenleaders #genderbias #communicationskills #professionaladvice #doublestandards #serenawilliams

Aggressive. Bossy. Emotional. Pushy. Unapproachable. Intimidating. These negative perceptions of assertiveness are ones I and many women have faced. I'd like to introduce you to STRATEGIC ASSERTIVENESS. Strategic assertiveness means clearly and confidently expressing one's needs and opinions while respecting others' perspectives and creating collaborative, respectful professional relationships. Here is how women leaders can embody strategic assertiveness: 👑 Self-awareness: Understand your emotions, strengths, and areas for growth. Recognize your biases and the challenges that impact your interactions. 👑 Communicate Clearly: Use precise language to articulate your ideas and decisions. Use "I" statements to avoid misunderstandings and defensiveness. Speak with CONFIDENCE. 👑 Listen: Demonstrate genuine interest in team members' inputs and show that all voices are valued. 👑 Practice Emotional Regulation: Engage in constructive, rather than reactive, interactions. Check in with yourself and take breaks to regulate, reflect, and regain composure. Take deep breaths. You get to have emotions. You're not a robot. Take moments to be in the headspace to be impactful and effective. 👑 Timing and Context: Not every moment is a good moment for being assertive; that's why it's strategic assertiveness. Choose optimal moments for assertive communication, be mindful of timing, and provide context. 👑 Be Flexible: Be open to negotiation and compromise where beneficial. Adaptability is a quality trait. Strategic assertiveness includes adapting to different situations and getting feedback from peers and subordinates. , demonstrating adaptive leadership. 👑 Follow-through: Implement decisions with consistency and accountability. Align words with actions, integrity, and reliability. Follow the above, and the next time you're described as aggressive, bossy, emotional, bitchy, pushy, unapproachable, or intimidating, let them know you are strategically assertive. #assertive #strategic #strategicallyassertive #wordsmatter #leadership #womeninleadership

Negotiation is rigged against women. Conditioning, backlash, bias—it's time to dismantle the myths. For decades, women have been told they’re “worse negotiators.” Spoiler alert: that’s a myth. Society conditions women to approach negotiation differently and punishes them for being assertive. But here’s the truth: When equipped with the right strategies, women can and do excel in negotiation. After decades of teaching negotiation, my biggest lesson didn’t come from a textbook. It came from my 5-year-old daughter, Anabel. She once hesitated to ask for something because she feared rejection. That moment hit me: how many women grow up internalizing this same fear? It’s time to change the narrative—for Anabel and for everyone. Here’s the challenge women face: 🚫 Societal norms condition deference. 🚫 Backlash punishes assertiveness. 🚫 Undervaluation leads to lower anchors. 🚫 Emotional scrutiny creates impossible standards. 🚫 Biases demand women "prove" themselves repeatedly. The antidote: ✅ Prepare relentlessly: ↳ Identify interests, priorities, and BATNAs—yours and theirs.  ↳ Knowledge is your power base. ✅ Reframe negotiations: ↳ Don’t see it as conflict; view it as problem-solving.  ↳ Lead with curiosity, asking, “How can we create value together?” ✅ Communicate assertively: ↳ Use “I” statements and stick to the facts.  ↳ Confidence backed by preparation is unbeatable. ✅ Listen actively: ↳ Ask open-ended questions.  ↳ Listening shows strength and fosters collaboration. ✅ Advocate for yourself: ↳ If you champion others well, apply that skill to yourself.  ↳ Treat your needs as non-negotiable. ✅ Leverage empathy: ↳ Understand the other side’s perspective and use it to craft win-win solutions. ✅ Practice constantly: ↳ Role-play scenarios.  ↳ Build the muscle for confidence under pressure. Negotiation isn’t a gendered skill; it’s a learned one. Women haven’t been “worse”—they’ve been navigating a broken system. Equip them, and the results will speak for themselves. What’s your top strategy for negotiating with confidence? Share it below and help rewrite the rules! PS:  Ever been called "too assertive"? Let’s discuss. Drop a 🙋♀️ in the comments. 

For years, I tried desperately to fit in at work. And yet, I was repeatedly branded as too aggressive, too assertive, and just... “too much.” One manager even called me a “bulldozer” — publicly, in front of dozens of people. The unspoken rules were clear. I needed to: ✅ Tone it down ✅ Be more positive ✅ Smile more and say less So, I tried to play by the rules… I held back in meetings. I suppressed my emotions. I smiled and nodded, even when I disagreed. And you know what? I was TERRIBLE at it. I tried and failed, over and over again, to fit the mold. I became a watered down version of myself that I barely recognized, and I still wasn't meeting their expectations and manufactured standards. The whole thing left me anxious, stressed, and depleted. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I was practicing something called self-shielding—the act of suppressing or toning down your true self to conform to others' expectations, often to avoid criticism or rejection. And here’s the kicker: Self-shielding is WAY more common (and destructive) for women. We’re told to be assertive, but not too assertive. Ambitious, but not too ambitious. Strong, but always with a smile. And so, we self-shield. We mute our brilliance, dilute our opinions, and shrink our presence to make others comfortable — often with disastrous results. Here’s the deal, friends...   No matter how much I edited myself, it was never enough, because I was chasing an impossible goal. I was trying to find a version of me that didn’t exist. I was trying to be enough FOR THEM, but I needed to be enough FOR ME. I needed the courage to bring the full force of who I was to the table—mindfully, authentically, and unapologetically. Even if it made others uncomfortable. So to all the women out there who have been told they’re “too much” at work: ✴️ Reclaim Your Narrative: Don’t apologize for being passionate or assertive. Embrace and celebrate what makes you exceptional. ✴️ Redefine Success on Your Terms: Be enough for yourself first. Align with your values, not others’ expectations or standards. ✴️ Find Your People: Build a community that celebrates your greatness and lifts you up, no matter what. You deserve to be surrounded by people who see your “too much” as just right. You got this. I’m cheering for you. 🎉 ***************************** Hi, I'm Sarah 👋 I help leaders and organizations live and work at their best. Follow me for more honest stories and reflections about life, leadership, and the land as I attempt to navigate the swirl. #womenleaders #womenatwork #selfshielding #leadershipcoach #autheticityatwork #changingwork

I’ve got 5 ways you can elevate our organizations out of toxic, outdated gender stereotypes. For years, I navigated professional spaces where women in leadership were subtly, or not so subtly, told to stay in their place. Too often, women who take charge (especially in the workplace) are ridiculed and diminished. It’s a mentality that undercuts the capabilities of female leaders by framing assertiveness as something unnatural for women. Even though we’ve made progress, we continue to allow these stereotypes to dictate our organizations today. How many talented women hold back from leading, contributing, and shaping the future of their companies simply to avoid being labeled as "too bossy" or "too controlling"? These harmful narratives don’t just limit women—they limit the growth of the entire organization. Here’s how we can reshape these outdated narratives: 1. Recognize leadership, not gender, in assessing authority and decision-making abilities. 2. Challenge sexist language and eliminate phrases like "wearing the pants" that reinforce harmful stereotypes. 3. Empower women to lead authentically, ensuring their voices are heard and valued in executive decision-making. 4. Foster a culture of inclusion, where leadership is defined by capability and vision, not by traditional gender roles. 5. Actively support diverse leadership teams, creating environments where different perspectives fuel innovation and growth. Breaking free from these gendered stereotypes isn’t just a moral imperative—it’s a strategic advantage. Diverse leadership teams perform better, innovate more, and foster inclusive company cultures that attract and retain top talent.

Early in my career, I had a leader who praised my confidence and assertiveness -- but then expressed surprise that a woman could possess such qualities. That backhanded compliment highlighted the pervasive stereotypes women face in the workplace (and left me at a rare loss for words). Many harmful stereotypes against women still exist; often rooted in outdated beliefs, they perpetuate the notion that women are less assertive, more emotional, less qualified and less committed to their careers than men. These biases contribute to discrimination in hiring, promotions and compensation, hindering women’s advancement. However, numerous studies (Florida State, Leader's Circle) debunk theses myths and show that women excel at both task-based and relationship-based skills. For my recent "Leading Fearlessly" column, I spoke with local leaders and asked them to comment on leadership behaviors they’ve seen women excel at despite pervasive gender stereotypes. Here is what Rachel Woodhouse, executive director, Young Women’s Resource Center, shared: "I’ve worked with several excellent women leaders who were regarded as such in part because they blended personal and direct leadership styles. This earned them respect from their teams and trust from their peers. In my countless hours with these women, I observed them deploy skills that apparently weren’t typically expected from female leaders. These included direct communication unbuffered by emotive language or “stereotypical” female qualifiers ('This may be dumb, but …'); hard-fought expertise in their respective fields; calm and practiced readiness for confronting hard tasks, like giving critical performance feedback; bargaining for more favorable contract terms with vendors; and — possibly the hardest for professional women — saying 'no.' Alone, these skills may have been interpreted as snide or aggressive, but in sum are undeniable talent. These women still serve as examples to emerging leaders who see their unapologetic aptitude and willingness to do hard things as guideposts to success." You can read the entire Des Moines Business Record column here:https://bit.ly/3OW7QK2. Stay tuned for more advice from Rachel Woodhouse and Rocio Hermosillo and check out what Nafissa Cisse Egbuonye, Ph.D.,MPH shared in yesterday's post. #CEO #womenleaders #culture #challengebias #womeninbusiness #debunkstereotypes

Calling all women professionals. Has there ever been a point in your career where your lack of progress was blamed on a lack of confidence?⁠ ⁠ Research in the Harvard Business Review shows that women are often told to “lean in” or “be more confident”… even when we *are* leaning in and being confident.⁠ ⁠ There’s a harmful narrative pervasive in the workplace that it’s our confidence which holds us back: not the daily microaggressions, doubts or nasty remarks hurled in our direction.⁠ ⁠ Research on likeability bias - also known as the likeability penalty - shows us that when women do act assertively at work e.g.⁠ ⁠ Asking for promotions.⁠ ⁠ Asking for pay rises.⁠ ⁠ Speaking up to challenge e.g. when we’re interrupted or our ideas are stolen.⁠ ⁠ We are not looked upon favourably. In fact, we’re seen as “aggressive”.⁠ ⁠ This is due to outdated gender stereotypes where we’re expected to be caregivers not confident humans who will - like it or not - have to boss you around from time to time.⁠ ⁠ Next time you find yourself wanting to spark up a conversation about someone’s confidence. Zoom out instead… ⁠ ⁠ What could be stopping talented women on your team from showing up as their authentic selves? Confidence looks different on different people. ⁠ ⁠ Vulnerability, for instance, takes a lot of courage. When I am confident, I am brave enough to wear my heart on my sleeve and express the emotions I’m feeling.⁠ ⁠ Would you call that confident?

When I facilitate "I Am Remarkable" workshops, I have to remind women (and other marginalized groups) that it's not bragging if it's based on FACTS. We don't have to feel uncomfortable about self-advocacy. "I" and "we" can co-exist. Acknowledging your accomplishments is not the opposite of humility. With a whopping 25 world championship medals, Simone Biles is the most decorated gymnast in the world, surpassing both men and women. Yet, when women express their confidence and acknowledge their skills, they are often seen as "cocky" or "arrogant." It's time to change this narrative and teach our young girls that it's okay to say "Yes, I am good at this." Our #MentalHealth depends on us freely and confidently existing. And, confidence leads to greatness, both individually and collectively. Let's give people the space to celebrate their achievements without reprimand and inspire the next generation of confident, successful women. #WomenInSports #FemaleEmpowerment #IamRemarkable #MentalHealthMonth #knowyourworth

Listen, being an ambitious woman has never been a walk in the park. History has not been kind to women who stand tall and speak loud—from Joan of Arc to Malala. The message has always been brutal and clear: if you’re a strong woman, you’re a target. And guess what? It hasn’t stopped. Today, if you’re assertive, you’re "bossy" at work, a "helicopter mom" at home, and "emasculating" in your relationships. It starts in childhood—our daughters are taught to mute their successes while our sons are encouraged to broadcast theirs. This isn’t just about how we talk; it's about how we see ourselves in the mirror every single day. So what can we do? Oh, we can do a lot. We can start by flipping the script and challenging every outdated stereotype that tries to define us. In my latest TEDx talk, I dropped a truth bomb: 70% of women wrestle with impostor syndrome. That’s staggering, and it’s got to change. Here’s your new mantra: "Thank you; it’s true." Own your achievements. Embrace your strength. Spread this message like wildfire. We’re not just redefining assertiveness; we’re reclaiming our power. Let’s do this—together. #ThankYouItsTrue #OwnYourAwesome