How to Apply Emotional Intelligence in Mentoring and Coaching

Emotional (artificial) intelligence. Lets talk about it. This is a person who is EQ-adjacent. They know enough about emotional intelligence to speak to it, but they lack the years of practice to move it from knowledge to wisdom. So many people fail to truly move past self-awareness to higher levels of EQ to ever really get to successfully managing relationships. They use the language of EQ but have not internalized and manifested it into their core operating system. The over-confident novice believes they are focused on their team but somehow every coaching engagement - positive or negative - is really about how it reflects on their own leadership or needs. Their language says YOU but their meaning says ME. 🔸“You have grown so much [under my wing].” 🔸 “I see so much potential in you [if you stick to my program].” 🔸 “Great self awareness! [According to my more highly attuned EQ radar than yours].” A hurdle in growing as a leader is acknowledging the ego living in our basement and conflating KNOWING about EQ as making us automatically capable of using it. We think the assignment is suppressing our egos. It is not about suppressing it. The work is in managing it; bringing awareness to it; and gently moving it aside when needed. 🟢 Coach without always needing to qualify it with your own personal experiences. 🟢 Ask questions without a prepared response or lesson. Discover together. 🟢 Acknowledge moments you’ve made it about you, and gently redirect back to the person in front you. Mentoring isn’t about “arriving” at the top of a social hierarchy at work. If you believe in the SERVICE part of servant leadership, then the best mentors are always being mentored themselves. When we try to speed up our journey of self discovery and the slow accumulation of practiced wisdom, it’s like captaining a boat that’s going too fast. Speed often times invites fear, and fear ALWAYS anchors people to self-preservation first. So don’t just get a pulse check on whether you’re feeling fearful. We are good at hiding fear from ourselves. Another way to increase our awareness of whether “self” is creeping too much into our leadership approach is to do a SPEED check. If conversations feel rushed, if you’re borrowing against future trust not yet earned, if you’re citing your own growth more than theirs, if you’re short-cutting to the “lesson”… you’re speeding.

I got to train 75 managers in how to hold Tough Conversations and how to Lead with Emotional Intelligence this week. One of the hardest moments they identified was when a team member shared a situation with a strong emotion like, 💬 "I just applied for a promotion and didn't get it again." or 💬"I've been waiting for 6 months for a development opportunity and am still waiting." or 💬"I'm struggling with personal challenges at home." The initial reaction was to want to say, "How can I help you navigate this?" or "How can I support?" These are great responses motivated to 1) help the person and 2) find a solution. But, people feel relief not because of what you do but because of the connection you make with them. In fact, jumping to a solution without acknowledging how they're feeling can intensify the feelings of being misunderstood or not supported. This is where empathy is so powerful. By taking a moment to make a statement to acknowledge the person's emotion they are feeling in the situation, we can help them feel seen, heard, and connected to. This might sound like, 💬"That's a really frustrating situation. I know how hard it is to go after an opportunity and not get it." or 💬"I know how much work you've put in to be selected for this opportunity. I'm sorry you haven't gotten the result you wanted." or 💬"I'd love to hear more. Are you willing to share with me about your situation?" By identifying with someone's emotion or asking questions to give them space to share how they're feeling, we create connection, build trust, show them support, and can help de-escalate the feelings they are experiencing. Do you have any tips for expressing empathy when a team member shares a hard situation or emotion? #leadershipdevelopment #emotionalintelligence #empathy

Just concluded a review cycle, during which I encountered two recurring questions: -"How can I, as a manager, effectively address emotions during a review with a direct report?" -"Following my review, my manager indicated a need for me to improve my emotional intelligence. Where should I begin?" Here are my recommendations: Ensure that feedback regarding emotional aspects is not introduced for the first time during a formal review. Utilize regular one-on-one sessions to address this area. If improvements are not happening addressing this topic in a formal review is then appropriate. Broaching emotional topics with individuals who may struggle with emotional intelligence can be challenging. I find the metaphor of "The Elephant and the Rider," introduced by Dr. Jonathan Haidt, to be particularly effective in facilitating a conversation. In this metaphor: The Elephant represents the emotional side. The Rider symbolizes the analytical and rational side. When elaborating on this concept, I emphasize strengthening the Rider rather than attempting to subdue the Elephant. Presenting it as a journey of improvement, practice, and exercise, cultivates a feeling of empowerment instead of triggering sentiments of shame or guilt regarding emotions. Make sure to also have clear examples so you can work through them together and demonstrate how a stronger rider can be a benefit in those situations. Ultimately, this approach grants individuals a sense of control and empowerment. To best capture this sentiment, I often invoke the words of Oscar Wilde: "I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them."

My client came to me experiencing physical symptoms of stress whenever she spoke with her manager. She thought she should “just get over it”… And she should feel “grateful” to still have a job. (when so many others were being let go) After we started coaching together, she realized: She’d gone small in the workplace to protect herself. It was an automatic response from her past. And although it had helped her advance her career in some ways… It was making her current situation worse. To really thrive at this stage of her career would require new and uncomfortable ways of being. Together we mapped out her commitments. These came alive in our session: 💥 She would start a shared document with her manager. Top of document -- her scope of work. Next, her top level goals for the year. Next, current quarter's priorities. 💥 She would own her wins against the priorities in each 1:1 and share the traction to future wins 💥 She would proactively ask about and gain mutual understanding about any new foci that her manager had top of mind. And, for new scope, co-calibrate any shifts in foci for the week or two weeks ahead. 🗺 She mapped out a way forward with autonomy… It built mastery in leaning into a hard situation. She got laser-focused about her purpose. She had been hiding her talent, voice and ideas to stay safe all her life. But now it was time to exercise her new mastery - ⬆ In service of her sustainability, her family, her work with her boss and the organization whose mission she cared about. Her new compass 🎯 served her growth and development long term and even if things fail for her with her boss… She is stronger & more resilient. In vertical development she's ready for 2024. Your power and purpose come from facing discomfort. Bring it.