LIVING WITH LOSS – UNDERSTANDING GRIEF AND FINDING A WAY FORWARD

Grief.

It’s one of those things you don’t really prepare for, but when it hits, it changes everything. Whether it’s losing someone you love, the end of a relationship, or even the loss of a job or dream—grief shows up in different ways, and it affects us deeply. I’ve come to learn both personally and through the work I do that grief is not something you just "move on" from. You learn to carry it. You learn to live with it. And slowly, you figure out how to keep going.

So let’s talk about it.. What is grief, really?

Grief is the pain and response we feel when we lose something or someone important to us. It’s not just emotional; it’s mental, physical, and spiritual too. Sometimes it looks like crying, other times it’s silence, anger, confusion, or even laughter when you least expect it. And honestly, grief doesn’t always come from death. It can come from losing friendships, losing your sense of self, or even just big life changes.

The Stages Of Grief

Grief often moves in stages, but these are not in order and not experienced the same way by everyone. The 5 Stages of Grief (Kübler-Ross Model):

1. Denial – “This can’t be happening.” The brain’s way of protecting us from emotional overload. Common feelings: shock, disbelief, numbness.

2. Anger – “Why me? Why them?” Can be directed at people, God, doctors, or even the person who died. Anger gives structure to pain and helps process loss.

3. Bargaining – “If only I had…” Making deals in our minds to undo the loss (“If I had taken them to hospital sooner…”) Often comes with guilt.

4. Depression – “This hurts too much.” A deep sadness when the reality of the loss sets in. May look like withdrawal, fatigue, crying, loss of interest in things.

5. Acceptance – “This is my reality now.” Doesn’t mean the pain is gone. It means we begin to adjust, slowly build a life around the loss.

They don’t always come in order, and they don’t always show up for everyone the same way. Some people feel angry first. Others stay in denial for months. It’s okay—there’s no one “correct” way to grieve.

How Grief Shows Up In Our Lives

Grief is not just emotional — it can affect your thinking, body, relationships, and beliefs. Some effects of grief are:

Mentally: Forgetfulness, zoning out, overthinking, lack of focus.

Emotionally: Sadness, guilt, anger, mood swings, numbness.

Physically: Fatigue, tight chest, sleep issues, headaches, changes in appetite.

Socially: Pulling away from friends, feeling misunderstood or isolated.

Spiritually: Questioning God, loss of faith, searching for meaning.

You might feel like you’re going crazy — you forget things, feel tired all the time, or get irritated easily. It’s not madness. It’s grief.

So how do we cope? You don’t move on, you move forward

There’s this idea that eventually you’ll “move on.” But I don’t think you ever really do. Grief doesn’t just leave. You just get stronger at carrying it. You grow around it. It becomes part of your life story—but not the whole story. There’s no one-size-fits-all, but here are a few things that help:

Give yourself permission to feel—there’s no shame in being emotional

Talk to someone—friend, therapist, pastor, whoever you trust

Journal, pray, or find a ritual that brings peace

Keep a bit of routine—it helps ground you

Honour the person or thing you lost in small ways

If you know someone who is grieving; sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer is your quiet presence.

Do’s:

Be there. Even if you don’t know what to say.

Say: “I’m here for you.” “I don’t know what to say, but I’m thinking of you.”

Offer practical help: meals, errands, babysitting, checking in weeks later.

Listen more than you speak.

Don’ts:

Avoid clichés like “They’re in a better place” or “At least they lived a long life.”

Please don’t tell them to “be strong” or “it’s God’s plan.

Don’t rush them to move on.

Sometimes, just sitting quietly with someone and saying ‘I know this hurts’ is more comforting than trying to fix it. And be patient. Grief doesn’t follow a calendar.

When should you seek help?

If you’ve been stuck in deep sadness for a long time, or if you’ve lost your sense of self, it’s okay to ask for support. Therapy, grief groups, or just talking to someone can help lighten the weight.

Final thoughts

Grief changes us, but it doesn’t mean we are broken. Healing is possible — and it’s allowed to be slow. You are not alone. You are allowed to feel everything — or nothing at all. Give yourself grace. You don’t need to rush healing or pretend you’re okay. You carry their love with you. That is not the end — it’s part of how you begin again.

Hopewell Firm Sema Speakapp

Mitchelle Owuor

Counseling Psychologist

Hopewell Firm.

0717296275/0725453900

info@hopewellcounseling.co.ke