Remember me for the way I lived.

If you’re reading this, it’s because my lungs have taken their final breath, and my soul is on a thoughtful search for its next great adventure. I asked my family to post this message on my behalf.

After a 38-year run of never getting sick – I got a mild cold once every few years and only took “sick” days to enjoy a day off to explore a new hike – my August 2023 cancer diagnosis hit me like a Mack Truck. One day in September 2022, less than six weeks after moving to Utah, I developed foot drop, and over the next 14 months, that ailment evolved into Stage 4 Proximal Type Epithelioid Sarcoma in my lungs — a very rare, very aggressive soft tissue cancer for which there aren’t enough answers, research, or treatment options. 

But, being the pragmatist I am, my attitude from the start was, “it’s what it is,” and instead of wasting any time obsessing about how not to die, I spent my cancer journey focusing on how to live the fullest life as much as I could control. And boy, did I live. As my sister said, I drove an F1 car full speed the entire time from diagnosis to death, seeking laughter, beauty, love, joy, adventure, and awe at every turn, and soaking up every possible moment with the people I love the most.

With that, do I wish I was able to live another several decades? Of course. But, I absolutely loved my life and wouldn’t have changed a thing. It was an amazing run filled with opportunities to push myself to my limits and feel more alive than ever, as well as times that took me to the bottom and made me dig deep into my soul’s legacy of being a warrior spirit to channel an infallible resilience and overcome incredibly hard things. I was at peace leaving the world knowing that I didn’t leave anything on the table and that I made a great impact on others around me.

I had so many people tell me they were inspired by my story, and every one of your messages brought a smile to my face. If one positive thing was going to come from my tragic situation, I hoped it would be that people stopped waiting for permission to truly live and started doing the things that brought them joy instead of constantly focusing on satisfying the expectations of others. 

I want everyone to remember me for the way I lived, not the way I died. And with that in mind, will you do me a favor? Keep asking yourself “why not?” and “why wait?” and pursue all of your dreams with an unapologetic determination. We only have one life to live, and it’s on you to live it to the fullest. So please, try to see every day as a license to LIVE, not just pass the time.  

I was pretty good at doing just that up until the past few weeks before my passing when I learned one of the biggest life lessons – the importance of purpose and how there are two sides to that coin. My days had always been inherently driven by so much purpose that I never really thought about not having one. I was never one to be complacent or float through the days, but when I became confined to a small space in my home, unable to do any of the things I loved - or even do the most mundane things without hands-on support - and with a brain that was on a steady decline from its heyday, it depressed me greatly to wonder what the days even meant anymore. Why was I being subjected to more and more time here if it was just to sit, stare at a wall, have to ask for help standing up or doing literally anything, and wait to do it all over again the next day, just in more discomfort than the last? 

Sitting in those moments is the only time throughout this process when anger crept into my headspace. But soon, I realized that there was purpose in those moments. My final lesson was learning that my purpose isn’t always for me to own, but to give to others so they find purpose in moments I could not and how those moments created true love. Part of the comfort I gained in the final days was learning the ability to give in and finally let others take care of me – something I had resisted my entire life. And once I surrendered and let them, I felt a new kind of love I never knew possible. 

Life is beautiful in the way that it’s a timeless adventure, so this is not the end of our time together. I’ll still be there to help celebrate your wins and give you a little boost when you need it the most, but how we connect and how you feel my presence will be in a different form moving forward. 

To my wonderful husband, Mike, thank you for helping me do it all right until the end. You loved me fiercely, embraced my wildness, and supported my dreams without hesitation. Now, it’s time for you to go live another great act in this life until we meet again in the next. 

To all of my other dear friends and family, I’ll look forward to seeing you in your dreams where we’ll be dancing to 90s hip hop, eating all of the dumplings, popcorn, soft serve ice cream, and sour candy, hiking mountain after mountain, cheers'ing endlessly while exploring cities abroad, and laughing and dancing all day and night.

Love always,

Caroline